Better

So, some of the stress and pressure is easing up a bit.  

After two days of the house looking like a construction zone, the falling down bathroom ceiling is finally fixed.  On the way out, the guy took a dirty mop, which had been used to clean up the mess the ceiling kept making for two weeks, and sort of smeared the cement around on the floor.  

Poor Sir Raven was happy to see a man with a mop in his hands and not be expecting some kind of fantasy to take place afterwards.

i was scrubbing his boot prints, drywall dust, and paint splatter for a few hours but it looks like a home again and…after two weeks…we have a working shower!!  🙂

Sir Raven helped me put the house back in some semblance of order, cleaning and rehanging the shower curtain, and putting the bathroom supplies back in the bathroom.  She didn’t have to do anything, of course, and it makes me grateful that she did help out.  Afterwards, i poured her a glass of wine to celebrate her shower.  

It’s been stressful, not being able to cool off after long hot days here.  It’s been stressful not knowing when it would get fixed.  

My Math class is over and i’m onto a new class.  That was stressing us too.  Sir Raven had to read an entire chapter to me and i know it stressed her that i was being tested on materials i couldn’t see.  

We are not great when things are out of her control.  We just aren’t (shrugs).

Now that i have some medicine, i can see how much pain was a constant source of stress and fear for me.  i have been a bit closed off at times from trying to manage it but couldn’t really see that til now.  i had thought that Sir Raven couldn’t differentiate between me just being quiet for her and me being quiet from shutting down because i don’t want her to have to deal with this part of me.

Now that i don’t have to be so worried because there is something i can do about it when the pain becomes too much, i can see that i was shutting down emotionally.

i have my trip planned to Florida to take care of what i need to do.  i don’t want to go, don’t want to be away from Sir Raven, but it’s just what i have to do.  i’ll get through it.  i’m trying to focus on the good of the situation, be logical about it, remind myself that it will just be three days.  i’m breathing through it.  i’m hoping that once that is over, that the pressure on Sir Raven will come down some more as well.

i can be her confidant, helper, and supporter but i can’t do much to alter her stress levels other than obey and try to be cheerful.  i think that things have happened outside of her control in the house have had a bad impact because this is her space where she can control everything.  i feel badly that some of the stress has been directly about me: medicine, doctors, paperwork, and now a trip that requires we be apart to deal with some of it.  It’s been a lot.  

i am looking forward to everything getting back to normal and feeling that i can be pleasing to my Master again.

When life gets stressful, we count on our dynamic even more, we depend on it more.  This is why we roll our eyes when people say that life “gets in the way of the dynamic.”  It might get in the way of S/m, and for us life does, but our dynamic stays in place regardless of what life throws our way.

Even when it is a time of struggle, i depend on her control and our way of life together.  i can honestly say that i am happier overall than i’ve ever been.  i’m also grateful for the collar i live in because it reminds me that she finds me worthy to be hers and to serve her, even when i’m not feeling the best about myself.  My place is secure because of my honest efforts to obey, submit, give, and accept what is, rather than the outcome of every moment.  The collar is a reminder that we both know that i know my place.  Every time Sir Raven asserts that about me, i feel a rush of humility and pride.  

i genuinely adore her and i won’t ever forget how lucky i am that she took a chance on me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s