i am sick to death of this week. It’s been long, emotionally messy, exhausting, frustrating, and physically miserable.
Today, i sat down and wrote my short paper, a seven page report, five discussion posts, and took my test. Yes, that is a weeks work in one single day. That is what can happen when my brain is not on vacation.
Why can’t i do that all of the time???
i have turned in papers late for this class. Hell, last week i turned in a test late. This class has just sucked, being sick for weeks sucked, it has all sucked.
It has, however, given me a lot to think about especially in regards to ways other cultures handle interdepence, how deliberately instilling a sense of guilt can pay off, and other concepts that have made me pause and think of ttwd. i don’t have the brain power to dive into those ideas right now but will do so when i can because they demand to be written. 🙂
i need to get dressed and get the laundry done, get some groceries, and hopefully take a long, hot shower.
i am quite surprised Sir Raven didn’t have her head explode when i turned in the test last last week. She was uncharacteristically quiet about it, actually. The instructor could have refused it and i can’t say i would have blamed her. i would be utterly shocked if i did better than a B in this class. i have a hard time attributing that to anything other than my fault. There are other factors, yes. But not fault. The incompetent tape isn’t even rolling, because i’m too tired to even deal with that.
So…really…thank God its Saturday. Finally, i may get a chance to relax without so much to do hanging over my head all of the time. i haven’t been able to do that in six weeks.
i do hope that she feels up to beating me soon. i really don’t want to be all out of practice and tender before we are doing a demo, for one thing. But…really…i just need to reconnect to her in that way. It’s been what seems like an eternity.
Something really odd has happened.
i used to think about S/m very frequently. It wasn’t unusual for it to cross my mind hourly before. Sometimes, the thoughts were about all i could think about because they regularly intruded. That about sums up the want, want, want it phase.
That gave way to the infrequent but very strong, overpowering even, need phase. You know, the one she likes. Maybe because that is that is how she likes me, the need phase became my norm. In that phase, it is strange because i don’t want the pain. i don’t want to make myself take it, i don’t want to deal physically, endorphins are not going to save me. But the pay off is so sweet. It’s the intense, raw experience i need emotionally so afterwards, i felt total peace.
Now? i don’t know. i’m a little numb. It’s there, deep down, very deep down. The need. It lacks the urgency. It lacks the physical or emotional demand. It’s strange and i don’t know what it means. S/m has never been something i was lukewarm about, no matter the experience itself.
i’ve done it to get the endorphin high, to enjoy the thrill seeking, to let go, to lay myself down, to gain intimacy, to physically enjoy it, to blow off steam, and to surrender.
i have a strong emotional reaction to each of those things so i don’t understand my odd response. i am aware that i need it but the numb sensation is foreign and unwelcome. Frightening because its so far away from how i innately handle stress, express myself creatively, and express devotion.
It occurs to me that i should share this with her. Sometimes, i fall back into thinking that i really do not want to share something because i don’t want the other person to feel responsible for doing anything about it. i have to remind myself that, actually, Sir Raven doesn’t do anything she really does not want to do. She will make compromises if she thinks that it will enhance my performance. She will walk in the shade to save my eyes, because i move slower when the light invades and i can see nothing at all. Crossing the street into the shade is considerate of me, but also a means to an end. She gets more of what she wants (me moving faster).
She also does lots of loving things for me for no reason at all. This week, she painted my nails and bought me a really nice, thick sea sponge. A couple of weeks ago, she brought home a little box of truffles. i don’t want to give the impression that she is just a hard ass.
In any event, i asked for pain last week and asked again today. i don’t mind asking if i perceive that not getting what i need is inhibiting my performance. Once i ask, of course, its entirely out of my hands.
i adore her and want to give her my best. i don’t feel that it is a failure on my part to need something from her at times for that to happen but i had to work my ass off to achieve that understanding. i struggled, for years, with thinking it might be selfish to need anything, primarily because i often went without in life before her.
She takes such good care of me in so many ways that i have to nearly pinch myself sometimes. It’s sort of amazing to depend on someone, without reservation.
Okay, i’ve got laundry to do and the meds are starting to work. i cheated a bit and had another cup of coffee. Did i mention that? Of all confounded things, she is messing with my copious caffeine intake. There are things i could say about that, but i’ll refrain.