Last night, Sir Raven and i talked about the changes i have made in regards to needing S/m.
The first piece of work i did was to mentally break it down into categories, reasons i might be needing the pain. For me, they look like this:
1. Pain relief.
The fibro is a bitch and having consistent S/m helps tremendously. When i thought about it, i realized that the tip of resentment i was feeling was only centered on this one factor. It was the equivalent of her having a pain pill when i’m suffering and refusing to give it to me. When i thought about this reason, i discarded it as selfish on my part because she is not responsible for maintaining my body in a state of not living in pain. Objectively, SR has put tremendous efforts into getting me to the doctor to manage this (somewhat) so it is entirely unfair on my part to resent her for something she did not cause.
2. Moderation of my levels of stress, fatigue, and frustration.
This is better handled by being mindful, taking naps, meditation.
3. Maintaining discipline.
True, but hardly my call.
4. Maintaining our closeness, intimacy, spiritual connection.
An utterly valid reason but less exhaustively pressing than the others.
This, out of all of the reasons, is not that important to me. The way we do S/m together, it is entirely likely that i may not be enjoying what is happening in the moment and that is exactly what makes me raw, vulnerable, and…finally…spiritually open to her.
i have done S/m with other people for reasons related mainly to recreational enjoyment. i have no qualms with this practice, it’s honest and relevant. It is just not what drives my need.
i tell Sir Raven that i have begun to distance myself from the need of S/m and have become a bit numb as a result. She appreciates why i have to distance but doesn’t want me numb. i consider this comment carefully, but cannot manage one without the other. i’m not hugely numb or anything.
i want her to beat me because she wants to and needs to. Not because i am incompacitated in pain. Not because she has the day off and i’m feeling desperate. Because she wants to. Needs to.
i point out that since i have given it some thought, that i may have underestimated that She is raw, vulnerable in a sense, to reach the Spiritual place we find together. And she agrees with me. It takes her having the emotional and physical staminia to get there, just as it does for me.
i can certainly understand that she has to have sufficient rest, down-time, and emotional energy to put into what is, for us, a sacred connection.
And it is worthy of that.
It is worthy of me stripping myself down, peeling the layers back, waiting. i don’t want to weigh it down with need, good intentions, or the exhaustion that was coming from the mental aerobics that screamed in my head (“Plead. No, fuck it, beg. No wait, she is tired. Breathe asshole. Stop being selfish, stop being needy. But i need her. i need her more than air. Could it be? Could she be thinkin- no. The phone rang, dammit. Hours have gone by and now She needs to rest, eat. i want her to rest, dream, recharge. But maybe?”). Yeah. See? That shit is exhausting.
Not to mention wondering if she had stopped desiring me, wondering if it was symptomatic of something being wrong in our relationship. This is cultural, in the same way that our culture tells us that infrequent sex means a relationship is Doomed. It’s not relevant here. i should have been trusting that she will take what she needs, when and how she needs it.
And that is exactly what i want, what i need.
If the tradeoff for this is that i do not ask her to beat me anymore, then she will have to find a way to accept this or show me some different way that i don’t know right now.
After five or so weeks of redirecting myself continuously, i feel a lot of relief. i have pared myself down. Taken it upon myself to strip some unneeded or unwanted layers away. i’ll be here, whenever, however. But the need is quiet, still, and calm.