And the beat goes on…

Sir Raven had the day off yesterday.  We were both exhausted from the lack of true downtime.  i stayed in my pj’s all day long, my hair up in a bun.  i sort of had my own personal snow day, which was nice.  Today, we are going to some caning thing after work and she trotted a cane out to sit on her loveseat and thrash me for awhile.  She managed to get me on my knees with my ass in the air, and then prostrate in the middle of the livingroom floor by expertly and deliberately hitting my fibro spots, forcing me to move or kill her.  i went with the first option.  🙂  We did not end up in the S/m “sweet spot” of cruelty because she was hungry for dinner.  It works better to get a meal while i can think still and am not walking around with my teeth chattering.  😀

We were invited the other day to do a panel discussion on living 24/7.  We were the only M/s, CNC couple.  The only couple that was not heterosexual.  The only couple with a visible disability.  The only couple where you would be pretty positive that we different races and had a considerable age difference.  We are just oozing with difference.  Yep. 

We are also both introverts so if you want us to have a good experience, sit us down and ask us about the meaning of life.  Deep conversations give us great satisfaction.  Surface conversations exhaust us.

On the D train riding home, Sir Raven told me that we would be talking yesterday about some things that will be changing.  The train was full so she couldn’t say more.  i just nodded.  i have given up trying to guess what in the world she has on her mind.  i have given up going into panic mode, wondering what i did wrong. 

Thankfully, if i’m doing something wrong, she will say so in the moment.  It helps me in so many ways that it defies description. 

So, anyhow, Sir Raven is thinking about our structures and protocols in place.  It pleases her- well, it pleases both of us- how many things occurred organically.  We both think that is important.  She is going to add to some of her written Manifesto (okay, i couldn’t resist)  Expectations, which set the tone for the house.  It’s not a list, though she loves a list, but more of a book of concepts.  It includes things like “the servant will be responsible for providing information to the Master of anything needed to complete a task.”  It includes concepts related to me being responsible to identify ways that i may need to be supported to be my most effective self (emotionally, physically, spiritually).

We have some…i would say “difficulties”….but that isn’t the right word…some challenges due to my sight.  She can’t give hand signals, for example, which is funny because i use some ASL sign with her.  In any event, she is figuring out some specific protocols that can be unobtrusively implemented.  It is harder to be subtle when i can’t see.  We both have a strong appreciation for subtleties and for behaviors that can be done anywhere, anytime.  Which is why, likely, the whole Gorean method of serving doesn’t appeal to Sir Raven.  For one thing, she doesn’t want to wait.  For another, there is an awful lot that would necessitate privacy to accomplish without a lot of attention.

i am pleased that she is giving this thought.  Not so much because i’m wanting more protocols for the sake of having more, but because it assures me she is giving continuous thought to how we can grow together. 

Oh…one interesting thing that came up in the panel discussion was how slaves will tend to take ownership or control of the kitchen.  It makes sense.  i mean, hell, we are in there every day cooking and cleaning.  Sometimes, you really realize the truth of something when you say it out loud:  There is nothing i feel a control over or an ownership over in my life.  Including the kitchen.  She asserts herself there even though i am permitted to decide what i’m cooking most days.  i know i don’t feel any sense of control or ownership because i would often buy things for the kitchen if i felt that way.  i bought a waffle iron once and was unceremoniously sent back to the store to return it.  i had not checked first, for one thing.  So….even in the kitchen….i have no sense of control or ownership.

Everything i do decide starts with the thought, “i’m allowed to…” or “i’m permitted to…”

That is funny, considering how loose i tend to think of the control here at times.  Because i am allowed to do a lot of things, like run errands without asking first unless she is home.  But when i break it down in my head, if the idea starts with “i’m allowed to…” then it is clear that i’m not self-directed or in control.

Because we have done a lot of things organically, i’m not sure if the outcome was something she gave specific thought to or if its just how we are together.  For example, Wednesday evening, Sir Raven was having a glass of chilled white wine while i finished dinner.  i wanted to go out and get more wine because she was off work the next day and may have wanted more than what we had left.  She had me wait, which is common for her, even if the errand i’m running is something she wants.  She will routinely have me ready and waiting a few minutes, not leaving until she tells me to.  i don’t know if she thought that out or if its just what she does, unconsciously inserting the idea that i cannot just leave her presence without a directive from her.

i’d have to say that it is organic but suits her purposes. 

The things she has to put the most thought into are things that are far outside my comfort zone, like public speaking about us.  i’m becoming very comfortable doing this and am surprised.  This is an area she is consciously developing and that i am consciously working on. 

i am also always consciously working on being mindful, being in the moment, and to not get so distracted by disecting my past.  i spent a lot of time, that last year in Florida, working on finding balance and accepting my life without judgement.  i have had some more thinking to do here, at times, because there are just some things that have to be dealt with once you are living with another person.  You can’t do everything alone.  Still, i need to be sensitive to her needs and one of them is to just let the past rest even more.  One way she is going to help me do this is by not having me deal with my mess ups alone anymore.  i go away in my head too much that way and i need work on that.  i sometimes forget that to me, my past is just a puzzle to figure out, and often has very little emotion….but to her, she has feelings about it and its not helpful.  i need to be able to put the puzzle aside.

i feel a sense of relief because i understand what is needed, how she is going to support me when i do not get it right, what to expect, and what to work on.  No matter what the topic, mindfulness is the single most important thing i do.       

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