last night

Last night, Sir Raven and i attended the spanking/caning demo.  i must say, it was fantastic.  i’m still trying to tease apart the difference between the spanking and bdsm communities.  i’m still feeling the exquisite joy i always feel watching a woman take control of a room.  One woman does it through using words that encourage involvement but with a no-nonsence attitude, another has a quiet energy that i love because it feels like the antidote to all of the testosterone driven chest-beating one normally associates with Dominace, and a third has the unmistakeable energy of a Teacher.  After the class, i thanked them and i most genuinely meant it. 

The latter presenter, of the spanker group, was fantastic and surprised me.  i suppose i was expecting a more touchy-feely personality.  Afterwards, when i thanked her, i grinned in the co-conspirital way only teachers who are battle-tested can understand, and told her definitively, “She still has it.”  You have to take control of your literal classroom, of controlling that space.  It does extend to controlling people sometimes but effectively you do it through controlling the space and setting the tone and standards.  She approaches spanking and speaking with that same sensibility and it is refreshing to see.

It is always nice to get to see one of my most favorite people here.  It’s soothing and it’s a nice reminder for me that i can still enjoy female energy.  That is odd maybe for a lesbian to say. Feminine energy is a  different thing for me, harder than energy that is a mix of masculine and feminine.  Mostly, because it can make my inner child parts pop out and i have to feel a high degree of safety for that to happen.  i am sensitive in that space and i have to be cautious.

After the meeting,before the circle,  i suddenly had a pain spike that was a 10.  i wasn’t sure i was going to be able to move at all.  Half of my last pill later, i regained some sense of control over my body and was able to function.  All of a sudden, my tail bone had just exploded in radiating pain.  It makes me feel self-conscious and fearful.  i have drastically limited my venturing out alone beyond our neighborhood because i’m afraid of having that level of pain and not being able to take anything and not being able to move.  The thing that will happen is my leg will go out from underneath me, which is scary.

Anyhow, the night was really nice, other than that.  i was glad we went and that Sir Raven let me go.  The other funny thing about the night was during the caning demo, i was stiffling a laugh because we break all of the rules.  Yeah.  All of them.

Today, i’ve been trying to write a paper on PTSD and i’m having a really hard time.  Sir Raven and i ended up talking about when we decide to disclose personal biographical data, especially related to negative things in our past.  i do it when i believe it will help someone else.  The only other reason i will do it is if i am warning a person of potential triggers.  There are times i write here about my abuse history simply because something came up for me and it is empowering to be honest and speak my own truth, finally.  Mostly, though, i disclose for the two other reasons alone.

Sir Raven finally got what i was clumsily trying to ask and said she discloses on the basis of feeling close with a person or to promote intimacy.  i would surmise that is why most people do disclose details of their lives. 

There are times i feel ….funny….because it seems less than honest to not fully answer a question when i have no reason to not answer other than i am an intensely private person. 

i struggle with trying to maintain a balance between being private and sharing to help, educate, or empower. 

i did decide to end up sharing in the class discussion boards which made Sir Raven ask why in the world we were having this conversation at all since i had already made up my mind.  i thought it was a valid question, to discuss when and why we disclose private details.

i wonder if this would change about me in time, under her influence. 

There are a lot of things that have.  Including being complimented last night and though it made me blush a bit, i was able to simply say, “thank you.” 

Just the fact that i make myself talk at all is due to her.  i’d sit there like a mute sponge otherwise, unless i was trying to help someone and felt confident i could. 

There is also the fact that i can experience not feeingl self-conscious about letting her quietly know that i need medicine right now.  Consciously or not, Sir Raven will stand in front of me for a few moments, effectively shielding anyone from seeing my face or lack of ability to move.  We don’t make a big, huge deal out of it….even when it sort of is one.  i appreciate knowing her strength is there for me to lean on, literally and figuratively.  On some levels, i’d rather she never have to know or be inconvenienced but it’s a part of our lives.  It is something that is very different for me because i never trusted anyone to help me before. 

She seems to accept it like she accepts all of me.  It is a part of the package of me.  Even today is pretty bad but just knowing she is in the next room makes me feel safer.  Yesterday, i knew it was going to be hard with all of the sitting, etc but i also knew without a doubt that the moment i saw her i would be okay. 

To trust someone with the most vulnerable parts of me is so huge and i am so thankful. 

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One thought on “last night

  1. I think the reason it always seems to take me so long to comment on your posts is that there’s so much in them that I enjoy.

    I really enjoyed your description of different kinds of teachers. I believe strongly in controlling the class and the class room as part of my “job” as a teacher. I expect to remain in control of the class, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I want to have people invested, I want people to interact with me, and with each other, but in the end, it’s my class.

    I’m glad that you have found someone who suits you so well.

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