Holding on

It’s been an insanely busy week.  i had the doctor on Monday, so i rushed through the morning chores, getting the evening meal prepared, before i head out to Park Avenue.  i remembered to collect the FMLA paperwork, so i can start getting my shots again.  Technically, its a surgical procedure, and they can’t let me leave alone so Sir Raven will have to come with me for shot days.  The smell of rubbing alcohol fills the air, reminding me of the pain of the big needles that dig in deep.

i hold on to every thing i can, every possibility of hope, every way i can be better. Faster. More.

Tuesday, Sir Raven let me out of the house, and i met up with Karida for a lovely tea and scones at Alices Tea house.  We both remembered to wear our fairy dust necklaces, shopped in the barrette store, and gabbed over lunch.  She had to go take care of her mom for a bit, and i wanted to hold onto her in a sisterly way, wishing i could ease the journey.  i remind her to hug her mom for me, which cupcakes were her favorites in the little shop by her mom’s house, and try to give her money for all of the treats she took care of on our trip but she said no.  She said to hold onto it.

The next day, i had the farmer’s market run and errands and homework.  i may have also done a laundry trip.  i got my nails done, because Sir Raven reminded me its a rule, and my gel polish had started coming off.  This time, i got a awesome new thing-mood gel.  It was exciting to have a choice besides black, even though i like black, and-more importantly Sir Raven loves black on me.  i’m way impressed with the color changing Sapphire.

i don’t know what the hell i did Thursday, other than buy wine and cigars for Sir Raven, and get some other errands run.  i had trouble turning in some assignments, somehow they showed up blank on the message boards, and so i had to redo things.  My professor was really nice and emailed me though, which i really appreciated.

Friday, Sir Raven and i did a big trip to BJ’s because she had the day off and my check was in so the timing was great.  We got it all done in record time.  The freezer is full of different kinds of repackaged meats, where i portioned everything out for us.  Just getting everything put up took me over an hour.  i managed to get more laundry done after that.

Saturday was another pharmacy trip.  i was so excited to find some special treats for Sir Raven at TJ Max.  i have her Christmas started, because i’m a good shopper.  We have had some small household needs, like a new quilt for the bed.  i was allowed to get an amazon fire, the older one, and LOVE it.  Its made all of the reading so much easier.  Best fifty bucks spent ever.

Today, i had last minute assignments to do, a test to take, some chapters to review.  It just never ends.  i’m constantly working, busy, trying to get things done for school and home.  i haven’t found enough spare time to sit and write here.  i had something unnerving happen on the crowded train.  i saw a woman who looked exactly like a shrink i met when i was 13.  i remember her name, the beauty mark on her face was there, i was so convinced it was her that i nearly asked, “Are you Lynn R…?”  But then i thought, “What the hell am i going to do if she admits it?”  All i could imagine was screaming, “How could you?  You made the abuse so much worse.  You told her i was hiding under a table in terror because i was blindsided that she was coming at all.  You did it when you saw the black eye, the scars, the burns.  How in the fuck could you?  You sat around and had lunch with her like you were friends and then told me i could still trust you.”  The rational part of me remembers the doctor, who calmly and quietly told me he knew what was going on, that it was obvious, that my mother couldn’t charm everyone.  Then he said i only had a few years left to cope, and that with my family history i could be placed in foster homes known to be bad.  It was true.  Children of inmates get treated to “high risk” foster homes, and there was a large Baptist village nearby.

i remember sitting with the shrink, noting her Jewish Star, asking about her faith.  Years later, i read The Prince of Tides and paid attention when the psychiatrist noted her client transfixed at understanding survival, or trying to.  It was so painfully obvious what i was trying to survive-what i am still trying to survive, some days.

The train rocked, and i was inches from someone else who should have saved me but didn’t.  Of course sociopaths get away with everything they do.  Someone will always be there to look the other way, pretend its not obvious, ignore what is right in front of them, and suggest they just hold on.

i’m tired of holding on, but letting go is never an option.  So i hold on.

i hold on to people i love, gifts that try and say what i can’t, whatever dignity i can muster, whatever faith i have left.  That is what i quietly say to myself, over and over-just hold on.

Value

In my meditations, i remembered something important.  When i felt very uncomfortable charging for giving psychic readings, the producer reminded me that people value what they pay for and put work into.  If i gave away my readings for free, it would inherently carry less meaning for the receiver, because of how we link together what is valuable with what we have put time, effort, money, work into.

In Yoruban tradition, kitchen help that works hard is given a little envelope with money, as a way of showing that the Priests valued the help given.  It allows you to have extra to put toward your own practice.  i used mine to buy more white candles for Sir Raven’s Altar, but anything that meets the needs of the Priest is just fine.

i would have been happy to give readings and work an Ocha kitchen for free, and felt funny about attaching anything to my service.  Likewise, i am happy to serve Sir Raven and not have expectations in return.

However, my part in not getting OUR needs met as a couple is in not making my efforts valuable and not expecting anything in return.  i taught Sir Raven to enjoy the same service, the same warmth, the same work-no matter what she didn’t do.   She benefitted in the short term, of course, but in the long run it did both of us a huge disservice.  Sir Raven may dislike the idea of touch, sex, s/m, or asking how i am actually doing on occasion-but she responds to these things.  She behaves in ways that are freer, happier, and her body releases oxytocin just like any other human when she gets physical attention.

So, just like my work in Yoruba and my work in Spirituality, i must value myself enough to insist that i am cared for in return.

This weekend was really great.  i had to drop off my poor macbook with a virus that kept frustrating me to death at geek squad on maybe Thursday.  Sir Raven had come home early, and i suggested she spend a few hours chilling and then we could go out to eat and get my laptop fixed.  She started not feeling well, so we just came home.  i’ve been taking care of her for days-making sure she ate, drank lots of orange juice and emergen-c, took cold meds, had clean sheets on her bed, and she let me rub vics all on her back at night.  She is feeling much better, which is great.

We did talk, shortly.  She agreed that the main issue is that when it comes to me she is lazy and selfish and acknowledged that i’m out of patiently waiting for change because i’ve been doing that for years.  She said she made a list for herself-of things she needs to work on.  She didn’t share the list with me, but did acknowledge that she needed to be responsible for us, too.  We also both agreed that the only way it could actually work for me to get out needs met outside the relationship wouldn’t fix our underlying issues, and could create other problems for her because she would loose a lot of control.  Control is her drug of choice, so i guess she will be making changes, and i will be supporting her in them.

We went together to pick up my laptop late yesterday afternoon, finally.  It was a real pain for both of us that i had to try and work on her laptop instead, which was cumbersome.  i came home and made chili with black beans and corn, and Sir Raven surprised me with asking if i wanted to play.  After the stress of the week, it was a huge relief.  She started with her strap, which i noticed calmed me almost immediately and allowed me to take quite a bit of her canes and other sharper pain, which is pretty important since we have not played in months.  We both really enjoyed it, i felt her sigh while using the strap on me, like her body finally relaxed after holding her breath for a long time.  i think my hunch was right on all accounts to ask for that awhile back.  We both needed the strap to connect us together in a way that  the rest of the toys just can’t do.

Today, i can still feel her efforts, so it should be an interesting ride into Manhattan.  i’m super thankful for her efforts today, because its humid and raining and i’m feeling a million times better than i generally do during this kind of weather.  i’m also just plain feeling loved, taken care of, and relaxed.  Thank you, Master.❤

Disappoint

Sir Raven and i talked a few days ago, and it’s still on my mind.

i asked her if she felt anything about how her actions make me feel.  She said she feels disappointed when she lets me down.

Surprised, i asked her to elaborate.  “Well, you know what it feels like to disappoint someone,” she began.

i had to pause and think for awhile.  Of course, i have disappointed people, but it was largely because i was unable to provide what they needed or wanted.  In other words, i was too sick to carry out what was wanted that day and made it up the next day in full.  Or i simply literally didn’t have the money to do what i wanted for someone at the moment and had to do it later.

i tried to think of any occasion in life where i just decided, for no actual reason, to disappoint someone i cared for and never fixed it.

i couldn’t think of anything.  Even when i momentarily have a feeling of, “ugh, i just don’t feel like doing this thing,” i almost immediately decide i’m doing it anyhow.  Even if they don’t deserve it, can’t repay me, won’t be adversely affected by not doing it.

If i have a bad day, i redouble my efforts the next-i always have.

i’ve given away several thousand dollars in my life simply because someone needed it.  i give when it can’t be returned, i give of my time, money, effort, work.

The only person i am willing to knowingly disappoint is myself at times.

i was absolutely unable to relate to what Sir Raven was saying at all.  i just don’t know what it would feel like to have the time, money, health, opportunity to do something to please a person i care for and choose to not do it.  i don’t know what it would feel like to disappoint someone on purpose.

At first, she tried to tell me that i do, because there are days i’m too sick to get all of my chores done and that disappoints her.  But i feel like that is a different thing all together because i don’t have full control over it and i fix it the moment i can.  i’m always thinking about how to do little things for other people.  It is a huge joy in life to me to know how someone likes something and to have little treats for them.  Even when i don’t have the resources at the moment, i’m planning for when i do.

The other thing i am thinking about is The Talk we are supposed to have this weekend.  i’ve been thinking a lot about if/how it could work to have another relationship that is emotional, sexual, and includes s/m for me.  Sir Raven said she might be inclined to compromise that way, rather than do the work herself.  i’m trying to wrap my mind around it, trying to get my thoughts together so i can talk about it with her.

The only way i can think about it working is for her to have no control whatsoever over the other relationship and to basically have a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell agreement in place.  To think of it sort of like joint custody-where each person would have their own rules and needs being met by me.

i don’t know who in the world would want that kind of thing anyhow.  People sexually attracted to me are Alpha type people, protective types, who are not naturally inclined toward sharing.  Plus, i can have s/m without sex but not the other way around.  So if i’m having sex with a person, s/m has to be some part of that or there is no real point for me.

Last night, we had a particularly nice visit for a friends Spiritual Birthday.  i brought a cold bottle of wine and the papers i had saved from MSC, handouts and guides to get a feel for the event, because he is interested but hasn’t gone yet.  i got to spend hours going from holding the 3 year old, 4 year old, and two month old baby.  They were a very affectionate bunch.  The boy greeted me with, “Hello!” and jumped up into my lap and arms for a snuggle.  Much later, he told me i couldn’t say “ABC” and went from man to man in the room, letting them all know they could say “ABC.” i felt like i was kicked out of the boy fort, but he was back to share his bread and get snuggles after i fed the baby.  Heh.  It was a really lovely night.  We got home around 11 and Sir Raven went straight to bed.  Fortunately, i had her lunch packed and coffee set up before we left.   i sat up and ate cake and chilled for awhile before i joined her in bed.

Yesterday was fairly tough during the day until i took a long nap and a muscle relaxer.  i had to cancel my pain management doctor for the first time so i have to do that Monday instead.  i can’t wait for Tuesday, where i’m meeting Karida for tea and scones!  i really need some girl time.

This afternoon, i’m meeting Sir Raven at Best Buy because my computer is full of virus and popups and misery for me.  Horrah for geek squad.  i’m so sick of trying to work with constant popups and crap going on.  Cross your fingers for me that it works.🙂

Tell me

It’s been a rough few days, physically mostly.  One of the things fibromyalgia does is treat stress like its an invitation to have a massive party.  i’ve been running a fever for about two weeks, so i knew the big flare was coming.  It did not disappoint.

So, basically, i feel like i have the flu and have spasmed so hard that i couldn’t get up off my playpen to pee.  i nearly peed the playpen.  My bones ache, my teeth hurt, i feel like shit.  All of that pales, though, for how my heart feels.

When Sir Raven came home and had wine, she seemed to notice the shift inside me almost immediately.  She told me to bring my floor pillow over by her, felt my head, noted the fever.  i don’t tell her no, so it didn’t occur to me.  i passively sat there and let her touch me and tried to talk.

In short, she said her husband was a better slave than i am for her.  i calmly made it plain that she gave him security with marriage, and she showed him a great deal of respect because he was her husband.  She agreed.  i told her that she had no idea what kind of slave he would have been for her, if she had never given him the security and respect he needed to flourish.  She quit agreeing.  Of course.

We went to a class at MSC with a Master and slave couple who had been together for decades, and the Master remarked that he did not care for marriage as a concept, had never cared to be married, but understood this was the level of security his slave needed and it was his job to provide for that need.

The year after that, Sir Raven told me we would get married one day, and i waited nearly two years before she casually remarked one day that she had simply changed her mind because she could leave me a small bit of money in the event of her death without getting married.  i was stunned that she never came back to me when she changed her mind, letting me patiently wait, figuring she would properly ask me when the time was right for her.

i don’t think i ever got passed that kind of lie, that total disregard.

i think the worst part, for me, is that i actively don’t trust my biological family for compelling and obvious reasons.  It is impossible for me to accept that a person views it as their job to protect me, except for when i could be dying or in an emergency and then have to deal with my mother showing up to create a layer of hell previously unknown.

Sir Raven says, simply, that she “doesn’t want to, never wanted to.” No other thought, no other information.  To me, that is a good reason to never see a movie.  Just-not interested in that.  It isn’t a good reason to make a major life decision for two people.

The problem isn’t just the marriage itself, or not, but its representative of all of the ways she has created a major problem and never cleaned it up, never fixed it.

Some of them are small things, like the way she has talked about taking me bra and panty shopping and never has.   Or her promises of things like jewelry, leather corset,  really i could make a very long list of things she has said she was buying me-for years-and it didn’t happen.

Some of them are more important, like not making sure that i have the technology i need to function.  i waited years for my cell phone.  i finally had to go against her and buy my own macbook on a credit card i took out myself.

Some of them are huge-the marriage/handfasting lie, the money lies, the problems she created for me that are major and continue to be my burden to bear alone.

i’ve stood by her.

i shared with her that a part of the reason why is that i do believe in forever, in the sense that i believe love is a choice and a verb, and that each day you are putting in work for the future of your relationship.  i believe in forever in the sense that i believe in commitment and i believe in souls finding each other repeatedly throughout lives.

i told her she needs to move into being closer in alignment in my ideas on forever because it is easy to be hedonistic and selfish if you are living in the moment of what feels good right now rather than thinking about each choice being a block you use to build your future.

i very clearly pointed out that her option is to change, or to have me as a servant only-without any access to me emotionally, physically, or financially.  i feel fully justified in presenting these choices.

She has made small efforts to actually touch me, which is a starting point.  She did actually listen to what i had to say.  If she makes real and sustained changes, starts treating me well, gives me what i need, i’d be very surprised.  She has very little time to get it together before i decide for both of us.

i can’t silently wait anymore.  i can’t pretend that she has done the work.

i can’t

and

i won’t.

 

 

A Golden Rule

In my house, growing up, the Golden Rule wasn’t “do unto others how you want them to do unto you,” but “Don’t dish out what you can’t take.”

Anyone who did dish out what they couldn’t take was put in their place quickly, as it was a person unworthy of respect.

The only person exempt, of course, was my mother-to some extent.  My brother grew to give it right back, matching her verbal blow for verbal blow, treating her to her own behaviors.

i can remember being very young and angry with my mother, thinking that i wanted to be able to hit her back, ignore her, not care how she felt, bash her door in, threaten to “knock her teeth down her throat” the way she did to me.  It went against my base nature, and i quickly associated shame with those feelings of rage.

i know that i am in a bad place emotionally because i often fantasize about treating Sir Raven the way she treats me.  i want to snap at her, “Stop touching me! Enough!” or tell her she is boring when she isn’t, or tell her coldly that she is a Supervisor and this is her job like she says to me when i have a legit issue in Grad school.  i want her to never know what she is coming home to, how it feels to be openly ignored, how i could put everyone ahead of her, flatter and flirt with anyone but her.

i think, within a week, she would have a nervous breakdown.

i also think that she would hurt me.

Also, i’d hate myself for being so cold and pathological to make my points.  i wonder what will happen when i fall out of love one day.  i wonder what will happen when my heart stays shut down and can’t reopen for her.

This numbness is almost a relief.  i spent a lot of years focused only on what i could accomplish and feeling nothing else but pride in that.  i could do that again.  i’m more than half way there.

She has pushed and pushed and pushed for this.  Pushed me away, acted like a nicer person in front of people than how she is when we are alone, remarks openly about the attractiveness of other girls-adding me in as an afterthought or not at all.

Last night, she did bother to touch me in bed, just loved on my arm a bit.  That is something.  One day, she will wake up, and it will be too little/too late.

By her own admission, i am the best slave she has ever had.  Yet, she made huge choices and changes for other relationships.  Marriage. Tantric Sex. Therapy. Shopping trips to woo.  Dates.

She is going to her Leather Brothers meeting tomorrow and i want to tell her she doesn’t have time for that.  Nor blog reading.  Nor youtube videos.  Nor her screen play.  Nothing, really, because she hasn’t honored her commitments to us.  Of course, i’m the person who reminded her of her screen play, brought out her laptop for her, provided silence for her to work on something that matters to her.  i’m the person who thanks her daily for something, takes care of everything so she has hours and hours of free time daily, doesn’t make demands, saves and sends money to help out, removed all stress and pressure that i can from her life.

My heart is closed.  For it to open, she will have to consistently prove herself to me, and take full responsibility for the damage done as well as full responsibility for making amends.  i’m done having all of the responsibility.  i’m just done.

 

Breaks

i’m taking a much needed break.  i finally took migraine meds, which are helping.  i took a nap, which i clearly needed.  i’ve had a decently productive day, though some things are on hold a bit, while i wait for doctors to call in my meds to i can get them and take my poor macbook into geeksquad for help.

It’s Sir Raven’s late day, and her first day back at work since her vacation started.  i feel bad that she had to go back on a late day.  However, i didn’t know she was going to get two days at home to chill after MSC, and that was good for her.

i had hoped that something i said would have gotten through to her emotionally, and i made the effort to go to bed shortly after she did and while she was still awake.  i can’t very well be hurt or upset that she isn’t bothered to touch me but then limit opportunities to do so.  She didn’t.

i feel that overall, when i get to this place where i am insisting on her changing behaviors, what happens is all of the responsibility is put onto me.  For example, it somehow became my job to cue her to touch me by asking to sit by her, moving my floor pillow over to the floor by her feet, and waiting for her to touch me in any way at all.  When i pointed out with that extra effort on my part, and by the time she gets home sometimes its a big effort to get to the floor by her, she still has ignored me, she instantly replies it isn’t true.

First of all, its true.

Secondly, the onus is still put on me to cue her to do a behavior and accept that i still may be rejected.

i feel like it is when i’d ask my brother to do his one single job-taking out the trash-but then i had to remove the bag, tie it up, remind him, wash out the bin, and put in a new garbage bag.  i would always think, “Why in the hell can’t you just be responsible for doing the entire job, from start to finish?”

When Sir Raven has admitted error and causing me damage, it has still resulted in increased responsibility placed onto me in some way.  Her changing rules and being even more heavy handed, even agreeing that she gets her needs and wants met the overwhelming majority of the time.  The things that are difficult in her life are things i can’t change, like her work stress.

So, again, i’ve gone to her to ask for basics.  i need affection, a little attention, an occasionally thing done just for me, an occasional interest in something going on in my life or my head or my dreams.  Sex. Sm.  The little list are the bare basics, the same ones i’ve asked for ongoing.

That doesn’t make her a shitty person really, any more than it makes me a shitty person for having basic needs.  i just can’t let her dump more rules and responsibility onto me until she makes needed and consistent changes.  The other choice is for her to have me as a servant only, with no access to my emotions, body, mind, money, or time.  She indicated that she didn’t want that.

i know a part of this coming up is the unresolved issues from before, the reparations never made to me or us, and the additional stress of going back to school full time where i have to make nearly perfect grades in both classes.  So its a bigger deal right now that i can’t feel supported too because i have a lot on the line.  There must be more of a balance emotionally.

On that note, i’m going to lay down.  The migraine pill is helping but makes me feel a little strange and sleepy.

 

Authentic, part two

Two things came together and crystalized while we were at MSC.

For starters, all of the excuses were eliminated.  She wasn’t stressed about work, dealing with tough commutes, or lost in her own world of 4 hours a day of youtube videos.

She was very negative to me, in general, other than during the formal dinner and the “interrogation.”

The constantly telling me i was wrong, diminishing me, ordering me around in her micromanagement way, as i tried to do All The Things and keep the apartment looking perfect and having everything ready and doing homework.  Everyone else got to relax and play board games in the evening.  Not only was i unable to play since i can’t see, which feels shitty enough, i wasn’t even considered.  As in, it never seems to register to anyone that while they relax, i’m working.  i’m constantly thinking too, about how to be a better slave or how to respond to a case study for school.

So, anyhow, two things really hit home for me.  In one MSC class, i offered Sir Raven a cold bottle of water, which she accepted and drank.  i had my hand out, palm open, ready to receive the water back so she doesn’t have to hold her bottle of water just like i always do.  She turned to me, with such disgust in her voice, “put your hand down.”  It was delivered in such a nasty way, and it was indicative of many of our interactions, where i’m doing something i always do for her and am clearly looking to communicate adoration and get this disgust and impatience in return.  Or i get a polite “thank you” which is her manners, more than anything for me, per se.  And i never know what i’ll get.

When i walk by her and pause to kiss her, i don’t know if i will get a “finally, geeze” playful reply or a “hurry up” or disgust-filled “Enough!”

Try living like that and having a pleasant demeanor at all times.

And when i occasionally snap back, let her know i’ve had enough of the bullshit for no reason, i’m painted as a bit Bitch.  It’s like no one notices, no one sees, how i’m singled out for an ugly tone and shitty attitude.  i don’t know if anyone really sees it or not.  i know i do, and since i’m the person in the relationship, that is really all anyone needs to know.

So-the clear disgust happened.

And later, i was sitting with Sir Josh, and remarked that when i’m around him, he makes me think of my brother at times.  i love my brother, so its not a bad thing.  Sometimes, it is something he has said that is identical to what my brother has said.  But there is something else, something i suspect is visual in nature, that my brain recognized as something familiar that i can’t actually see.  So, anyhow, i told him that and then i sat there for awhile thinking that i likely made my brother a far more violent sociopath because i have always given him unconditional love.

i made him worse.

And, i think, i might make Sir Raven worse for the same reason.  For five years, i’ve begged for the same small things.  For five years, i bounce back, very fast from anything she says and does that is uncalled for.  i charm, i please, i offer-and then i get into trouble for that, but i’m trying anything to connect with her, to have a dialogue of serving her, to show love and devotion.

Sir Raven and i both agree that the ultimate hatred is truly indifference.  And that is how she treats me often-with great indifference.  There is no questioning about how i am emotionally, i can’t get her to even bother to say she read here or comment, i can’t count on being able to go to her and get a hug.

What i believe is that there is a thin line between love and hate, and i don’t know how many times a person gets to cross it before the relationship dies.  i’ve never felt indifference for her, but i’ve damn sure had times that i wished i could.  i’ve certainly felt enough hatred to have to turn it on myself, pouring on pounds with venom.  i’m not willing to keep doing that.

It’s not the work, not the service, that has ever been the problem.  It’s not being fed in return.  It’s watching the child inside of me die again, and again.  It’s watching the woman inside crawl up in a ball, want to disappear.  And, finally, it’s the rage that is quietly and neatly contained-but its there.  i know this is not right, not okay.  Tossing more rules and more expectations on me is what has happened before.  The root of the issue, disconnection and needing intimacy in all of its forms, never got solved.  i let that happen.  i let that happen to me.

i don’t know if i have the strength to do anything more right now.  i’m still packing the lunch, making the meals, cleaning all the things, speaking softly, working, more working, more papers, more things checked off the list.  i just want to be wanted.  i need to feel loved.  i need to be able to accurately predict my environment.  i need someone to want to reach me and not let me fail.  All of the weight is on me and i’m tired.  i cannot see any way out of the darkness.