Fantasy and Reality

i am awaiting the announcement of the new Pope.  i am surprised that i care about this because, frankly, i shouldn’t perhaps.  But…yeah….i do.  Enough about that.

Also, i’m thinking about the Valle case, and how frightening i find it that the man is facing the possibility of a life sentence for his fantasies.  Do i think he has some compelling issues because he acted on his fantasies to kidnap and eat people via stalking them with his police clearance?  Yes.  That is clearly a problem.  A mental health problem more than a criminal one in my mind.  That is an important distinction.  In a paper i wrote last week, i pointed out that if Valle had paraphilia, he could have found a consentual and healthy outlet for some of his desires.  And my professor wrote in her comments (“healthy”?).

And i was thinking, “No.  Healthy.  Exactly what i said.  A Sadist is not the same thing as a person who has nonconsentually stalked victims to kidnap and eat.  Certainly, the whole eating of bodies thing is not something i can condone.  Plently of people have kidnap fantasies, “rape” and force fantasies and that doesn’t mean they stalk non interested people.  There are enough people who want to do a kidnap/”rape”/ whatever thing to consentually work that out.  Or not act on it at all.”

It worries me though.  Where will we go with this as a society? 

i have fantasies that i keep tightly under wraps and likely always will.  They are not things i would act on under my own devices.  They are not violent to anyone besides me because all of my sexual fantasies revolve around things that are dark, sweaty, angry, violent, cruel things.  Thinking about it, my actual sexual experiences are dark, sweaty, violent things. And i like it and need it that way. Force is certainly a needful thing for me. Given and taken. Still, there are degrees of violence that exist in a fantasy sphere only. i do not share them with anyone because there is no need.  Logically speaking, i don’t see where it would make sense to plant that seed in her mind, so to speak, especially since i am aware of some of her own dark thoughts. 

In other news, Sir Raven made a doctor’s appointment for me and they obliged by fitting me in tomorrow morning.  i’d love to cancel it.  My experiences with doctors have not been very positive (including a serious cancer scare years ago) and there is the underlying fear born of not having much medical care in the last six years.  Losing insurance and paying cash meant that i put off everything that i did not absolutely have to do.  No labs, no dentist, no testing, not even routine annual exams.  i just couldn’t afford it.  i am seriously greatful, of course, but also dislike doctors and am having an emotional reaction.  Which i handled with my normal grace, which is to say i ate some forbidden oreos for brunch while attempting to not think about it.

The simple fact is that i have no control in this.  i can’t refuse to go.  i can’t cancel the appointment.  i’m going.  And she is delighted with herself and that fact, i think.  Or, at least, she is likely aware that this certainly drives home that i am absolutely property and she is exercising her rights as my Master to make me submit to this.  i didn’t say much.  What could i possibly say?  Clearly, i am aware that i have to go see someone if i need antibiotics.  Cleary, i am aware that she has every right to do this.  Still, the worry was written on my face when Sir Raven asked if i was going to “obsess about this all day” before she kissed my forehead and left for work.  She sounded pleased, actually. 

i shouldn’t be tense about this.  i keep telling myself how ridiculous it is for me to be tense about just going to see a doctor.  Good grief.  i put it out of my head most of the day, working on memorizing the text and writing my short paper.  i obsessed about my grades instead.  🙂  i am a bit shook that i nearly made a “B” in my last class and seriously slid in with an “A” for my final grade, making perfect scores on everything my last two weeks.  So, a little obsession is not beyond understanding.  i can’t afford to cut it that close again.

i have stuff i need to get done around here and some groceries to pick up.  As bad as i’m feeling it is still with a thankful heart that i am not as sick as i was.  As much as i don’t want to go to the doctor, i’m greatful i have the ability to go and that she cares enough to make that happen. 

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One thought on “Fantasy and Reality

  1. aisha says:

    Dear jade,

    Just fyi, darlin’, i think medical stuff is a huge trigger for many people. i only mention this because you said it was ridiculous to be worried about it, and it’s not ridiculous at all. It makes perfect sense.

    I’m glad you’re going though. Don’t feel bad about not having gone much though, lots of younger people don’t. (Yes, you’re younger.) That shouldn’t be a big deal.

    much love…

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