i’m alive :)

Some things are changing here and while they are good, it hasn’t been without some growing pains.

Mostly because if something isn’t going smoothly, i turn it inward, feel i have to strip search myself for errors, accept all of the responsibility for fixing it.

It’s silly and i know that in my head.  i do.

i had a really hard time moving past that place because i couldn’t write about the changes taking place.  It wasn’t encouraged, i’ll put it that way.  So, i was just stuck inside of my head for awhile.

Normally, if one area of my life is having issues, i can look at other areas for growth and goodness. These last few weeks, well, it felt like i couldn’t see anything but how i was failing all over the place.

The Math class is in it’s last week and though its taken me ten times longer than the other students, i have about a low A score, overall.  The tests have been cumulative and bi-weekly, which is about the worst recipe for disaster for my LD brain.  That has taken up oodles of time and energy but i’ve almost survived it.  The saving grace has been that the tests can be taken three times, and the highest grade is recorded.  Nonetheless, it was a major hit to me to study all week and then get the first test score back that showed me flunking the material because too many kinds of problems were going on at the same time.  

Physically, i’m at the end of my rope.  i’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  After seven months, i’m about at the end of my capacity to put on a happy face and get on with it.  The days that are miserable seem to outweigh the good ones.  It’s like i have a good day (which i measure by accomplishments, not my level of pain) and then get paybacks for two days.

i’ve had major medical worries because i’m at the end of my supply of neurontin as well.  

i’ve had paperwork come in en masse, all medical related, and major stress because it directly effects money if it isn’t done.  

Then there were some communication break downs, largely because i can’t see faces and misunderstood the underlying messages and internalized the negative feedback i was getting.  

Oh, yes, and the bathroom ceiling started coming down in the middle of the night.

And we weren’t sleeping hardly for days at a time.

All in all, it was a bit much.

Bit by bit, it’s getting better.  

i have a doctor’s appointment for Thursday and i’m hopeful that it goes well and i get everything i need taken care of.  



i’m also hoping that the various bruises on my body remain unseen while i’m at the doctors. (sheepish grin).

In the middle of all of that chaos, we had some good times.
Some very, very good times.

i am beyond thankful that Sir Raven beat me a few times in the midst of life being stressful for both of us.

She also planned a picnic for Pride, complete with two trips to Botanical Gardens and a picnic basket. i was really moved by this gesture. She did it as a total surprise and went far out of her way to make pride special for us. i also appreciate the hour or two she spent agonizing over Pride Routes, trying to figure out some way to accommodate what everyone needed to have a good day. Being shoved in between barricades and people jostling my body in high heat and high humidity with zero chance of shade just wouldn’t work for any of us.

So, the pride picnic happened instead. It was really lovely.

Oh, and, i had a birthday so maybe i’m another year wiser. This year, i didn’t make a wish except to have another year that is as incredible as this one has been. i truly have everything i ever wanted in life, at the same time, except for health. And we are working on that so it may even out soon. i’d appreciate any positive energy possible being directly at my medical care and paperwork being taken care of in the way i need it done.

i’ll be writing more soon, hopefully. 🙂


2 thoughts on “i’m alive :)

  1. sirqsmlb says:

    I’m glad you are well…you were quite for a while! I spent a large chunk of my life with a visually impaired person and it can add to the multitude of intricacies of communication. I will certainly send positive energies for your health…but most of all



  2. jadescastle says:


    (grins) Thanks. 😀


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