When there are communication problems, i tend to take full emotional responsibility for them. Part of this is because i’m legally blind and i miss the 80 percent of communication that is non verbal. So it seems reasonable, to me, that i must be 80 percent of the problem most of the time.
Another reason is…well…i signed on for a power exchange relationship. So i figure it is on me to manage how i’m feeling. She has the right to be blunt or coarse or hurtful without having to deal with my feelings. Most of the time, she doesn’t know. i discovered, a few weeks ago, that my face doesn’t communicate being hurt. i was a little bit surprised to learn this. i thought that most people wouldn’t know if something made me feel hurt or angry because i hide those things well. i have a whole process in my head for deciding when it is the correct circumstance and timing to let a person know that i’m feeling these things. But i didn’t know that she would be totally unaware because i don’t have a “oh, that hurt” face.
There are times we are trying to talk and the television seems to be constantly blaring. i don’t like that, the feeling that i am having to speak loud to carry over the television. i assume i’m not making sense and over explain myself because i can’t see her face. The only feedback i’m getting is her being distracted by the television at parts of the talk. So then i’m distracted too and assuming that i am making no sense. Which leads to me explaining more. It becomes a kind of cycle. She gets annoyed, which is understandable. This doesn’t happen all of the time but it frustrates me a great deal. i’m mad at myself that i can’t see her face but that i know she is distracted by something else. The phone was easier because i wasn’t aware of her focus elsewhere. What is interesting is it used to frustrate her when i cleaned while we talked, which was often. She expressed that she could feel i was less focused and liked it better when she had my undivided attention. It seems this goes both ways and i’m not sure how to change this in myself. It seems that i shouldn’t have any expectations for how we communicate.
On the heels of a frustrating conversation, she decided she was ready to take me to bed and cane me. For whatever reason, when i went to move her laptop off of the bed, she told me to leave it there. i am used to being unbound totally but tend to end up moving into the wall. It seems like once i’ve hit the wall and my brain gets that i can’t crawl in, i turn to begging and pleading. i was feeling strange during the heavy caning, almost angry at being trapped on one side of the bed. i couldn’t find my vulnerable side because i felt trapped and hostile. i am not any less trapped where the bed meets the wall but there is something to touching it, feeling the wall, feeling helpless, feeling her force….those things are what triggers the emotional surrender inside….lets me express being vulnerable in a way that makes me feel highly vulnerable.
The more i hate what she is doing, the more i am pleading, the better i feel psychologically later. i understand that most people want to hear that you are enjoying what is happening to you. Sometimes, i do enjoy it. Sometimes, i hate it….every precious second. But i need that. And that is why i do it…because i need it, i need that force. Literally, i need to trying to squish myself into a wall and not have things stop or calm down or change based on me. i need it to have nothing to do with me. i need to be in true pain, true distress, true agony. The peace that comes from grasping that i am fully vulnerble, exposed, out of control entirely…..well….it just cannot be compared to anything else.
The marks on my body, i earned them.
They didn’t come from a joyful expression of S/m. We don’t toy with the idea of pain. It’s not a game. i don’t make her play “mother-may-i?” with me. We are not playing “red light, green light.” My pleading, my anger, my distress, my pain… it is real.
And there is a beauty to that. It is something holy. Sacred.
Maybe its because there are no distractions and i can’t self-monitor. Those are the moments that, actually, whatever i am feeling IS for her to deal with. She is, afterall, making those feelings happen. She decides if i am driven to anger, joy, frustration, bliss, tears. Since there is nothing for me to decide, there is nothing for me to control in myself. i simply can’t in that state.
Do i enjoy a good session where i am more or less catered to? Yes, of course. i have an inner masochist, after all. i find the endorphins don’t release when i am pushed hard and fast but the emotional pay off is intense. Something that play-for-pleasure doesn’t do. It is a different release. Very different.
Last night, when i couldn’t get in touch with feeling vulnerable, it was just strange. i was a mess of emotions. When i realized i had lost my paper, i was so angry i started to cry. Then i thought about her broken bracelet and couldn’t stop. i cleaned up the kitchen, brought her meds and a drink, and went to bed. At that point, it seemed like the only thing to do. She came in and said she hated it when i wasn’t covered up the right way and fixed the blankets, tucking me in. And then she crawled into bed early with me to watch her show on her laptop. i was so glad to have her near me that i fell asleep pretty fast.
Today, i am trying really, really hard to get it together. i went out in the snow (yay! i love snow) to get Sir Raven’s gift for her bday that i’ve been obsessing about for three weeks now. i am cooking pepper steak and spanish rice, which smells good already. i didn’t leave my phone in the closet. i bought groceries. i am not obsessing about the mouse every ten seconds. i am praying he pulled a Templeton and went out with the trash or something. i am writing, so at least i’m trying to figure out in my head how “hitting the wall” (literally) fits in with my other communication issues. i keep turning it around in my head like a puzzle piece, sure it fits together somehow but i’m missing it.
i need to think some more. i have already discarded the notion that i am having the typical girl feelings of entitlement like “hey, pay attention to me.” Its not that.
When things are not working efficiently, i feel like the burden is on me to adjust and fix it. With these two things…i’m not sure how.