Roll Tape

It’s that time, again.  The incompetent tape keeps trying to roll and i keep trying to silence it.  The evidence this time is compelling.  Yes, its not a little moment where i feel inept, its a lot of them strung together.

Sir Raven has said many times, “get it together, girl.” 

Sigh. Yeah.  Roger that.

i’m responsible for keeeping things running smoothly and making sure that we don’t run out of what we need.  With me practically deathly ill for a week and still not back 100 percent, many chores went by the wayside.

i’m frustrated with myself.  It seems that the bad days have outnumbered the good ones physically in the last few weeks.  Three weeks all together between the pinched nerve and back out followed by sick, sick, sick.

i appreciated the fact that i knew that the household stuff would wait for me.  Sir Raven was an angel and had to make do, buying herself dinner for a week.  The house chores simply waited for me to be able to get up and get it done.  She did wash coffee mugs and a pot for the first time and i was sooo sick i didn’t even feel guilty. 

Now?  i’m feeling it.  Guilty, frustrated, incompetent. 

i’ve let us run out of sugar, coffee, and other essentials.

There is dirty laundry that i’m still trying to get caught up on because carrying it all there has been a major challenge. 

It all seems ridiculous.  Like, really, who in the hell can’t get simple things done?  Me.  That’s who.

My normal thing if i have a bad day is to redouble my efforts the next and push through.  It is a strange thing to not have the energy and stamina to push through it.  i want to shake myself i’m so annoyed. 

i realized i needed to stay on the daytime cold medicine and got some last night.  The sinus pain, ear popping stuff has to be dialed down a bit.  When i take it, i feel pretty decent.  Less body aches helps as well. 

Tommorrow, is Sir Raven’s book discussion and she has warned me that if i’m not well enough, i will be staying home.  i’d really like to go and support her.  We will see what she decides.  As far as i know, i will be going with her. 

i need to get a lot of stuff done, clearly.  i don’t like making Sir Raven worried or annoyed and i think she is both.  That is reasonable enough.  It’s been almost two weeks now that she has had to deal with an ineffective me. 

Yesterday, i actually cried and i never cry.  i was just feeling so awful physically and emotionally.  i try really hard to always have a good attitude about the fibromyalgia because that is all i can control about it.  But damn it.  i’m young.  Every person i see is a reminder that i shouldn’t be this tired, shouldn’t be in pain all of the time.  i need to move away from that line of thinking and i’m trying. 

There is this—-there is this terrible thought that Sir Raven deserves better.  And i know, i know, that she walked into this thing with me with her eyes wide open.  She chose me and it isn’t my job to second guess that for her.  Having that thought is self-destructive and destructive to us.  i just…i want her to have the best…and right now, i’m not feeling like the best at anything. 

i’m also feeling bad about the “little outbursts” surrounding the doctor visit.  i don’t know how she deals with that.  i’ve asked and was assured that it doesn’t happen often and it is somewhat ammusing to her for that reason.  When its not, she will let me know.  i hope it never comes to that.

The idea that people have about M/s is that the slave doesn’t have control.  In my experience, that idea is totally wrong.  i think i have to have a very high degree of self-awareness and self-control to live this way.  i think if i was waiting on her to “make me” do everything all of the time, we would both drown in the exhaustion of that experience.  i have to be able to make myself do things and most of the time, i don’t have issues there.  i know what needs to be done and can be counted on to get it done.  When i can’t, my challenge is to not mentally beat myself up or feel so guilty or angry that i shut down.  Those things….they take a tremendous amount of self-control.  i can’t realistically go to her to “fix it.”  i can’t say, “hey, can you beat the guilt and anger out of me?”  We don’t necessarily work that way. 

If someone had told me a year ago that i would be able to function and be happy and content without relying so much on beatings, i would have laughed in their face.  But here i am and am overall content, happy, comfortable.

i wonder if the guilt/anger/frustration reaction is in part based on past experiences, which tell me that falling short of the mark for any reason deserves punishment.  Whatever the reason i’m feeling this way, it’s not helpful.  i need to just “get back on the horse” and make it work.  The spirit is always willing, hopefully the body will decide to make it work too.


3 thoughts on “Roll Tape

  1. night owl says:

    OF COURSE the reactions are based on past experiences!

    Someone quoted a statistic at me, that the Western mind has approximately 8000 thoughts per day and not one of them is a new one or original. We are nothing BUT the compilation of our pasts.

    I read what you write and think how my yesterday was a mirror of yours, crying over disappointing my significant other, when he neither asks nor wants that from me. How he wants me to be resilient and strong, how I fear letting him down, HATE letting him down.

    What about you? How are you letting yourself down by being so hard on jade? Cut a girl some slack!!

    Just talking to myself again.

  2. jadescastle says:

    i ended up having a very productive day today and am feeling a bit better. i wrote a seven page paper, took my test, got everything on a long list done except the laundry.
    You are right about being hard on myself. i try and be compassionate with myself …some moments are better than others. Thanks for the reminder.
    i am always thinking. i am pretty sure i have orginal thoughts daily. i’m always thinking about research, paintings i want to do, etc. etc. etc.

    • night owl says:

      I suppose what the speaker meant were those non-creative thoughts, wondering how we appear to others, self-critical thoughts, even prideful thoughts.

      I find I have many self-pitying thoughts when I’m under extreme mental or physical stress and I KNOW those are all thoughts I’ve heard before. 🙂

      I’m glad you had such a productive day. Productive work and domestic days are so comforting.

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