No Crystal Stair

I’ve written in the past how being the M type in the relationship is difficult. Here This is not to take away from the difficulties of the S type. That process is also written here as well.

We are both introverts and to some we may look like a boring couple and that’s cool. Sometimes when I describe what we may do for an evening of fun to folks there’s always silence. Because for some sitting a reading or making art is not much fun, but it is to us.

We have both in the past had experiences living in a power exchange dynamic, we didn’t have much to hammer out since as I’ve written the heavy lifting was worked out long before. We have a similar spiritual outlook, but the most important thing to me was that she like myself we didn’t expect some fantasy relationship. I put it out there early on that I was not perfect or close to it. I’m clumsy and silly and comfortable with all of me. I don’t have the energy or the time to pretend. I’ll be 50 in February I’m in menopause. That’s right getting my croon card!

I attribute being comfortable with who I am to realizing in my 30s that my shit might be stinking and was sick of it. I did what anyone would do in this position; I smoked some weed and made some phone calls to find a therapist. I didn’t go to therapy to talk about why and for how long I’ve hated my mother. Or about my non-exsistant childhood. I wanted to talk about my marriage and the death of my girl. I wanted to move my marriage to something else and didn’t know what the something else was as of yet and figured she could help me sort it out.

Needless to say 4 years and me discussing and concluding that I still did hate my mother and the steps I took and continue to take concerning her was not going to change. They were written on the tablets of Zion. And that my childhood albeit non-existent was just that, really it’s not like I could go back, so onward. I had realized that I had made some great strides and continued to. After year 6 she asked one of those therapist questions. Not what brings me here, but why I am I still here?

Me: “thought I was here to talk about some shit.”

Her: “you’re not done talking about shit?”

Me: “oh my did you use the word shit? So you are human?”

Her: “I wasn’t aware that using that word made one human. How does that make you feel, when I use that word?”

Me: “ah and we are back the how does that make you feel shit again?”

Her: “it’s my training, but I think you should give some thought to my question.”

Me: “me too, I think we’re done.”

And with that my time in therapy was over. By no means do I want to give the impression that I was skipping through a field of wild flowers. Emotionally I was a wreak for a couple of years, it was rough. I fell upon plenty of rocks, glass and into a lot of shit. I dodged a train, a bus and a yellow cab or two but I learned a lot about myself and was brave enough not to give up when it got really hard. There were times I wanted to punch her in the face. –My training—but it was what I learned about myself that has help me and continues too. I went to therapy for help, real help not to try to bullshit my way into become a saint. I knew going in I wasn’t that. But it’s because of my time there I’m able to be a grown up. Way back then, there were no handbooks for life and not even a pamphlet on living a power exchange relationship the way we do. Now there are books on Amazon and support groups, but when I got married the only thing I had was looking at how my Grandparents lived. And all I knew there was that my Grandmother was the ruler of her domain, my Grandfather did what she said. That’s what I wanted.

Doing the work on myself benefits me in that I was not willing to settle. I was willing to be alone and happy with that. I didn’t have to convince someone about the kind of life I wanted to live. Now finding someone who was the same, that’s different. Because I had lived a power exchange relationship, made it hard for me to settle, it made it hard for me to put up with the shit. Don’t get me wrong, I will support anyone who came across my path; I’m friends with some still, although they were not willing to put in the work I’m still available to talk with them. I understand there are issues that keep people from living the life they want. There was nothing stopping me from living the life I wanted, I was already living it. It was not the fact that I’m black, or a woman, it wasn’t about money or religion. I just need some help or tools as it were on being more of a grown up and order for me to do that I had to look back and answer the question. How did that make me feel?  It would have been much easier if I had to talk about what I thought.  Thinking is easy, feelings well that’s why I have the girl.  🙂

If i could give one suggestion to those M types, get thee to therapy. Trust me it’s worth it my life is  No crystal stair  but it’s better then the alternative.

 

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About Raven

To much to state here. I'm intrested in many things. The important thing you need to know is that at the age of 20 I decided to put something to rest. My families luggage. don't get me wrong they gave me a foundation for many things. But I had to build on the foundation and be true to myself. Hope you find your truth.

8 thoughts on “No Crystal Stair

  1. aisha says:

    So, as a therapist myself, I think this statement:

    “But it’s because of my time there I’m able to be a grown up.”

    summarizes what I hope my clients get from me. It is dreadfully hard work – i know from the other side of the couch too – but can be so worth it.

  2. Raven says:

    Aisha
    It’s was in therapy that i first heard the phrase passive aggressive. Recently while teasing the girl she pointed out that my teasing comes off that way. It wasn’t my intention, but if it wasn’t for therapy I wouldn’t have been open to hear her and stop doing it.

    I’m sure you do great work and if you get the feeling you are about to be punched in the face, well you’re making strides LOL

    • aisha says:

      Oh, you’re so right ~ there’s nothing i like better than a client being furious with me. i really know we’re onto something then. And i’ve had clients say that they don’t think i’m satisfied unless i “make them cry.” i don’t actually “make them cry,” right? ~ but, um, there might be an element of truth to that as well. LOL

      • jade says:

        Thank you, Aisha for making me reflect on my future career goals: to make people cry. 😛 (Is all of this education *really* necessary to do that?)

      • jade says:

        i asked SR what was *wrong* with her that it took an astounding six years to make her shrink swear. i can do that inside of three sessions. The more straight-laced they are, the more i enjoy making them use the F word. 🙂 Yep. i also tended to know more about them than they did about me when i was a kid and sometimes required being taken for theraputic “walks” so i could smoke underage. So, basically, i made them laugh til they cried…swear….and commit misdemeanors regularly.

  3. I love the poem. Langston Hughes is one of my two or three all-time favorite poems, and I love that particular one. He’s also the author of one of the shortest poems I know, called The Suicide’s Note: “The cool, calm surface of the river asked me for a kiss.”

  4. jade says:

    Does “Ode to a Goldfish” count? (Oh wet pet.) 🙂 i adore Langston Hughes as well and used to memorize poems in what seems like another life.

  5. Raven says:

    MsConstanceExplains if only my therapy was that short, but then I would not be the person I am today. And I wouldn’t be the person I am today with poetry either,

    Warm regards

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