Yesterday was my first day since my class ended. Most times, my new class starts the very next day. This time, i have a few days in between and a lot of things to catch up on. i had quite the list going yesterday, boring things like completing my FAFSA paperwork. Things that stack up while i was in what is always a flurry of a last week of class. Each item on my list was time-consuming and necessary.
i had delusions that my body would cooperate as i have been looking forward to having some time for Spring Cleaning.
Yesterday, i managed, somehow to stay focused and get the list done. My body, however, was beyond miserable all day. i must have woken up fifteen times last night in pain.
Today is Sir Raven’s presentation. i suspect she thinks i’m more nervous-or whatever-than i actually am. Once we talked and i got my mind around the idea that it was preferable to her that i speak and that we are just us….i was fine.
Sometimes, i am really truly surprised when something common comes up and reminds me of how much i have internalized other value systems. The ones that tell me to be seen and not heard. The ones that tell me that my opinions are not to be shared, unless they are in perfect alignment with the other person. The ones that say i am supposed to be in the background, silent.
Sir Raven has told me many, many, many times that she would allow me an out (that i don’t have to speak at the presentation). Falling back on that out, however, means that i would not be willing to show that her value system matters to me. i feel that i need to learn to become comfortable with stating my thoughts and that whatever they are is fine as long as i am honestly presenting myself.
i focus more on how i am a living represenative of the other person. Other people i have been around wanted to be seen differently. They wanted to be seen as all-powerful, or in charge of a silly idiot who could not manage without them. Sir Raven wants to be seen as she is and as we are. The protective urge i feel has to be put aside in favor of helping her be seen as human, if that makes sense.
Before, with other people, my job was basically to help them be seen on a pedastle. And with Sir Raven, it is to help deconstruct that idea. We are what we are. CNC, O/p, M/s, silly, nerdy, playful, relaxed. Very serious about our dynamic but not too serious about how we express it. We are still each other’s playmates, confidants, cheerleaders. Through it all runs a clear line, one that we mutually do not cross….it is born of respect for a job that is damn hard. She would no more seek to humilate, shame, or hurt me than i would seek to be ugly to her. Even though we play like children together sometimes, laughing a lot, there is still clarity about who will do what. There is still clarity about who is in control.
You know, i think i finally managed to convey to her just how silenced i was before…over the course of my entire life. And how big of a deal it is, to me, that i participate in MasT meetings. i had thought, before, that i was just shy…which is true. i am shy, an introvert, and a private person by nature. It’s not that though. Because speaking feels comfortable once she has made it clear to me that it is her expectation.
Anyhow, i decided that i’m going to work through it and focus on giving her a good experience. Last night, Sir Raven noted that she was perhaps projecting that other Tops may want to hear from the bottoms side, just because she does. She finds it boring to not hear much about the experience of the bottom and that they just stand silently or give minimal information. i have no idea if this is a common thought for Dominants or not. i know from the other side, it can be frustrating to not hear much of anything at demos which speak to our experiences. In particular, not hearing or getting a feeling for the relationship itself was always something i wished was different.
What is funny is that i had such a horrific night and woke up in so much pain that i felt i might get sick this morning. i started my day taking half of a pain pill. There was no other option. There are also no nerves because all i can focus on, right now, is that i am certain to be caned tonight. This is different in and of itself because we don’t plan for caning at home. It isn’t a sure thing, you know? This is.
And thank God. i am holding on to the promise of the pain she will give me and how it will eventually mitigate the all-over body hurt. The fever. The thick, all consuming, fibro pain. i wouldn’t give a damn if the Pope was going to be in the audience right now.
i try to focus on the positive things fibro brings to us, which is funny given that what i’m talking about several days a month is excrutiating pain. One of the gifts of fibromyalgia is that, simply, i am aware that i need her.
My inner child is positively convinced that having my Master around can make everything better, even when i’m rocking myself and lost in my own private hell.
i keep hoping that jury duty lets out really early and she will come home. i am just wanting her near me.
My mind, obviously, is not going to focus to make much sense right now. Maybe not today, i don’t know. I feel like i’m not making any sense and my thoughts are disjointed so i’m going to end here.