Low

Yesterday, i was trying to write about how nice Sir Raven’s book discussion went and how nice people here are to me.  i wanted to write about that but was totally distracted by the anxiety i was feeling about another situation.

i’m having a familiar low-level anxiety, distracting, like being dive bombed by a fly.  It can’t actually hurt you but its damn distracting and you want it to stop.  The reason i am able to contain the anxiety at low with some medium spikes is entirely from therapy and the techniques i’ve practiced the last couple of years, gained from therapy.

Feeling this anxiety happens any time a person who has-or had-power over my life is angry.  It is this sensation that something bad will happen.  My life experience tells me this is mostly true. 

One reason i know my relationship with Sir Raven is healthy is she doesn’t swing wildly from one direction to another.  Certainly not in regards to me. 

i am not “jade, the good girl, the dependable, wonderful example of a girl slave” one day and “jade, the bad girl, the willful, prodigal slave” the next.  This is what i’m used to, overall, from every other family i’ve ever been in before in life.  And it’s powerful. 

It wouldn’t work, of course, if i wasn’t a good girl.  In my experience, bad girls don’t actually care about being bad.  They kind of enjoy it. 

You can use the subtext of “what a bad girl” in a way that doesn’t do damage.  You can recreate the idea that some silly treat is a big deal to receive or that you don’t deserve it and that is just fine.  Sir Raven and i toy with these concepts a little bit but there is never a personal attack.  We don’t blame each other.  There is just a subtle hint of it.  Even when Sir Raven says i’m bad, i sort of giggle at her.  We tease each other with it.  It does not hurt though, because we both know if i actually was bad she would be stomping me down and i’d be begging her to do it.  She would not have chosen me at all to be hers if i was really bad.  So, it is a concept we toy with. 

i was listening to a podcast on the topic of being a “Bad Daddy” and the idea was presented that a “bad girl” can never be totally gotten rid of…because you are Daddy…and you cannot erase that.  i relate strongly to that concept and there is a relief in it.  i do think that once i became her slave, that we could not ever totally rid ourselves of each other.   

In other families, there was always the sensation that i could be gotten rid of.  i was gotten rid of a few times, hence the foster home.  A familiar refrain of my biological family was how easy it was for people to walk away from the three of us.  To a child’s mind, that seemed accurate.  My mother was married seven times and that is a lot of being left.  It seemed that people were in….and then out….and walked away without a backwards glance.  My mother herself did it as well a few times

In other relationships as well, there is a subtext of thinly veiled threats that i am so bad that i will be out of the family. This absolutely does not work for me in the long run. It makes me shut down emotionally and prevents me from giving parts of myself. Because a part of me is always ready, having to be tough, ready to face being alone and often not having the resources i need to survive.

The idea in the short-term is what makes the anxiety come on. i feel like i am supposed to be fixing the anger. Accepting the blame. Proving my love. Proving my loyalty and dedication. i am so used to being blamed for anger that it doesn’t bother me anymore. Unfortunately, even when i know a person is not living up to their part and is hurting me with their bad behavior, i don’t stop loving them. i don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing about me.

Love doesn’t mean i will have a person in my life that proves themselves unworthy of me.

Love is the thing that has encouraged me in the past to keep reaching out. Love and fear. i’ve learned to ignore the impulse and to understand it for what it is. i’m feeling fear because that is what has been encouraged in me.

When i came here, to Sir Raven, it was an act of faith. i have absolute faith in her. i have absolute love for her. i trust her motivations and there is no part of me holding back. For the first time in my life, there is a feeling of peace and clarity. i’m feeling those things because she has inspired those emotions, let me see her even shaking in anger and saw that she would still show restraint. i have no anxiety about her getting rid of me, deciding i’m not good enough. For all of these reasons, and more, she has access to all of me.

i’m dealing with the rest as best i can and am focusing on what is here, what is real.

There are times i wish i had someone else to talk to because i don’t want to dump everything onto Sir Raven, especially when something is triggering me a bit. i need to acknowledge the feelings, the patterns, and i’m trying to learn to not assign too much blame to myself. i’m trying to remind myself that i’m not bad. One day, i will reach a place where i have more experience with stability than the rest. Right now, it is new and i am surprised at how fully i am able to trust. It goes a long way that Sir Raven doesn’t turn on me, which is what i’m used to. That the angry person can pull everyone else in and convince them that i’m bad.

In this world, the only person who gets to decide that is Sir Raven. And she is perfectly capable of deciding that on her own. 🙂

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