transparency sucks

No i can’t take one more step toward you, cause all that’s waiting is regret.  – Christina Perri

 

We slaves are constantly told to communicate, constantly reminded of the many virtues of being transparent.  And while i get it….damn it….i get it….no one seems to want to admit that there are times it sucks.

Like when you have to deliver bad news.  Like when you receive a note you think is totally inappropriate and you’d rather shield your Master from it.  The discomfort of it.  The way you feel kicked in the stomach?  Yeah.  That.  Who in the hell wants to pass that feeling on?  Face the silence because that is our default setting for bad feelings.  We get around to talking about bad topics, eventually, with starts and stops and finally a lengthy talk.  If we get around to the lengthy talk part, its because we are focused on different parts of the problem.  i am more likely to talk about the principle of the thing.  She is more likely to focus on the concrete thing which happened and exemplifies the principle.  So, it can take a lot of words to see that we are looking at the same thing in mostly the same way.

i had to read the note twice.  The first reading made me wince and i immediately thought, “fuck.  i’m going to have to tell Sir Raven about this.”  Then, i was thinking i needed to have my coffee first and re-read it because maybe it wasn’t that bad.  But…yeah…it pretty much was.

The thing is, there really isn’t anything i don’t view through the lens of M/s.  There really isn’t anything that i don’t consider Master first, how it would sound to her, if the communication is respectful of her Status.  i do it with myself.  i do it with everyone else.  i keep people at a deep distance until i feel comfortable that they won’t put me in a position to have to examine if they are trying to put bad thoughts in my head, if they are suggesting in some manner that Sir Raven is wrong.  Those things?  They are not welcomed.  They are not acceptable to me.  A friend will join in happy moments and frustrating ones and will not do anything to damage me.  It is damaging to me to not respect my relationship because it is the most important thing in my life.  It is my life.  Everything else is secondary to her.  i know from past experience how destructive it is to have something outside of your relationship planting seeds of doubt, offering ways out, offering things in opposition to the rules.  A friend won’t put me in those positions.  Especially a Dominant friend.  i live without friends just fine if i have to.  i can’t apologize for that. 

As Sir Raven and i joke around here, “Master may not be right, but she is never wrong.”  If i’m the girl living here and i don’t question her motivations, judgements, concepts, truths….who in the hell is anyone else to do this? 

i’m angry.  i feel violated.  i feel sad because i think i will have to end contact with the person who wrote.  i did not respond.  i can’t think of anything to say besides “Who do you think you are?”  Or, “why would you suggest such a thing to a slave?  Don’t you get it? i cannot independently decide one damn thing so why would you ask me?  What makes you think i do not belong by her side or that i would leave it for anything?”  Or, “You are supposed to be a Master.  You should know better.  But even if you don’t….i do.”

People surprise me.  They really do.  For all of the constant talking about what it means to be a Master and slave, you’d think that it would be easier to find people who know what this means.  Such as…people like us who don’t turn it on and off, decide its inconvenient that day, or that it would be more fun to be doing something else.  i know that there is a tremendous difference in how people define Master or define slave.  But is nothing sacred?  i am not any Master’s peer and i would think that would be a given.  i would also think it would be a given that a Master would understand i cannot make major independent decisions for myself.  For that reason, they should be consulting my Master -rather than me- about anything they know would be out of the ordinary or beyond my permitted decision-making abilities.

It’s one thing for me to go to the grocery store and buy some oranges.  i haven’t done that before here but i know that would be just fine. 

It is a totally different thing to get on a plane, go to Florida, and pick some oranges for a few days. 

i would think that no matter how you define the word slave you’d know that i could not form a decision like that. 

 

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5 thoughts on “transparency sucks

  1. I do agree that transparency can suck. So can the entire process of being a slave, or a Master, too, for that matter.

    I’m sorry you were put in a bad position, and I agree with everything you said, with one exception. You said, “i am not any Master’s peer and i would think that would be a given.” I would actually disagree in the sense that, I would absolutely consider a long-term and experienced slave the “elder” of a new Master, or one with little experience. Someone who has walked the walk and talked the talk would, in my opinion, have ranking over someone who merely grabbed a Master’s cover and said, “Call me Master.”

    Otherwise, I agree, and I am sorry.

    • jadescastle says:

      There is no way for me to say this in a nice way so i’ll just put it out there. i don’t think any person is a Master because they have “merely grabbed a Master’s cover and said, “Call me Master.” In that case, i don’t owe them anything besides the same polite behavior i would show to any human being. What i meant when i said, “i am not any Master’s peer” is that it is a function of my position as a slave to expect that you would know to speak to my Master if you wanted to plan something with me. There isn’t anything to discuss with me until you had the okay from Sir Raven. Coming to me first seems wrong to us for a number of reasons. Thank you for making the distinction in your comments. Maybe it is the Leather in me, but i think it is best when people put in the work to earn their status as Master or slave.

  2. night owl says:

    jade,

    The inappropriate behavior of this other Master certainly does not reflect on YOU. However, I know submissive nature and how we pick ourselves apart looking for what we’ve done wrong, how we encouraged this overture, what our part in it was.

    My therapist would say to me, “This has nothing to do with YOU”. She would be right. By talking to Sir Raven, you continue to enforce the trust between you, which I think is marvelous. I am working on those issues myself, being vulnerable, open and honest.

    • jadescastle says:

      Sir Raven does not feel i am in the wrong here. We both are people who consider that it is very rare in life when someone is entirely blameless. i feel responsible for looking at my part in bad situations. Sometimes, my responsibility is not listening to my gut feelings.

      • night owl says:

        I feel exactly the same way, that I am somehow responsible if for no other reason that I am there. Very often, that is because I didn’t listen to my gut feelings, too.

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