Here, in New York, they have an interesting expression. It’s called “feeling a certain kind of way.” i had to ask what in the world this meant, if it was intended to suggest you are feeling bad without saying so, or if it was asked so the person who felt “a certain kind of way” would talk.
Anyhow, i’m feeling a certain kind of way today.
Part of it is pain induced. The only thing that Sir Raven and i share that i wish we didn’t is that she has sympathy pains when my pain level is bad enough. She pointed out that it feels like back labor. i just smiled, weary with living with this. And then i asked her if she might like to do yoga to make her laugh.
When she calls a close friend, he politely asked her if there was anything she would like to share. i suggested that the next time he asks, she informs him that she knocked me up. She played it stealthy, understated. Of course. It’s not that big of a deal to her, the domestic partnership thing. It was just what she had to do to get me health insurance, because it freaks her out that i’ve not even had basic medical care things done in years.
She points out, correctly, that we didn’t get married. This is true and factual. We live in a state where they actually allow you to get married like everyone else, which is shocking in and of itself to me. What is more shocking to me is SR knows people who have been together decades and were not lined up to get married immediately when it became legal. i’ve spent a lifetime having to hide what i was, compliments of a Morality Clause working for the school system and legit worries about my nephews being taken away from me. i’ve had relatives and friends who were thrown out of homes they shared the second their lover died or was in the hospital. So, for me, i come at the idea from the point of view of logic. If you have the chance after being together for so long to make that person your next-of-kin, you damn well take advantage of it. From a political standpoint, i’d want to be counted.
i want to not be invisable, for once.
The Domestic Partnership was satisfying to me on that level.
Even a Domestic Partnership was something that was available only in some counties in Florida which is insane, considering how few rights it legally affords you.
To her, you are together or not, but a piece of paper doesn’t make it so. You are married spiritually with or without that paper. She is a bit of a romantic on the concept of how one forms a union. To us, a piece of paper isn’t it. Plus, the idea that glbt’s suddenly seem to want to have the picket fence, dogs, and 2.3 kids makes her cringe. i get that. i totally do. A piece of paper does not make us the same as heterosexual people.
That being so, if she could put a baby inside of me by herself, she would have.
i don’t want to have a child, i want to have herchild.
To add insult to it, the IRS still says we are invisable. i wasn’t kidding when i wanted to send them explicit photos with a note that points out we are human beings too. We deserve rights.
i’m pro marriage for all consenting adults.
Yes, even (especially) polygamous families. And why not? Really? They too have sometimes spent decades together with no legal protection. Why is that okay?
We are supposed to be the land of the free, no?
Anyhow, she looks at marriage as some kind of necessary evil, not something that conveys much. i look at it as the legal factor that if i get deathly ill, that sociopath of a mother wouldn’t be my next-of-kin. i am entirely not romantic about it. Actually, i’d be a total kill joy about a wedding. i’d be horrified at the expense for one day. SR has said that she wouldn’t be able to tell me what anything cost and would have handed me a dress and tell me to put it on. She has no intention of spending the next forty years hearing me hysterical that one piece of fabric cost more than my first car.
Have i ever mentioned i have an inner Control Freak? 😛
Yeah, well, i do.
i wonder if we made histroy in that ornate courthouse. We may have. It could have been the first time a white woman addressed a black woman as “Master” in the building. Heh.
The other things that are making me feel “a certain kind of way” is, in no particular order…
1. the frigging mouse. i was happy in the kitchen and spend hours in there daily. i love to cook for her. Now i hate being in there. i’m afraid i won’t see it and accidently will touch it. i’m afriad there is poo that i won’t see and will touch. Etc. etc. etc. i’m grossed out. My sensibilites are violated. i’m worried it will jump out at me.
2. i’m still waking up, touching my arm, and remembering i broke her bracelet. This is so perfectly dreadful that i got upset yesterday, starting crying and then thought about this and couldn’t stop.
3. Still feeling like i have a bad head cold that just won’t leave.
4. Pain. Pain. Pain.
5. The B i made on my paper that was covered in red notes everywhere, starting with the first paragraph. Then i made a B on my test this week. This is unlike me. It screams incompetent even though i have a 3.9 GPA so clearly, its not factual. That somehow doesn’t help.
6. i rely more than i think i do on the structure and routines of our life. i hate the idea of routines but i see that i don’t do as well without it. Her being sick and then this odd week has thrown me off. We have not played seriously since New Years Eve, which i hesititate to say. It’s not a criticism in any way, really. i’ve become Zen about it in the last two months. Still….it does important things for me. Like reduce my pain and frustration levels that are everywhere right now. Ugh.
7. Sigh. She has just come out to inform me that i need to get dressed, the bathroom ceiling is leaking badly. i bring in the mop basin and she informs me that she was just getting to call me into the room for a beating. i could cry. Seriously.
i started writing this yesterday but am finishing it today.
8. i left my phone inside my my coat hanging in the closet and missed her calls Saturday. She wasn’t thrilled. She wallked in the door, noted i was alive, and slapped me. Not hard…though that is not exactly the point. It’s the first time she has walked in upset like that. Go me.
9. i had half of a paper done and erased it. My instructors comments were embedded in my graded paper and when windows came up to ask if i wanted to save it, i said “no”, not realizing i had just erased the new paper. Adding to the frustration is i am really not clear on the assignment to begin with so getting that far was a major hurdle.
10. i keep hearing the voices in my head that scream how incompetent i am. Thank God its a new week.