It’s not childish. Most of the time.
It is the part of me that is, in true Gemini fashion, perhaps the best and worst of me…at the same time.
i have a child-like enthusiasm for the world, a child-like desire to believe in people, and a child-like faith in who i believe in. Strong and sure and offering the best of me. Wide open.
And then there is my emotional state of affairs, which i think of as a balanced house of cards.
It works. Right until my emotions build up, there is a perfect storm, and the house of cards falls down. It happens suddenly, making me feel like i dropped into the Mad Hatter’s tea, and all of the cards have suddenly become unruly, running amok and larger-than-life.
It’s no longer a neat and logical equation of balance.
It’s a hot mess.
i’m a hot mess.
And it’s too late. i know it’s too late. Even if the words strangle in my throat, even if i am silent, even if my words themselves are correct. The anger is there. Open. Exposed. The strange, wild air that sends the house of cards tumbling everywhere.
Even in my anger, i tend to default to composed. But my inner child? She just doesn’t care about that. People who displease me are spoken about in the vernacular generally reserved for childhood playground. i feel a sense of detached glee. For the moment, anyhow.
It’s funny that i describe this process as me “not playing with a full deck of adult cards anymore” because that is quite an apt description.
It’s funny because i was not like this when i was five. No, really. i was a very strange child. Quiet, sensible, always searching to understand. i don’t think i ever let loose as a little girl. i just never realized this until i was an adult.
There is something strangely comforting about loosing your sensibilities and leaving self-control behind because you do trust the other person to love you anyhow and to stop you. i had no sense of that as a child. Ever.
i can’t seem to loose control as an adult. i do not really let loose and let go unless its in the context of the surrender that comes from a hard, unrelenting, grueling scene.
i’d like to forgive that little girl who showed up and stomped all over my damn world yesterday.
i’d like to.
But i can’t yet.
Today, i’m a bit shaky still. Surprised at my outburst. And surprised isn’t good in my world of carefully constructed cards.
i name the cards:
fear, rage, pain, exhaustion
and i’m holding them, not sure, and keep sending them to the bottom of the deck. Holding them down with the weight of all of the rest of who i am, resting in a neat stack, waiting.