One of my mentors gave me an assignment once. He said for one to want to live this life it would be to their benefit to answer the question, “what is it that they want?.”
It seems an easy enough question, one that has changed for me over time. I’ve heard some masters say “I know what I don’t want.” Which is great, but if you have someone who is willing to give up control of parts of their life and want to move to a total power exchange a master has too also know what it is they do want. Being the one in control is not easy (being the one giving it up isn’t as well). What works for me is knowing what I want my dynamic to look like. I’ve told the girl I like the military style, being a military wife and living on the base of one of America’s armed forces I got to observe how our men and women in uniform live. She thinks this style looks like micro managing (which I hate) I believe several things in this style lends itself and proves to helps the dynamic move smoothly.
Structure is a clear understanding of what is to be expected. In boot camp solders know every morning they are to rise and shine at a certain time, shower, dress and prepare their space for inspection, by their superior before getting their orders for the day.
Solders know there’s a protocol on the base, no matter what they may be doing if someone of higher rank walks into a room, or passes them on the street they are to salute that officer. If asked a question they are to answer it with a voice protocol. This is a basic example of a protocol. As I’m sure every solder knows the protocol of what to do in case of an emergency or any other situation they may find themselves in.
While on the base I witnessed something that few civilians do unless they are attending some kind of ceremony, and also alerted me to the bases alarm clock. At 6am over speakers there was music which was played (it might have been the national anthem). And since I was never outside I never saw what was happening. But at noon when the same music happened I did. While on the shuttle at noon, everyone would stop, yes even the shuttle and we all had to stand and face the flag which was in the middle of the base, the gentleman driving he shuttle informed those who didn’t know this information, and went on to say that if you were walking at this time and in the evening you would have to do the same. It was the ritual on the base, at 6 am, noon and at 6pm. This happened no matter what. I saw this as re-affirming the solder’s commitment to their uniform, and served as a reminder to the spouse’s of those who served.
So, how does this translate into my dynamic?
As the one on top I would provide structure. As stated structure is a clear understanding of what is to be expected from her and myself. If I have a clear understanding of what I want and then communicate this to her she too has a clear understanding of what I want and can provide it
Anyone in service to me is going to know I want coffee in the morning, 1 sugar and half and half, not to light. I don’t want to jump into a full blown conversation with her while drinking my coffee. I want to look at some news and enjoy my coffee and a cigarette before I go off to work. This is going to happen every morning for as long as we are together. This is to happen whether we are in our apartment, on vacation, or in someone else’s space. they will also get the orders for the day, depending on the function they serve, they will either know beforehand or if something comes up and needs to change what is expected.
They are going to know what is expected of them in certain situation, if we are out at a party, around family or with people who live the kind of life we do. I don’t know about anyone else but my first lesson in protocol came from my mother. Her instruction to us when going out was “mind your manners.” Also we knew that when we went out, my baby brother would stand on one side of her, my younger sister the other and I, being the oldest would be unattended while walking. This was a protocol, in other words when this is happening, do this. In case of X situation, do Y.
Because this is not role play for me, and I like her have responsibilities to live it is up to us (or rather me as the one in control) to make sure we do not lose sight of our foundation in our dynamic. This is where ritual can help. Like the solder’s who reaffirm their commitment to the uniform, we to have to be mindful and reaffirm our commitment to the dynamic. Separately we can do this, but more importantly we should do this together. It may be something simple as a mantra that is said to each other. I like kneeling (understand that some may not be able to kneel for long or can’t). While kneeling before me she should say her mantra, and then I too kneel with her and say my mantra. Yep you read right, you don’t have to read that sentence again; I said I would kneel with her. You’re thinking masters don’t kneel, slaves do. Well as a master if you feel that way great for you. My thought is that if I cannot humble myself to my slave what good am I? My slave is in service to me and I as the one in control am in service to our household. My kneeling is showing my commitment to my slave and the continued service to our dynamic. And that is far more important to me.
On this 4th of July I hope you find what’s important to you, and celebrate your independence.