I’ve written in the past how being the M type in the relationship is difficult. Here This is not to take away from the difficulties of the S type. That process is also written here as well.
We are both introverts and to some we may look like a boring couple and that’s cool. Sometimes when I describe what we may do for an evening of fun to folks there’s always silence. Because for some sitting a reading or making art is not much fun, but it is to us.
We have both in the past had experiences living in a power exchange dynamic, we didn’t have much to hammer out since as I’ve written the heavy lifting was worked out long before. We have a similar spiritual outlook, but the most important thing to me was that she like myself we didn’t expect some fantasy relationship. I put it out there early on that I was not perfect or close to it. I’m clumsy and silly and comfortable with all of me. I don’t have the energy or the time to pretend. I’ll be 50 in February I’m in menopause. That’s right getting my croon card!
I attribute being comfortable with who I am to realizing in my 30s that my shit might be stinking and was sick of it. I did what anyone would do in this position; I smoked some weed and made some phone calls to find a therapist. I didn’t go to therapy to talk about why and for how long I’ve hated my mother. Or about my non-exsistant childhood. I wanted to talk about my marriage and the death of my girl. I wanted to move my marriage to something else and didn’t know what the something else was as of yet and figured she could help me sort it out.
Needless to say 4 years and me discussing and concluding that I still did hate my mother and the steps I took and continue to take concerning her was not going to change. They were written on the tablets of Zion. And that my childhood albeit non-existent was just that, really it’s not like I could go back, so onward. I had realized that I had made some great strides and continued to. After year 6 she asked one of those therapist questions. Not what brings me here, but why I am I still here?
Me: “thought I was here to talk about some shit.”
Her: “you’re not done talking about shit?”
Me: “oh my did you use the word shit? So you are human?”
Her: “I wasn’t aware that using that word made one human. How does that make you feel, when I use that word?”
Me: “ah and we are back the how does that make you feel shit again?”
Her: “it’s my training, but I think you should give some thought to my question.”
Me: “me too, I think we’re done.”
And with that my time in therapy was over. By no means do I want to give the impression that I was skipping through a field of wild flowers. Emotionally I was a wreak for a couple of years, it was rough. I fell upon plenty of rocks, glass and into a lot of shit. I dodged a train, a bus and a yellow cab or two but I learned a lot about myself and was brave enough not to give up when it got really hard. There were times I wanted to punch her in the face. –My training—but it was what I learned about myself that has help me and continues too. I went to therapy for help, real help not to try to bullshit my way into become a saint. I knew going in I wasn’t that. But it’s because of my time there I’m able to be a grown up. Way back then, there were no handbooks for life and not even a pamphlet on living a power exchange relationship the way we do. Now there are books on Amazon and support groups, but when I got married the only thing I had was looking at how my Grandparents lived. And all I knew there was that my Grandmother was the ruler of her domain, my Grandfather did what she said. That’s what I wanted.
Doing the work on myself benefits me in that I was not willing to settle. I was willing to be alone and happy with that. I didn’t have to convince someone about the kind of life I wanted to live. Now finding someone who was the same, that’s different. Because I had lived a power exchange relationship, made it hard for me to settle, it made it hard for me to put up with the shit. Don’t get me wrong, I will support anyone who came across my path; I’m friends with some still, although they were not willing to put in the work I’m still available to talk with them. I understand there are issues that keep people from living the life they want. There was nothing stopping me from living the life I wanted, I was already living it. It was not the fact that I’m black, or a woman, it wasn’t about money or religion. I just need some help or tools as it were on being more of a grown up and order for me to do that I had to look back and answer the question. How did that make me feel? It would have been much easier if I had to talk about what I thought. Thinking is easy, feelings well that’s why I have the girl. 🙂
If i could give one suggestion to those M types, get thee to therapy. Trust me it’s worth it my life is No crystal stair but it’s better then the alternative.