Miles

1,130 miles separate us right now.

i curse all of them.

i keep thinking of you coming home to a house without lit candles, of the long line of your body leaned back on your chair.  i keep thinking of the collar next to you, deprived of my throat.  Security checkers might not understand here, under the hazy sky.

i don’t feel like i’m at home in the place of my girlhood.  The light is too bright, the sky too full of white clouds, the grass too green.  

No buildings that make me smile, and no smell of home, no altars, and no you.

This is the place where we birthed us.  Slowly.  Every word measured, giving way to cautious joy.

i held my breathe, waited, wanted.  i told you my secrets and imagined the girl that was you, climbing trees and kissing girls in forbidden places.

The first time we slept in the same bed, i prayed you would touch me, and when you did, i felt like i could breathe again.  Just your hand on my back, strong and steady.

That is you.

Strong. Steady.

Under the Florida sun, i woke up without you, and felt a sudden sadness.  It feels like a part of me is missing, waiting.  i’m thinking, hoping both that you are well and that a part of you feels lost.  Like me.  Adrift at sea.  

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You are home.  To me.  

i know this had to be done, this trip, and also facing what it feels like to be not by your side.

The collar is empty, next to you, and i wonder if your long fingers have touched it and felt me inside of that metal.  Felt my love, my sweat, my adoration, me.  Touch it.  That is where i live.

All else is blasphemy.

i need you to want me home, to need my silly jokes and my unabashed joy when you come home, grabbing your cap and wrapping my arms around you, crushing your lips.  It’s never a delicate homecoming.  

But it’s real.

Strong and Steady.

i need you.  

i’ve always needed you, even if it doesn’t sound strong to my ears to need someone, need them in ways we don’t have words for.

You are everything that matters to me.

i can’t wait to come home, to cross the distance that divides us, to be at your feet again, where my life began.  

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