The Breakdown

The Breakdown.

Not the mental kind as much as the mathematical equation of me.

i can be a surprisingly literal, logical thinker and yet  i can be surprisingly impulsive.

The equation, i think, looks something like this:

90 percent of the time, i can be counted on to do exactly what i am told.  i will go above and beyond every chance i get.  i am quiet and hard working.  Dependable.  Needs not a lot of direction.  i’d say this goes up to 95 percent when i am beaten often….because that just reaches me in a way nothing else can.

5 percent looks like this:  i’m sick.  i’m so sick that it is a herculean effort to clean the house and have dinner ready but i do it.  i may not be able to think to get any school work done.  i may not be able to walk well.  i may decide to not mention this and attempt to use the last bit of energy i have to spare anyone from knowing how absolutely horrible it is.  i am nearly silent because i’m in enough pain that i’m walled off.  There is about zero chance i’ve done yoga or pilates, which doesn’t help, but its not realistic.  i regret the situation but i don’t necessarily feel guilty because it would be too close to shame in this mindframe.  And i can’t go there.  The tape that would play says things that need to not be said.

5 percent looks like this:  i’m in full blown inner child impulsive mode.  My emotions are child-like strong.  i can justify what i want to do in a way.  i won’t disobey any direct order- not because i’m such a great slave- but because it wouldn’t occur to me.  If it is implied and not direct….i will use that wiggle room. i’m prone to binge eating, binge smoking.   How about an example?

Last week or so, i had a day where i was for all intents and purposes, a five year old.  We had a day of lounging around and i wandered into the kitchen.  i thought i may have heard Sir Raven call my name, in which case i would have normally stopped what i was doing immediately to see what she required.  Instead, i cheerfully shoved half of a cupcake into my mouth before i rounded the corner, cupcake still in hand.

jade!” Sir Raven says my name in a way that is normally reserved for small, wiggly puppies when you catch them playing with the toliet paper all over the bathroom.  “Did you hear me just tell you to not eat that cupcake?”

My eyebrows shoot up, and i send her a helpless look and ask, looking at the cupcake in my hand, “well, what do you want me to do about that now?”  i do not point out that i had her on silent mode or that i heard my name and ignored her long enough to shuffle food into my mouth.  Because, really, are these things helpful to point out?  No.  Not really.

She asks about yoga and pilates, which she knows damn well i did not do.  She was on the loveseat all day after all, watching me.  She asks why i did not do it and i answered truthfully.  For the first time ever i said that i had not felt like it.  When i skip these things, its generally because i literally cannot do it.  But not this day.  She kind of laughed despite herself and pointed out that she could not believe i had said that.

Seriously, i could not get myself back on track.  i tried to force myself through sheer will to go do it.  Nope.  i got nothing.

Privately, i think that a 90 percent average isn’t really good enough.  i could add in the the first 5 percent, because i’m still giving the best i have to offer.  And even though it might be less, i am working with my whole heart for her.  So, if i’m feeling generous with myself 95%.

Still, to me, not good enough.  That other five percent is like getting a wild card in a game of M/s Uno.  Anything can happen.  i am capable of acting out a bit.  i could be stopped but it would basically require being beaten til i finally get it….one bad behavior at a time.  And i don’t know how fair that is to her.  i don’t know if it is better to ask Sir Raven to live five percent of the time with a bad girl who is charming but willfull.  Or to ask her to beat it out of me.  Because neither thing seems particularly fair to her.

What i resent, personally, is that i am out of control of myself like that.  i sort of revert to the loose concept of, “As it harm none, do what ye will.”  Except, of course, when i’m rational again and not a bad child, i think it does hurt us.  It hurts the dynamic, something i promised to uphold.  It is partially a result of this that i have created quite an issue for myself.

i put off going to the pharmacy.  i had enough extra pain meds because i try to be really careful with them.  i had basically an extra month between not taking it as perscribed.  i did not realize that the rules in this state are different regarding when scripts have to be turned in.  i did realize that i was running low and i had two days that week i could have gone and decided not to.  When i finally did go to the pharmacy, i was thinking that the worst thing that would happen is that i would have to wait til Monday for them to call the doctors.   Sir Raven was not a bit thrilled.  She said i disappointed her and the shame of that has been eating at me from that day to this one, six days later.  Anyhow, the doctors office is actually closed til the 2nd.  Oh, joy.

Sir Raven points out that anything i do that hurts myself hurts her.  And i know this.  My soul knows this.  i have internalized the message at this point, thinking that i have failed miserably, because i have.  Its not just about the medicine.  Or feeling bad physically.  It is that i did not properly internalize something important 100 percent of the time: failing myself is failing her.  Not taking care of myself is failing her.  i did not protect her property, so to speak.

And i did not ask for help.

Maybe i should have.  Maybe i should have said more than, “Hey, Goodliest Master, i know i need to get this done and can’t make myself.”  i did say that.  i stopped short of saying, “Hey, i can’t do this.  And i need you to force me to get it done.  i need to know exactly what will happen if i don’t do it because i’d rather think about that than think about failing you.”  But i don’t.  Because it doesn’t seem fair somehow mostly because it would require extra effort on her part.

There are times she says, “Make sure you get this done or i’m going to beat you.  And i don’t mean the good kind.”

i have asked her about these things, if she ever wonders during her day if i’ll do it.  She tells me whatever she has told me to do never crosses her mind again.  She is that sure i will get it done.

From a long distance, over the phone, she flatly announced she would beat it out of me.  Evidently, i’m far more cute in person.  Or something.

i should point out that we do not believe in “topping from the bottom” as a concept in our relationship.  i can’t make her do anything. And if i wanted to be beaten, i just ask…so its not about that.  She desires transparency and a part of that is the very embarrasing admission on my part that there are occasional times that i am solely motivated by wanting to avoid being beaten in ways i do not like.  We had one conversation where i explained my childhood (as well as other D/s experiences) and why i have a tremendous capacity to tune out and not care about other forms of punishment.  My actions are very impulsive when i cannot seem to direct myself.  That is the issue, to me.  i don’t seem to have the capacity to think through the entire situation, like a child.

Every time i try and think about this, i see things from multiple angles at the same time.  At the end of the day, only one person should be deciding if my 95 percent is good enough.  It’s not perfect.  i won’t ever be perfect.  i’m human so i guess that is understandable.  i think its the fairness factor that bothers me.  She decides what perfect means to her and there are often times i do things to reflect her concept over my own.  i think i’m still idependently thinking about what fair means….forming my own ideas about that….and feeling that less than one hundred percent isn’t good enough.  Not for her.

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