Presenting

We did it. 

The night before delivered excrutiating pain of the bad kind and it had a tremendous staying power.  It felt like i had a pinched nerve and shooting pains all day.  i was exhausted as well and feeling bad because i know that when i don’t sleep well, Sir Raven doesn’t either. 

It was difficult just hauling half of the laundry to the laundry mat, which sounds pitifal but it happens to be true.  The pinched nerve stems from a serious car wreck and is mid back so carrying, bending, twisting, stairs and breathing is all bad when it acts up. 

i managed to get the laundry done and put up and made it to the the train station early.  i didn’t forget her canes and rods, thank God.  i ran into a convenience store for a bottle of water and some chocolate kisses incase either of us needed it.  We were a good seven or so blocks in the rain away from the new meeting place and stopped for a slice of pizza. 

We talked for a bit and i was just happy to be near her again after what had been a difficult pain day. 

She is a good teacher, an excellent performer and presenter.  So i was not at all surprised by her apparent ease at any of these things.  What i was surprised by was the teeny tiny size of the room.  i was clausterphobic before the room was half full, before the presentation even started. 

She spoke well and then i opened my mouth and words came out.  My mind didn’t go blank.  i spoke from the heart, which is exactly what Sir Raven said she wanted to have happen.  i can’t even say what i said.  i was so hot and uncomfortable and acutely aware of the lack of windows and too little space.  i could have seriously reached out and touched the front row from the massage table.  i have never even publically played with strangers that close to my body.  But no matter. 

The ha, ha funny thing is i distinctly heard someone from the audience remarking that i was hardly reacting and surprise that she was still caning me. 

There is a reason for that.  An excellent reason.  i had no idea Sir Raven was capable of hitting me so softly.  Well…for her…and for us….it was timid.  Partially because she lacked the room to swing and i think the people being so close was strange for her as well.  In fact, at one point, i sort of swung my head around fast because i was convinced that it wasn’t Sir Raven htiting me at all.  Seriously, she has never used a cane so gently.  That was the only surprise for me.

i would have been less surprised if she had commenced to spitting water all over me and welting me like she does at home.  God Bless her.

i was happy that she is so good at putting people at ease.  i admire that quality in her, that she is so passionate about what we do and teaching, that she will put her discomfort aside.  She brings people into the conversation which is refreshing.  i am always proud to be with her.

In the train station, she stopped and kissed me and told me she was proud.  i would literally have done anything…..anything…..to have her feel proud of me.  All i had to do was be myself, to be us, to speak from the heart. 

i told her that i have never had anyone with me because they wanted me. 

They didn’t have to want me to get my loyalty, dedication, hard work.  She would get everything anyhow even if she saw no beauty in me.  But she does.  And it makes my world a profoundly different place because i am learning to see myself through her eyes.

i have changed in some really significant ways because of this.  i am a person who has believed in people, believed in ideas and ideals, and put all of my strength behind it.  To have someone really wanting all of that because they see me too, believe in me or what i can become too, is sort of a real true miracle.

i had no idea.

So, when she told me i did great and was proud of me, i did what i have been instructed to do.

i received it.  i thanked her and received it. 

All i really cared about was working to make sure she had the kind of experience she wanted. 

It went well because of her honesty and generosity.  It went well because of her practiced ease and our private jokes in the corner. 

i really have no idea how i got so lucky in life.  She is back in court today and sent me the sweetest email on her break.  i just literally adore her. 

Tomorrow, thank God, she has a day off to just relax. 

 

Life goes on…fibromyalgia be damned.

Yesterday was my first day since my class ended. Most times, my new class starts the very next day.  This time, i have a few days in between and a lot of things to catch up on.  i had quite the list going yesterday, boring things like completing my FAFSA paperwork.  Things that stack up while i was in what is always a flurry of a last week of class.  Each item on my list was time-consuming and necessary. 

i had delusions that my body would cooperate as i have been looking forward to having some time for Spring Cleaning.

Yesterday, i managed, somehow to stay focused and get the list done.  My body, however, was beyond miserable all day.  i must have woken up fifteen times last night in pain. 

Today is Sir Raven’s presentation.   i suspect she thinks i’m more nervous-or whatever-than i actually am.  Once we talked and i got my mind around the idea that it was preferable to her that i speak and that we are just us….i was fine. 

Sometimes, i am really truly surprised when something common comes up and reminds me of how much i have internalized other value systems.  The ones that tell me to be seen and not heard.  The ones that tell me that my opinions are not to be shared, unless they are in perfect alignment with the other person.  The ones that say i am supposed to be in the background, silent. 

Sir Raven has told me many, many, many times that she would allow me an out (that i don’t have to speak at the presentation).  Falling back on that out, however, means that i would not be willing to show that her value system matters to me.  i feel that i need to learn to become comfortable with stating my thoughts and that whatever they are is fine as long as i am honestly presenting myself.

i focus more on how i am a living represenative of the other person.  Other people i have been around wanted to be seen differently.  They wanted to be seen as all-powerful, or in charge of a silly idiot who could not manage without them.  Sir Raven wants to be seen as she is and as we are.  The protective urge i feel has to be put aside in favor of helping her be seen as human, if that makes sense. 

Before, with other people, my job was basically to help them be seen on a pedastle.  And with Sir Raven, it is to help deconstruct that idea.  We are what we are.  CNC, O/p, M/s, silly, nerdy, playful, relaxed.  Very serious about our dynamic but not too serious about how we express it.  We are still each other’s playmates, confidants, cheerleaders.  Through it all runs a clear line, one that we mutually do not cross….it is born of respect for a job that is damn hard.  She would no more seek to humilate, shame, or hurt me than i would seek to be ugly to her.  Even though we play like children together sometimes, laughing a lot, there is still clarity about who will do what.  There is still clarity about who is in control.

You know, i think i finally managed to convey to her just how silenced i was before…over the course of my entire life.  And how big of a deal it is, to me, that i participate in MasT meetings.  i had thought, before, that i was just shy…which is true.  i am shy, an introvert, and a private person by nature.  It’s not that though.  Because speaking feels comfortable once she has made it clear to me that it is her expectation. 

Anyhow, i decided that i’m going to work through it and focus on giving her a good experience.  Last night, Sir Raven noted that she was perhaps projecting that other Tops may want to hear from the bottoms side, just because she does.  She finds it boring to not hear much about the experience of the bottom and that they just stand silently or give minimal information.  i have no idea if this is a common thought for Dominants or not.  i know from the other side, it can be frustrating to not hear much of anything at demos which speak to our experiences.  In particular, not hearing or getting a feeling for the relationship itself was always something i wished was different.

What is funny is that i had such a horrific night and woke up in so much pain that i felt i might get sick this morning.  i started my day taking half of a pain pill.  There was no other option.  There are also no nerves because all i can focus on, right now, is that i am certain to be caned tonight.  This is different in and of itself because we don’t plan for caning at home.  It isn’t a sure thing, you know?  This is.

And thank God.  i am holding on to the promise of the pain she will give me and how it will eventually mitigate the all-over body hurt.  The fever.  The thick, all consuming, fibro pain.  i wouldn’t give a damn if the Pope was going to be in the audience right now. 

i try to focus on the positive things fibro brings to us, which is funny given that what i’m talking about several days a month is excrutiating pain.  One of the gifts of fibromyalgia is that, simply, i am aware that i need her. 

My inner child is positively convinced that having my Master around can make everything better, even when i’m rocking myself and lost in my own private hell. 

i keep hoping that jury duty lets out really early and she will come home.  i am just wanting her near me. 

My mind, obviously, is not going to focus to make much sense right now.  Maybe not today, i don’t know.  I feel like i’m not making any sense and my thoughts are disjointed so i’m going to end here. 

 

 

Peer to Peer

I was listening to a pod cast the other day and the topic was what makes a good master. Now this is very subjective since what I think makes a good master and what someone else thinks makes a good master will vary. And that’s cool. But something that was said made me think is it old school to assume that those who call themselves masters are responsible for those they call their slaves?

I think they are, and I also think there is a way at least there was in the past how it was handled.  My slave is a living representation of me, likewise so are their actions. If another master who doesn’t have authority over my slave feels that my slave needs some correction to some transgression they should and would come to me. They come to me because

1. I’m my slaves master and

2. Because they (the master) are my peer, not my slaves peer.

I’ve been sitting on a situation for some time now and like the master who was speaking in the pod cast I fear it’s not going to be pretty and I’m going to  loss someone I think highly about. But as Cat woman said in Batman Returns to Bruce Wayne and I’m paraphrasing I’d love to be with you and live with you and have a respectable life, but I wouldn’t respect my self in the morning. And the bottom line is can I respect someone who knowing will allow their “slave” to disrespect others.

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth which may be why I haven’t made a call, or it may just be that I don’t want to deal with being lied to, or the excuses that come with it.

So what makes a good master? That’s for a different post

Consensual non consent

We finally had some time to cover at least the bullet points of the demo we are doing in a week.  Unfortunately, we did this on nearly no sleep, because a car alarm went off from 10pm until 10 AM.  Anyhow, she did her part and then, said, to our mock audience of assorted stuffed animals something to the effect of,  “jade is going to talk about how consensual non consent is present in our play.”  Then, to me, she says, “okay. Go.”

And my mind went totally blank.

i had been thinking, first of all, that my big hurdle was going to be letting loose and not controlling myself with silence (other than moaning) during the demo part.  I have no experience with speaking at all, in any context really, during S/m other than with SR and in private.  But that is not all…i had not realized she had intended me to speak about our “play” nor without any input from her.

i am not interested in writing a script for myself, but i need to get some ideas clear so i can speak.  Trust me when i say, i am a far better writer than speaker. 

What CNC brings to our “play” is:

1. Its a natural extension of the rest of our lives.

2. It allows me to fully and completely let go.  I never spoke before with play partners because I can’t control what is coming out of my mouth.  She needs that feedback, likes that I loose all self-control.  The rest of our time, I have to have a high degree of self-control so the way we play forces me to let go.

3.  It is entirely out of my hands.

4.  I am sure she will take what she needs from me.

5.  It is not an activity designed for me to have the experience of subspace.  I enjoy those kinds of experiences on a physical level.  But I need to have the experience of genuine suffering because it gives me a chance to demonstrate that I will give her the most vulnerable parts of me.

6.  Enduring the pain is something that always makes me feel that we grow in intimacy.  There is a feeling afterwards that “all is right with the world” because she has taken what she wants from me and the experience. 

7.  It is the physical manifestation of living as O/p.  It is the physical manifestation of consensual non consent.  There is no true ability on my part to make it stop.  My saying “no” or “stop” or “red” doesn’t mean anything.  She will do exactly what she wants to do.  She accepts the responsibility behind having that much power.

8.  It is the major way that she demonstrates force.  Experiencing her force is one of the things i need.

9.  I am always aware of my place in our relationship….this is the physical manifestation of my status. 

10.  It is a spiritual act often, for both of us.

guilt, collectivism, and other thoughts

Guilt in East Asia is viewed as an important interpersonal emotion that promotes filial piety, achievement motivation, and relational closeness.

Gielen, Uwe P.; Stevens, Michael J. (2012-10-02). Toward a Global Psychology: Theory, Research, Intervention, and Pedagogy (Global and Cross-Cultural Psychology Series) (p. 159). Taylor & Francis. Kindle Edition.

Western thinking conveys that guilt is an emotion liked to wrong-doing.  It says, “I did something wrong.”  For this reason, it can become linked closely with shame and we seek to avoid feelings of guilt and shame.

In a collectivist society, where the goal is social harmony, guilt is a normal emotion.  The text I have been reading explains the importance of guilt in maintaining harmony and loyalty.  Children feel that parents, especially mothers, have provided well physically and emotionally, while sacrificing for their children.  The appropriate response to this is to feel guilt, meaning that the sacrifice is so appreciated that the child realizes it cannot ever be fully repaid.  This notion extends to teachers and remains life-long with parents.

It would have never occurred to me to label this feeling guilt.

I wondered, if this thinking is associated with close family units, wouldn’t it carry over to adult relationships?

That comes pretty damn close in some ways to how I think of Sir Raven.  She cares for my needs, physically and emotionally.  Like a parent in a collectivist society, she pushes me, makes demands, sees me as a reflection of herself.  Like a child in a collectivist society, i feel that there is no way i could fully repay her.  My work, my grades, my attention to what matters to her….these are all efforts to express my gratitude for her care. 

From the last few classes, I have become aware that my nuclear family supported the over-arching goals of a collectivist society.  I was singled out to consider the needs of the group first, in order of hierarchy.  The other members were individualistic and pretty vocal about what they wanted.  I was taught to not form individual wants that were not in alignment with the hierarchy.

I value the social harmony among members over my own wants, consistently.  I was not very invested in a larger society in many ways, since I wasn’t able to have friends or date or have an independent life.  I have never fully understood why people need such attention on themselves or feel that their wants are equal to the rest of the group members.  I understand it in my head, it just doesn’t resonate for me.

Sir Raven and i once wrote our own lists of values, including what we felt we should be giving and receiving from each other.  We did not discuss first, we wrote them alone, and then shared them.  She had created hers several years before.  What stood out strongly, to me, was how often we each pointed to a need for maintaining harmony and balance.  We each listed a part of our own job duties as working to create and maintain harmony, balance, and self-discipline.  We each said we felt we needed to rely on each other for these things as well.

Again, thinking on this makes me consider goals related to collectivism.  There is an inter-dependence among group members that we relate to. 

My adopted Auntie says i am a chameleon, changing to fit the circumstance, always making people look good, accepting often whatever seems comfortable to those around me. 

To do that does not imply that i’m a passive person.  i’m demure often, soft-spoken, maternal, and very gentle.  But i’m not passive.

What i do is consider everything, especially emotions, from the view point of everyone else.  Often, i can see multiple angles at the same time.  i give more weight to the needs of others over my own needs or wants.  i do this in just about every situation; it is second nature to me. 

Sometimes, this means that i may have two opposing thoughts or feelings inside of myself at the same times.  Sometimes, i may feel two opposing ways about a person.  That gets tricky.  Really tricky.  Especially if there isn’t enough outside information to tip the balance into one emotion/concept/response or another. 

When Sir called out of the blue, for example, and opened with, “I want to make sure you know that you can always come back home,” I felt two opposing things.  I had two opposing thoughts.  I felt conflicted. 

On one hand, I appreciate it.  As a woman, especially one who has been homeless and deserted by her biological family, I appreciate it.  I imagine she meant the comment in a loving way and regrets how some things were handled in the past. 

On the other hand, I feel like….maybe that isn’t the right thing to call a slave and say.  I depend on Sir Raven only.  I trust that she will keep me.  I also trust that if she decided to not keep me as her slave that she would make some kind of arrangements for me.  As a slave, I don’t think it is a healthy thing to have a kind of back-up plan or back-up offer in my head.  I need to depend on Sir Raven exclusively. 

i voiced neither concept because i could not decide how to do either without sounding ungreatful or defensive.  That social harmony need?  It can be confusing.  Especially if you have strong feelings both directions or strong feelings for the person.

So…no.  It’s not passive to be able to consider multiple perspectives and have the perspectives of others outweigh your own ideas or feelings.  It sounds passive, the social harmony thing, but my experience with it is that it takes work.  The easy thing for other people is to know what they want, think, or feel.  It seems that those are stand alone concepts, absolutes, for other people.  It is not always the easy thing to me to know what I want- everything is filtered through what I perceive to be the desires of everyone else first.  What is the best for everyone else involved is my first consideration.  Then, I figure out what I would like to see happen. 

Even when I know exactly what I want, there is a filter in place.

Even when I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted and needed to be with Sir Raven, my prayer was that whatever was best for her happen.  Even if it wasn’t me. 

Thank God, the universe created a way, and showed that we were the best thing for each other.  We are harmonious the overwhelming majority of the time.  I don’t know if her process is the same as mine.  I’d think not.  But we tend to arrive at a similar destination in thought, word, and deed. 

Worship

It was asked in one of the comments, “what do masters think about when they engage in SM.”

I want to say that I’m not thinking about anything, and I’m not. I’m doing more feeling then thinking. But last night while working the girl over, I realized that the only time I am in my mind is when I’m in between picking up another implement to hit her with. Overall my mind id turned off and I’m more in my body. Last night we where listing to a meditation station on Pandora, and I realized that after a song Deepak Chopra started talking, at first I only heard his voice in the back ground of my mind and continue doing what I was doing, then realized that he was describing what I was feeling. Meditating on abundance and how we can have abundance fill us up in our being. And that is how I feel when we do SM, I feed off of her reaction, it’s like the ocean’s ebb and flow. It’s slow at first and builds and if I’m not careful I might not realize that I’m getting too light headed.

Not light headed in a bad way but in a top space way. I know top space is rarely talked about, but it exist. Hence the ebb and flow. When I start to feel too light headed I have to slow down a bit and breath, and that’s the time I may pick something else. It would do no one any good if i passed out.

The best part is that I can trust her to let myself flow. I’m only able to get to that place because I’m not restricted to having to stop at every sound she makes that might sound to anyone else like she’s in distress. Which she is, but she works passed it. So although I’m not thinking anything, which I have to say is rare that I’m not thinking, it is a release for a time outside of my mind or being in my head. It also turns out that the little bit of time I take to stop and pick up something else is like a meditation until I’m full with abundance.

My thoughts on SM has been that since the girl and I have been together, that it’s more like worshiping at an altar if that make any sense? And yes, she would be the altar.

Namaste

namaste2spiral

Thank God It’s Saturday

Seriously.

i am sick to death of this week.  It’s been long, emotionally messy, exhausting, frustrating, and physically miserable.

Today, i sat down and wrote my short paper, a seven page report, five discussion posts, and took my test.  Yes, that is a weeks work in one single day.  That is what can happen when my brain is not on vacation. 

Why can’t i do that all of the time??? 

i have turned in papers late for this class.  Hell, last week i turned in a test late.  This class has just sucked, being sick for weeks sucked, it has all sucked. 

It has, however, given me a lot to think about especially in regards to ways other cultures handle interdepence, how deliberately instilling a sense of guilt can pay off, and other concepts that have made me pause and think of ttwd.  i don’t have the brain power to dive into those ideas right now but will do so when i can because they demand to be written.  🙂

i need to get dressed and get the laundry done, get some groceries, and hopefully take a long, hot shower. 

i am quite surprised Sir Raven didn’t have her head explode when i turned in the test last last week.  She was uncharacteristically quiet about it, actually. The instructor could have refused it and i can’t say i would have blamed her.  i would be utterly shocked if i did better than a B in this class.  i have a hard time attributing that to anything other than my fault.  There are other factors, yes.  But not fault.  The incompetent tape isn’t even rolling, because i’m too tired to even deal with that.

So…really…thank God its Saturday.  Finally, i may get a chance to relax without so much to do hanging over my head all of the time.  i haven’t been able to do that in six weeks.

i do hope that she feels up to beating me soon.  i really don’t want to be all out of practice and tender before we are doing a demo, for one thing.  But…really…i just need to reconnect to her in that way.  It’s been what seems like an eternity.

Something really odd has happened.

i used to think about S/m very frequently.  It wasn’t unusual for it to cross my mind hourly before.  Sometimes, the thoughts were about all i could think about because they regularly intruded.  That about sums up the want, want, want it phase.

That gave way to the infrequent but very strong, overpowering even, need phase.  You know, the one she likes.  Maybe because that is that is how she likes me, the need phase became my norm.  In that phase, it is strange because i don’t want the pain.  i don’t want to make myself take it, i don’t want to deal physically, endorphins are not going to save me.  But the pay off is so sweet.  It’s the intense, raw experience i need emotionally so afterwards, i felt total peace. 

Now?  i don’t know.  i’m a little numb.  It’s there, deep down, very deep down.  The need.  It lacks the urgency.  It lacks the physical or emotional demand.  It’s strange and i don’t know what it means.  S/m has never been something i was lukewarm about, no matter the experience itself. 

i’ve done it to get the endorphin high, to enjoy the thrill seeking, to let go, to lay myself down, to gain intimacy, to physically enjoy it, to blow off steam, and to surrender. 

i have a strong emotional reaction to each of those things so i don’t understand my odd response.  i am aware that i need it but the numb sensation is foreign and unwelcome.  Frightening because its so far away from how i innately handle stress, express myself creatively, and express devotion. 

It occurs to me that i should share this with her.  Sometimes, i fall back into thinking that i really do not want to share something because i don’t want the other person to feel responsible for doing anything about it.  i have to remind myself that, actually, Sir Raven doesn’t do anything she really does not want to do.  She will make compromises if she thinks that it will enhance my performance.  She will walk in the shade to save my eyes, because i move slower when the light invades and i can see nothing at all.  Crossing the street into the shade is considerate of me, but also a means to an end.  She gets more of what she wants (me moving faster).

She also does lots of loving things for me for no reason at all.  This week, she painted my nails and bought me a really nice, thick sea sponge.  A couple of weeks ago, she brought home a little box of truffles.  i don’t want to give the impression that she is just a hard ass. 

In any event, i asked for pain last week and asked again today.  i don’t mind asking if i perceive that not getting what i need is inhibiting my performance.  Once i ask, of course, its entirely out of my hands. 

i adore her and want to give her my best.  i don’t feel that it is a failure on my part to need something from her at times for that to happen but i had to work my ass off to achieve that understanding.  i struggled, for years, with thinking it might be selfish to need anything, primarily because i often went without in life before her.

She takes such good care of me in so many ways that i have to nearly pinch myself sometimes.  It’s sort of amazing to depend on someone, without reservation. 

Okay, i’ve got laundry to do and the meds are starting to work.  i cheated a bit and had another cup of coffee.  Did i mention that?  Of all confounded things, she is messing with my copious caffeine intake.  There are things i could say about that, but i’ll refrain.