It’s been an insanely busy week. i had the doctor on Monday, so i rushed through the morning chores, getting the evening meal prepared, before i head out to Park Avenue. i remembered to collect the FMLA paperwork, so i can start getting my shots again. Technically, its a surgical procedure, and they can’t let me leave alone so Sir Raven will have to come with me for shot days. The smell of rubbing alcohol fills the air, reminding me of the pain of the big needles that dig in deep.
i hold on to every thing i can, every possibility of hope, every way i can be better. Faster. More.
Tuesday, Sir Raven let me out of the house, and i met up with Karida for a lovely tea and scones at Alices Tea house. We both remembered to wear our fairy dust necklaces, shopped in the barrette store, and gabbed over lunch. She had to go take care of her mom for a bit, and i wanted to hold onto her in a sisterly way, wishing i could ease the journey. i remind her to hug her mom for me, which cupcakes were her favorites in the little shop by her mom’s house, and try to give her money for all of the treats she took care of on our trip but she said no. She said to hold onto it.
The next day, i had the farmer’s market run and errands and homework. i may have also done a laundry trip. i got my nails done, because Sir Raven reminded me its a rule, and my gel polish had started coming off. This time, i got a awesome new thing-mood gel. It was exciting to have a choice besides black, even though i like black, and-more importantly Sir Raven loves black on me. i’m way impressed with the color changing Sapphire.
i don’t know what the hell i did Thursday, other than buy wine and cigars for Sir Raven, and get some other errands run. i had trouble turning in some assignments, somehow they showed up blank on the message boards, and so i had to redo things. My professor was really nice and emailed me though, which i really appreciated.
Friday, Sir Raven and i did a big trip to BJ’s because she had the day off and my check was in so the timing was great. We got it all done in record time. The freezer is full of different kinds of repackaged meats, where i portioned everything out for us. Just getting everything put up took me over an hour. i managed to get more laundry done after that.
Saturday was another pharmacy trip. i was so excited to find some special treats for Sir Raven at TJ Max. i have her Christmas started, because i’m a good shopper. We have had some small household needs, like a new quilt for the bed. i was allowed to get an amazon fire, the older one, and LOVE it. Its made all of the reading so much easier. Best fifty bucks spent ever.
Today, i had last minute assignments to do, a test to take, some chapters to review. It just never ends. i’m constantly working, busy, trying to get things done for school and home. i haven’t found enough spare time to sit and write here. i had something unnerving happen on the crowded train. i saw a woman who looked exactly like a shrink i met when i was 13. i remember her name, the beauty mark on her face was there, i was so convinced it was her that i nearly asked, “Are you Lynn R…?” But then i thought, “What the hell am i going to do if she admits it?” All i could imagine was screaming, “How could you? You made the abuse so much worse. You told her i was hiding under a table in terror because i was blindsided that she was coming at all. You did it when you saw the black eye, the scars, the burns. How in the fuck could you? You sat around and had lunch with her like you were friends and then told me i could still trust you.” The rational part of me remembers the doctor, who calmly and quietly told me he knew what was going on, that it was obvious, that my mother couldn’t charm everyone. Then he said i only had a few years left to cope, and that with my family history i could be placed in foster homes known to be bad. It was true. Children of inmates get treated to “high risk” foster homes, and there was a large Baptist village nearby.
i remember sitting with the shrink, noting her Jewish Star, asking about her faith. Years later, i read The Prince of Tides and paid attention when the psychiatrist noted her client transfixed at understanding survival, or trying to. It was so painfully obvious what i was trying to survive-what i am still trying to survive, some days.
The train rocked, and i was inches from someone else who should have saved me but didn’t. Of course sociopaths get away with everything they do. Someone will always be there to look the other way, pretend its not obvious, ignore what is right in front of them, and suggest they just hold on.
i’m tired of holding on, but letting go is never an option. So i hold on.
i hold on to people i love, gifts that try and say what i can’t, whatever dignity i can muster, whatever faith i have left. That is what i quietly say to myself, over and over-just hold on.