A Simple Man

i know i’m blessed by Her every day.

i have just read an entire thread on fet devoted to a slave feeling not an insignificant amount of angst regarding her Master doing what felt like a bait-and-switch.  The replies came from two camps.  One of which informed her that she needed to “suck it up” that if she is a slave (eyeroll to the if) she will accept life on his terms.  The other camp basically said he wasn’t perhaps holding up his end of the bargain and she needed to address this or walk.

i think both ideas are true at the same time (well, not the walk part…i’m old school on that one).

One reason i’m thankful to fellow bloggers is that slaves will honestly say that there is an ebb and flow to how you experience your life.  There will be times that you feel lots of external control and times you have to manifest lots of internal control.  Why?  Well because humans are highly adaptable and those things that made you feel whatever it is you were looking to feel become commonplace.  Like any good addict, you will need more.

Sometimes, the elusive more will come from your Master.  When that happens, its great.  Wonderful.  Or it can feel constrictive, difficult.  Either way, you get used to the new regime.   And the cycle repeats, eventually.

Sometimes, the elusive more will come from inside of you.  Something feels off and you poke around.  The angst starts spewing….hopefully not on fet.  But whatever.  It’s there.

Being an analytical person, i dig til i figure out what the hell my problem is and once i figure it out, i’m fine.  Nothing has to change externally.  The work is internal.  i may or may not share it with Her.  In fact, i generally don’t.

i write, yes.  i certainly do.  Sometimes, it ends up in emails to a trusted friend.  i have also called my adopted Auntie who will remind me to get the hell out of my own way.  That i’m overthinking it.  Which is generally true.  She also reminds me to communicate, which is helpful.  i just feel a responsibility to figure out the bottom line before i talk.  Often, by the time i’ve thought it through, i realize i don’t need Sir Raven to do anything at all and don’t need to talk about it.

i had a good handle on O/p before i got here and thank God.  It wasn’t our first time at the Rodeo, which helped a whole lot.  At each life stage, though, there are differences.  The way she might have handled me when she was in her thirties is not the same at her current age.  And i imagine that some of these things caused her to have to think in a different way as well.

i do not handle frustrations at 34 the same way i did at 24, either.  And thank God.  When you know better, you do better.

i have cultivated something important in myself and that is i will just sit with being uncomfortable.  i don’t judge it.  i’ll sit with it before i try and figure it out.  And because i can sit with being uncomfortable, i don’t always have to figure it out.  It comes and goes because i’m not trying to force it down, shove it away.

It makes sense that you will get a good deal of attention in the begining.  You are giving the D-type the tools they need, the information they need, the background they need- to control you.  Once they have a good handle on you and your emotional, mental, and physical reactions, this will change.  Or, that has been true of my experiences.

Sir Raven and i have gone through a quiet phase for a few weeks.  She was sick, i was sick, she has jury duty and is subjected to much stupidity.  i am fighting a miserable bladder infection and a week long jaunt into insomnia.  She has both sympathy pains (yeah, literally) and shared insomnia because i’m crawling over her all night to potty.

i respond to her needs by being silent.  i don’t initiate conversations.  i respond to her needs and give space and quiet.  i am content to ask for simple things, like a hug if i need one or occasionally sitting at her feet.

She responds to my needs by picking up dinner one night and by not getting angry when i misunderstood her text message and went out to grocery shop in excrutiating pain.  She sent a text indicating what she wanted for dinner and meant for me to understand that she was going to pick it up.  i went out and got what was needed.

In many ways, She is A Simple Man.

Happy to have her eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns for breakfast every day she is off.

Happy to just have me silently across the room, a clean home and laundry, and the requested sandwich for dinner sometimes.  Happy that she doesn’t have to change who she is or how she speaks to get a glass of ice water.  (Which was a compliant from the fet slave…which sounds trite but was sympamatic of other issues).

Underneath all of that, though, there is no mistake about who is in control.

When she was sick, she was still in control.  That is why i had three backup plans so when she didn’t want to take one medication, i had three other options available. 🙂

When i am sick, she is still in control.  Her legs are not broken, she could go get her own glass of water.  i am thankful she doesn’t.  i am thankful that little things matter a great deal to her.  We aren’t showy people.  Small things mean a lot to both of us.

The first time she didn’t use me for a month, i had a full boogy tilt panic attack.  i tried to look at it from about fifty angles and eventually realized that i feared it meant something about her not wanting me.  Once i understood that she thinks often about using me and desires me, i was fine.  i started to understand that she liked using me when i was, actually, not wanting it.  Sir Raven favors me needing it but not wanting the pain because that factor changes my responses.

In response, i have changed.  i want it less, for one thing.  Needing it has become my new normal and my ability to be content without real pain has expanded as well.  i have become more comfortable expressing that need directly.  i have become comfortable with the idea that once i do this, it is entirely out of my hands.  i have zip say over when, how, or to what extent.  i have no vote.

This may not have been something i would have ever asked for but i have adapted myself to the circumstances.  i am well with it.  That is all about manifesting internal control because waiting for S and M is not something inherent to my nature.  Frankly, i can–and have–been beaten nearly every single day in the past and enjoyed that even when i wasn’t beaten in ways i enjoyed.

But what i didn’t have then is any meaningful control in my life.

That is non negotiable for me.  So is the loose but certain concept that force is acceptable should i ever step too far out of line.  Unlike the poster on fet, it is sooo not okay for me to deliberately act out if i feel like it.  i would get far more response than i would ever bargain for.  It is also not insignificant, to me, that if i was deliberately acting out she would perceive this as a failure on her part, as well as a failure on mine.

Several people told her that a sensible response to her acting out was to ignore it.

i will say that this is not good advice for every person.  For me, it would spell disaster.  i don’t handle that well which is odd considering.  For me, i have to know in my bones, that she is capable of force if it came down to it.

That is why i asked her for very few promises before i came to be hers.  One of them is that she be willing to stomp me down like a forest fire if she felt like it was needed.  The only other thing i can think of is that i asked that she never treat me different than she would any other slave because of the chronic pain.

i think a lot of times, we get the impression that “true slaves” have no needs.  We were human before we were slaves and all humans have needs.  i think the key is to work at figuring out what it is that you really need.

What is beneath the OP thinking she needs orders barked to feel like a slave?

What was beneath me thinking i needed a constant supply of S/m?  (i was thinking that i would loose control as i drowned in chronic pain, which is wayyyy worse without the S/m.  What i feared is not actually true.  It’s unpleasant dealing with the worsening chronic pain but it did not actually make me an ineffective slave.  i did not actually loose my self control as a result of increased pain).

i think it’s good advice to figure out what is beneath what you think you need rather than focusing on thinking you need orders presented a certain way.  When you know that, you find your inner strength and true needs.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “A Simple Man

  1. Very insightful post, as always.

  2. aimlovelive says:

    Thanks you for this post. It really helped me put some things in perspective.
    i feel a calmness that i’ve been longing for. Something just clicked into place.

    Thank you!

    -aim

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s