We hear so much about how it’s important to communicate in relationships, many say this but I’m at a loss at how little people know how. We have been participating in a book discussion and by we I mean the royal We. It was my idea, but then people were really interested in it and I had to actually get it together, yeah go me. The book we are reading is Power circuits polyamory in power dynamics. It’s a really great book and has a lot of food for thought. I’ve read it twice and am glad that the girl and I have been having lively conversations before and after the discussion about it. One point in the book could not have come at a better time. Due to recent events the chapters in the book gives an example of how the dominant gave general instructions to two very different salves and how soon after the dominant learned to think about and communicate clearly what they wanted. Due to the mess their lack of good communication had caused between the slaves. This is true with all relationships but I find that some so called masters have no clue on how to get what they want or even how to ask for it. The reason I believe is because it’s “grown up”, it’s an “adult” action that some if not many did not grow up seeing. I think I tried to convey this point once before?
Because the master doesn’t have this skill they are “winging” it. Instead of doing the “grown” up thing and asking for help. there’s nothing shameful about not knowing, the shame comes in willfully staying ignorant. This is true for those who make it a point to make a “name” for themselves in the community. what happens is that they are so busy professing that it’s for the community out of one side of their mouth, while grandstanding and propping themselves up with half truths out the other side of their mouths. while the sad truth remains that they don’t have a clue. At the book discussion this issue of relationships being hard and having to do the “grown up” thing came up. to a resounding moan and agreement.
But that grown and agreement was like music to me, because it meant to me that judging from the people in the room all of whom I know on several different personal levels that they understood and were at some level of doing just that. Growing and still growing up.
The girl and I talk a great deal and although I tease her that she is chatty she really isn’t. The funny teasing talk is always happening between us, but the serious conversation happen as well.
Here’s the wonderful thing about communication, you can’t be afraid to do it, fear comes in when people feel that they can not trust the person they may be communicating to. In M/s although there has to be plenty of communication, there too has to be trust and without it most are on the river denial. And that isn’t fun for anyone, it’s a cycle I refuse to partake in.
Which brings me to something I read over at Ms. Constance’s blog on traaaaaspartancy! In her blog post South Plains II Yep the ole transparency word. I agree with Ms. Constance that the slave is required to be transparent to the master, but the master does not owe the same to the slave. Yep I said it, although I believe I’m transparent to my slave, I dictate how transparent I will be. On the flip side she has no recourse for being transparent to me. I can at any time ask for and will receive any thoughts, or feelings she may have. full disclosure. Why? As Ms. Constance pointed out if the slave has given me control over their lives, that then includes thoughts, and feelings. I think we (meaning me and mine) use the word transparency not like those in the “community” do since we talk all the time. She can’t keep a secret, what I do expect in the way of transparency is that if something has my slave feeling like she is being wronged, disrespected, made to feel less than by people outside of our world or infringing and or disrespecting our relationship she has to be transparent in letting me know this no matter how she thinks I may feel. It is not her job to think for me.
Case in point, she received a message from another “master” which she thought I should know about given what was written in it. My first thought was to pick up the phone, and I did reach for it to call this person, but then I took a couple of deep breaths and put it down.
Instead, I thought what part have I played in this situation? And wrote a message stating the part I felt I played and apologizing for it. Simple as that, I was wrong and apologized. and this was a time that I felt I had to be transparent to my slave, so I forwarded her the email. I wanted her to know I was wrong and had to man up, which I did. For me this is what being transparent is for the one in charge. But communication should be happening all the time.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
- transparency sucks (jadescastle.wordpress.com)