When there is a situation and heavy emotions are involved, i go inward, like Sir Raven. i look for ways that i have contributed to the problem because i have always believed that an unexamined history will always repeat itself.
When i figure out what my part in the situation has been, i want to go to the people involved and talk it through calmly.
Some people are not safe to do that with.
When i met someone a few years ago, i realized immediately that she reminded me of my mother in some ways. What i should have done was stop right then and consider how to assess if i was safe and how to make sure i remained safe.
What i did instead was think, “oh, good, i know how to make these people happy and know how they wanted to be taken care of.” And then i did those things. By the time i realized, for sure, that i was in over my head….well, i was already in over my head.
Especially with people who can effect vulnerable (little girl) parts within me, i need to be damn sure they are safe first. i need to keep firm boundaries in place while i am thinking and watching to see if i am safe. i have failed myself a lot of times in those ways and i contributed to the problems that resulted.
i’m learning that.
Last week, SR turned on “Tabitha’s Salon Take Over” and it was on for hours. i like the show and left it on for background noise because i’m convinced the mouse won’t come out if it hears the tv and thinks people are everywhere. (Yes, Really).
It occured to me that i’d like to tie a certain Leather person to a chair and force her to watch it for days. Why? Well, remember that poster, “All I ever need to know about LIfe, I learned in Kindergarten”?
Dominants should have to watch “Tabitha’s Salon Take Over” to get the message that “What I really need to learn is about how to accept responsibility.”
Without fail, Tabitha does Masterful things, like:
1. Observe the situation to see what is really going on.
2. Take over.
3. Talk to everyone to see what their thoughts are about what is or is not working.
4. Remind the Owner that it is their job to provide support, structure, rules, consequences, education, a healthy environment, and the right tools for the job. It is their job to set a good example, follow through, set the tone for the environment, and check in with everyone to understand from their view what is or is not working.
5. Give people a chance to practice all of these things. Reassess what is or is not working.
There you go. Basically the inner workings of an M/s relationship right there. If those things are happening, you are Mastering yourself and others. If they are not, it is because you did not do one of the steps.
So, back to me, and my resonsibilty in that i failed to set up boundaries and assess if i was safe on an ongoing basis.
i’m realizing that before i came to New York, i lacked an education about how Master’s should treat other people’s property. i had the right ideas, the right theories, but i had no practice in what it felt like. i had no education about what it should look like and feel like. You can learn a hell of a lot about a person by who their friends are. It really shows when people have a similar moral code.
i was very hung up in my twenties about not being judgmental and i allowed people in my life who did not share my moral code. i paid for that mistake. Dearly. It might be a noble concept, but in reality it just won’t ever work out right.
What i thought though, when i noticed that other people did not have friends or did not have friends or lovers of good character (in my estimation, atleast) was that they were trying the whole “I won’t judge people” thing too. Because i was still trying to not judge.
Maybe some things in life should be uniliaterally judged.
Because if i had paid attention to things like the moral code of a persons friends, i would have steered clear of a variety of bad situations. It tells you something about a person and it is very important information.
Friends are the family you choose. And that has to count for something.
i have gotten an education here about how property should expect to be treated in another Master’s presence, home, company. In every case, in every situation, i felt genuinely cared for. i felt safe. i had no worry that anyone would scream at me or lie about me or take advantage of the situation in some way. If anything, i felt that i would be treated fairly and with honesty and kindness.
The slaves that Sir Raven has taken a special interest in because of their dedication and good qualities she sees are the people she encourages me to form friendships with. There too is the same feeling of being respected as a human being, in a genuine manner.
Most of all, my feeling is that Sir Raven is respected a great deal. Being hers means i should expect to not by harmed by anyone.
People are, of course, people and might make mistakes. Thats okay. We could get past that, its no big deal. Everyone has an “off day” or whatever. There is no pattern of behaviors here that tell me i need to be leery.
They say, “knowledge is power.” i disagree. i believe, “Applied knowledge is power.”
i have the education about how i should be treated now. If something did upset me, i know i could say so without fear. That alone is a huge lesson to me and i keep paying attention to how that feels, what it looks like and sounds like. It is a totally different thing from what i knew before.
i have to figure out how to best apply what i have learned.
i have to let go of being mad at myself for what i did not know and did not do. Some of the accountability is my own. Just not all of it. i need to let go of the parts that were not mine and forgive myself for being too afraid to stand up for myself. It is not that i did not know that the boundaries were loose. i did. i was just too afraid to say anything. i was too afraid to say, “Please stop screaming at me.” Removed from that situation, it sounds lame. i know this.
i think i need to make some rules for how to handle people who i know bring out my little side, and therefore can really hurt me. i need to make it a rule to make sure those are the especailly safe people to have around me. i fall too easily into wanting to please, catering to them, getting sucked in emotionally and wanting to fix everything. Knowing that means i need to create some bigger boundaries there.
The interesting thing is i would have no problem quietly and politely asking Sir Raven to not yell. She isn’t a yelling person, ever. But if she yelled at me, i would think to say something about that. i’m not afraid of her. i’m not afraid period. That is important lesson.
i need to let go of the residual fear. Embrace the good lessons. And let the rest go.