I have a few days off of school and I hardly know what to do with myself, it happens so very rarely. Mostly, one class ends and the next one begins the very next day.
Sir Raven was home for three peaceful days and i’m wishing she was back already. Even if she is doing something else in the bedroom or she is watching television while I cook, I enjoy knowing she is here. There is a tremendous comfort being able to just be near her. We don’t have to be doing anything special for the time to be special.
We talked about the blog, and I asked if I sound like a whiner (!). She doesn’t think so and offered the opinion that this is my process. I surprised her, I think, by pointing out that I write here in the same way that she has a private journal. I used to keep a pen and paper one in childhood but can’t see the point in that now, for a variety of reasons.
I realized something, later, while we were doing art. Sir Raven was showing me a different way of layering and I was feel anxious because I couldn’t see what was going on and had no idea what it should look like if it was done “right”. She was patient with me, moving the stencil and holding it down. Washing out brushes so I can stay still and work. She will even also choose colors for me sometimes or cut out pictures. Other times, I do art more on my own. That is a process too and it helps me work through anxiety.
I realized while I was painting that I may have been misusing a word, associating the masochistic urges with frustration when it might be more correct to say anxiety. Things that are outside of her control make me feel anxious and I well imagine that S/m works for me because it physically demonstrates she is in total control and relieves the underlying anxiety.
Very few things are things I can let myself “let go” into the experience.
Writing is one, especially because of how I practice it. My entries are meant to be something of a snapshot. I don’t edit. I write once and post very deliberately. I tend to spell check, because God knows that can be atrocious, but that is all.
I think that my emotions show through clearly in the written form. When i’m speaking, I have a very expressive face, though only if the emotions are mostly positive. I can say that i’m feeling angry or scared but my face is inscrutable, from what I’ve been told. People tend to downgrade what i’m saying because my face doesn’t match, my energy and inflection doesn’t match, and that is understandable to me that people would go with what they can observe.
It is hard for me to express being dissatisfied or unhappy. I can say the words but that is about it. This led my mother to wonder if I wasn’t actually autistic though she is patently insane and physically abusive. One would think I would consider the source and ignore it.
The DSM has decided to omit Asperger’s as a separate category which has made me think more about it. Some things certainly fit, though if it is a byproduct of not being able to see faces right or being hit for not seeming happy or grateful enough, there is no good way to discern.
What made me think of it at all was reading something about hand flapping, and realizing that I do this often, when i’m anxious about messing something up. It occurs to me that I do it whenever Sir Raven makes me toss something across the room at her because i’m anxious i’ll hit her in the head or something. i do it when i walk into things. i do it.
One thing that I really do love about O/p is that outside information doesn’t really change things. If the world’s leading neurologist said I was autistic, that wouldn’t really make any difference to my life with Sir Raven. It wouldn’t make a difference to her. It wouldn’t change anything, certainly not in the sense of limiting what I can or should do. If I required outside help, she’d make sure I had it, but she has a good and strong notion of who I am and where i’m likely to succeed. She knows how to get what she wants from me. Sir Raven thinks it is a product of abuse that i seem unable to fully express “negative” emotions. i tend to agree, mostly, but i also think that maybe it really doesn’t matter.
Whatever I might have been had I been raised in structure and without abuse, i’ll never know. i keep thinking of how the autistic kids i worked with were not able to function without routines, structures, downtime. Even if that is a part of me, it suits our life that i will respond to structure. It took me a damn long time in life to learn how to do downtime because my downtime was to hole up in my room with fifteen books and devour them. i would reach points that i just couldn’t deal with the outside world and needed to be alone for a while.
i wish i didn’t have to leave the house today, actually. i need to get medicine, do the laundry, and buy some groceries. We are out of coffee, which qualifies as an emergency in my mind. Sir Raven let me have an extra cup while she was home. It is truly funny to me how enjoyable little things can become. i tease her that i am drinking pots of coffee all day but i dare not. So it was a welcome thing to get to make myself a special cup in the afternoon after we took a brief walk to find a shady Summer spot to make art by the gardens. We would just go to the gardens but we can’t drink wine there. 🙂
It took me a few days, but i responded to the letter from my lawyer’s secretary about the social security situation. Every time i think about that, i literally feel like i could throw up. Not to mention, various and sundry people from my past all started emailing me within a few days of each other for no apparent reason. Sir Raven is helping me with learning how to tell people to not bother me, but to do it in a way that is not mean because that feels wrong to me. i think she might understand, at this point, that it fills me with anxiety to respond. i don’t know how to do anything besides ignore people or “walk out like a lady” and not embarrass anyone. i don’t know how to be direct and blunt, in a sense. i can do it, but i have to not feel anything to do that. No matter what the situation is, it seems to me like it’s my obligation to be kind. i try to look at the total picture and feel some compassion for everyone as long as people did the best they could in that space.
Very often, i can see situations from a variety of perspectives and can feel different ways depending on whose perspective i am taking. i take my own perspective(s) last, after considering everyone else. Not to mention, i may think in a way that is very different from how i feel. i become flustered and i recognize that i need help.
i won’t often say that something is beyond my capacity but going back in front of a judge who wants to put me on trial might be something i can’t do again. i keep trying to picture the whole thing and i just can’t. i pick it up like a rubic cube or a puzzle and then have to set it aside again.
i will say though that I’ve managed myself pretty well on putting aside the S/m need. I’ve surprised myself, in a good way. Sir calling, people from past relationships emailing, the judge who was actively combatant towards me, all within a few days-is a lot to me.
It was very welcomed to have help putting these things aside, to focus on Sir Raven being home, finishing my class, and art. She really is very good for me. Steadfast, strong, calm, loyal. Interdependence can be a good thing, a great thing, and i’m thankful for a Master who takes care of me even though she could get her own needs met without doing so.