Try, try, try…

So, I wrote that post out laboriously yesterday, trying to strike a balance in myself and my words.  After several hours meditating on it, I realized with some humility, that I was expecting my intent to carry more weight that she thought it deserved.

And then i had one of those moments, which don’t happen too often thankfully, where I had to remind myself that I signed up for this.  You can’t very well say, “These are the things that you should value because I do” and have the right attitude at the same time.  Or, I can’t.

I think I’m trying to juggle too many things at the same time, trying to find some sort of balance, and not doing well.

My last class is a great example.  I lost nearly twenty points off of one paper because I couldn’t pull it together to get it done.  I was driven to distraction before the Florida trip, and once I came home there was an issue with the school system.  If I had turned it in on time, I wouldn’t had been dealing with the blackboard system being down, increasing the delay.  

I also had a hard time with the tests and between those two things, if I make an “A”, it will be within the slightest of margins.  

It’s not just about the grade, it was about lacking the where-with-all to make myself get it done.  I just couldn’t.  I don’t know what to say about that.  I know that I’ve driven real close to the line and stuck my toe over, and I don’t mean just about the grade itself.  

Granted, I was a straight A student before I came here, but I very often was turning in assignments at the 11th hour.  I would stay up all night and work some days.  Part of it was putting other people and other demands first.  Part of it was having a very unstructured life and seeing nothing incorrect about that.  I didn’t eat normally, sleep normally.

Here, when one thing is out of line, everything is.

Yesterday, I spent hours going over through the next part of my educational goals.  I have been doing graduate work for the bulk of two years, because a program was offered which was slated to be CACREP certified.  It didn’t get the certification, so while all of my work is going to be accepted just fine, it won’t be counted for anything much for the Master’s degree in Mental Health counseling which is certified.  The loans, financial aid, advising, and getting registered for the rest of these classes had to be dealt with.  By the end of the day, I was ready to cry.  

Exhausted, I showered and zoned out for an hour til Sir Raven got home.  We didn’t end up talking about any of it til we were going to sleep.  I had nightmares all night, violent images of being shot at inside the apartment.  In the dream, Sir Raven let my mother come inside and I felt very betrayed by what I saw as a disloyal and dangerous act.  After all, my mother probably was the person shooting the place up.  I woke several times, drenched in sweat, fevered.  

Today, I’m feeling tired and emotional.

 

Advertisements

Communicate

The advise given continuously for making a power dynamic work is to communicate, communicate, communicate.

You have a problem?  The first question will always be, “Did you talk to your Master?”

It sounds easy, right?

Well, it’s just not.  Not for me.  Not anymore.

One thing i thought we had going for us was good communication, facilitated largely by transparency on both of our parts.  What I have observed is that the transparency may have worked a little differently for both of us but the main difference was only that she could decide to discuss something later and I could not.  

Since I thrive on structure and understanding, I was generally told something to the effect of, “There are things bothering me and I’m thinking about them.  They have nothing to do with you but I’m not ready to talk about it just now.  We will talk on Friday.”  

That I can deal with really well.  I don’t ask anything else because I understand that people have to have privacy sometimes.  That is human, after all.  When I heard things like that, I felt protective over her time to chill out, undisturbed.  I made sure she had extra space, extra alone time.  

In the absence of any meaningful communication, I do tend to think the issue or problem or whatever is me or something to do with the relationship.  In any event, yeah, I think it’s my job to make home a happy, peaceful, pleasant place to be.  I can’t make a person happy but I can add to it, I can help solve problems, I can provide what is needed if I know what that thing is.

Lately, as in the few months, deep communication is treated like a particularly dreadful chore.  And it is exhausting for me to try and do mental gymnastics to figure out when or if to talk about anything.  You see a person who seems exhausted most of the time, you don’t exactly want to open up.  Her exhaustion makes me feel like i’m failing somehow and i’m finding it harder to really talk.

We used to spend Saturday nights talking but that gave way for other priorities.  Somewhere along the line of my life, I figured it was one of the jobs of a slave to understand that they aren’t the priority.  If your Master says five words to you and routinely spends hours on the phone with others, you just accept it and hope that they had a nice chat.  No big deal.

I know when it comes to my health and overall well being, I am her first priority.  

That’s not the same thing as being her first priority in other ways.  I come somewhere behind work, down-time, other relationships, spiritual obligations, and MAsT work.  

Sometimes, that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to just talk or spend time together.  We actually spent more time talking when we weren’t living together.  That suited things fine, until some things changed, because we had never talked in depth about them (poly).  I couldn’t anticipate her goals, needs, and motivations anymore.

Now, we are at this weird place, where we have a conversation and I think we have reached an understanding and find out later that we didn’t have it.  I expect, and perhaps this is my major error, to be judged based off of my intent rather than the outcome.  It feels really bad to me to be dealing with anger and disappointment, when I think I clearly tried to do what I thought was wanted.  

We did talk about starting another place to write.  I followed the three things that she said mattered to her but I jumped the gun when I set the blog up.  The biggest thing I can’t understand, for the life of me, is why she wouldn’t have said something to me about not wanting me to do that when I asked questions making she had full access, etc.  

Where did the transparency go?

I found out when I read the blog entry.  While I might have discussed some pretty private things here, I don’t think there was ever anything she read that was a total surprise to her.  I think, occasionally, she was surprised at how much I was feeling about something but not totally blindsided.  

It’s good that she wrote.  I’m always happy when she writes, no matter what it is. There has only been one exception to that, and it wasn’t her last entry.

So, anyhow, we tried to talk about the new blog.  I have said over the last few months that I was having a hard time censoring out stuff about poly.  There seems to be an unspoken time table in her head for resolving things, I just don’t know what that time table is anymore.  That is a huge hurdle to me.   It is one thing that I’m having a very hard time accepting.  It was not that way before, for the most part, and even if I needed to wait months for something, I knew there was an end-date in sight and could deal with that.

So, to me, it seems like months of time has gone by and I wonder how much time should go by for a person to be stuffing their emotions?

Did I hit the “five alarm bell”?  No.  

I thought it would be obvious that I’d need the ability to sort through complex emotions somehow, that anyone who knows me at all would know this, especially as I pointed out that it was a problem for me many times.  I don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader, but to consider that even though I’m saying something lightly and calmly, that doesn’t denote that it isn’t a real problem for me.

So, clearly, I failed at communicating how much of a problem this was.  There are times I think, “If you know me at all, you would know this…”  

What I feel is misjudged and misunderstood.  At the same time, I feel really badly that I did something that made her feel resentful.  I do.  It just doesn’t come out splendidly while I’m feeling misjudged.  If my intentions are understood, and they were in line with what I understood was wanted, then I have a nearly impossible time getting it to stick that the outcome matters more.  

My mind just doesn’t work that way.  I’m trying, God knows I am, to distance myself from thinking intent matters more than outcome.  

Everyone has to judge somehow.  I use intent over outcome.  She uses outcome over intent.  It’s incongruous.  Especially since now, there are times I don’t understand her intent and barring that, have a damn hard time making the outcome that is wanted.  It seems that I am unable to separate those things out.  

I think that is part of why when she asks me what I think a poly relationship “should look like” my mind is totally blank.  I understand things in terms of how they feel.  I know how I want things to feel, not what I would want a structure to look like.  I was never the architect of my own life, in some meaningful ways.  

I lived taking care of others over myself, and my ideas of what looked right was based on their ideas.  I knew what things felt like and had more ideas about that than what I wanted my life and relationships to look like.  Hell, even when I have designed rooms, each one was different from the next.  There isn’t one style that I had to have, it largely depended on the furnishings and art seeming to fit the feeling of that house.

When something didn’t work, it was based on that the furniture didn’t fit the feel of the space, rather than something literal and obvious like the bed being too large.  

It’s better to ask me what I need over what I want.  It’s better to ask me what I need things to feel like.  I can give better answers to those questions.  Ultimately, my answer to what I need will always hinge on harmony, and ways to increase feelings of peace and harmony, as well as the sense of being on the same page.  I have never found peace or harmony to exist when people had different ideas on what they expected for an outcome. 

I suppose this is the part of me that is an INFJ rather than the INTJ that she is.  🙂

I think I am sooo INFJ that it is just about scary.  I do indeed place a value on my intuition and refuse to compromise my ideals.  I really take it to heart when things feel “off” and when there is conflict.  I can’t always intellectualize my way out of life, because a part of my true nature will always be based on my feeling-intuitive nature as well.  I want those things to be respected and understood, because I respect those things in myself.  Note what a small percentage of the population shares this personality type, and you’ll understand why communication seems to be a real bitch for us.  Seriously.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

Sunday

Before  the girl and I got together she asked me to promise not to feel like I had to treat her differently because of her fybro. I could not make that promise because I think it’s a bit un-fair to ask someone to promise them something. I’m not a magic 8 ball, I don’t know the future.  What I can promise it to do the best I can as the time that I can do. Will I make mistakes? Yep. Will I feel frustrated? Yep. Will I not want to talk every detail down to its minuet detail? Yep. I’m human, just like her. I never pray for patience because that would be tempting the faiths to put situations in my path to work on patience, I’d much rather have a life that unfold the way it does. And life has me working on being more patience, along with all that happens in life.

On a side note there are some things I’ve learned from other masters:

1. Never make a rule for you slave; you are not going to follow up on

2. Never give a command you are not will to accept the outcome and

3. Never enforce a punishment that you can’t live with

All of these will affect you, and if you’re not willing to be effected in any of the ways you’ve mastermind, don’t put it in place. Or at the very least be willing to admit it’s not working and think of something else.

To that end I’ve learned that slaves are by nature willing to please. Here,she writes what she needs to and I never sensor her, but of late it read to me like she was holding back. I made mention that I wanted to find a way for to write without holding back which I was thinking she was doing a bit. I was thinking of several options. One was to letting her write what she needed to here, after all the reason for this is to have a place where the good the bad and the ugly can be shared. In a way,it didn’t matter to me who reads this blog, (although I do consider the anonymity of others). It’s about having something else on the internet that is not fantasy and sex, and that’s not heterosexual.  This is real life people. And at times real life hurts, and not in a good way. So the girl created a space for her to write by invitation only then asked me several times if I got the email that would allow me access. For me a large part of mastery and slavery is about control. As you can guess by now that her setting up something for herself on one level is not a bad thing, but as she did it before I could get back to her about what I had in mind, well there’s the problem.  Because of her willfulness and not waiting, I have to now make a decision. My problem since now, I have to decide what to do. Do I let her keep this private space to write? Do I have her keep it up until I come up with something different? Do I have her take it down? I could just turn my head and act like it’s not there, but that would not do our dynamic any good, it serves the girl and not the dynamic.

Today’s theme song

Brain Overload

I have a huge list of things that must get done today, one of which is a past-due research paper.  It may seem counter-intuitive to take time here to write, but i need to clear my mind so i can focus on the paper.

The last two days were exceptionally difficult.  Yesterday, i was in bed all day, and that has not happened in months.  The only way i can explain it is that literally my bones hurt.  i had thought i’d lay down for an hour, and listen to some work.  Obviously, at some point i moved my bag with my medicine in it, hanging it off the side of the bed.  That seems logical enough except i went looking for my bag where i normally keep it, couldn’t remember bringing it to the bed, and couldn’t find it.  Sir Raven spotted it immediately when she came home from work and just chuckled.

i couldn’t even shower until she was home and i had medicine.  The water would have been too painful and being able to sit in the tub wasn’t going to happen either without medicine.  i put dinner in the oven and showered, feeling semi-human if apologetic for my lackluster day.

Sir Raven was surprised because of how long it had been since i had a super bad day.  i normally can push through.  And now i’m two days behind in work and chores because the days before i was sort of limping through it, mentally and physically.

Today, she expects i get my work done and my mind is disheveled and distracted.

i settled for starting on the house chores and finally thought to take some extra medicine.  i’ve been trying to ration it out some.

In other news, I’ve been working on some things that are new.  One of them is a slave journal, because Sir Raven is a fan of the practice.  I have had a very hard time in the last few months, because I have had to edit myself.  I don’t like how that feels.  It seems disingenuous.  I have gone to great lengths here to be very open and honest about myself, and to a great extent, honest about our journey as Master and slave.

Sir Raven would call this practice, “putting it in the light,” meaning that I don’t seek to hide my errors or who I really am.  i have cringed here and there about my short-comings but have been dutiful about not misrepresenting myself.  In anything, I am more agreeable than the written page would suggest.  I come here to unburden myself, to find the strength, courage, and confidence in the doing that is our blog (and life’s) motto.  

When I met Sir Raven, she made certain I understood that she was an educator in the scene and that I would be expected to participate.  It is a rule, in fact, that I speak at MaST.  I have participated in several panels.  I participate in “Owners and Property” on fet.  I reach out to other slaves when they need support and have accepted support in return.  

This blog is an extension of those things, for me.  Because it is so very rare that anyone talks about M/s in real time, focused on real life, and not just about fucking and beatings.  Those things are wonderful, and I need it, but it isn’t what keeps me here.

From my standpoint, my writing is recording our journey, so we might have an ongoing ability to see how we have evolved.  It is no less important than sitting on a panel.  

Sir Raven has said that anyone she would be with must accept this part of her, and I frankly feel the same way about my writing.

However, the Marine does not wish to be written about, and so huge chunks of my life are now silenced.

To me, that has been a big struggle because it took away the one way I un self-consciously reach out to the world, and have been blessed to have some lovely people reach back to me.

Granted, yes, there are people who know us in real life, who also read here.  They think no less of me for my writing about good days or bad.  That is what friends are to me, people who love me knowing exactly who I am, as I do the same for them.

I value each response I have gotten here, along this journey, and will continue to do so.  It is because of that sentiment, that I thought I should offer an explanation for why my writing has been less.  It is really hard for me to write, when I know I need to process something out, and find that I can’t do it.  It’s hard to separate it out, and it’s been very frustrating to me.

To be honest, it seems somewhat unfair.  Sir Raven writes in an actual book, and that works for her.  It won’t work for me because I wouldn’t be able to read it back and I enjoy feeling like I’m not writing to myself but rather releasing it into the arms of friends or people who may need encouragement in the future.

It is what it is.  It seems that the slave journal may help.     

Now my writing break is over, and hopefully I can get some work on my research paper completed.   

Ms. Abernathy Explains…

I thought I might post the book discussion questions/comments and book sections I created for our book discussion.  I always over-prepare.  You know how many questions we got to in two hours?  Three.  We got stuck on the idea of mindfulness and what that actually means.  

If you haven’t read Ms. Abernathy’s book, you may want to consider it.  Everyone but one person felt it was an excellent primer but also offered reflection points for experienced slaves and Masters.  As a side note, there are slave workbook questions and there isn’t a question in there that I did not ask of Sir Raven, prior to entering into our Master/slave relationship.  There is no reason, in our minds, why the questions would not be equally useful to both partners. 

http://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Slavehood-Miss-Abernathy-Omnibus/dp/1890159719

I have referenced the book in italics, unfortunately we learned the provided page numbers won’t match up because i have to enlarge the book so much that the numbers are way, way off.  Sorry about that. 🙂

“All slaves – and dominants, too, for that matter – should cultivate an attitude of mindfulness.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 185-186). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

  1.  How important is an attitude of mindfulness?  For Masters?  For slaves?

“For the slave, it is dharma yoga, the pursuit of one’s true vocation, that is the path to mindfulness. A slave’s mindfulness should encompass her physical body, her mental awareness, her emotional state and, insofar as it is possible, the physical, mental, and emotional state of the dominant.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 189-190). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

  1. Does frustrations resulting from not continuously be capable of producing mindfulness the true culprit behind the constant fetlife questions that revolve around “having a slave mindset” or “a slave heart” or “headspace” or “role”?  Are all of these questions really about not developing mindfulness (which is a skill set)?

Early in the book, Ms. Abernathy notes,

“Experienced slaves do often develop a sort of sixth sense, the ability to anticipate the dominant’s needs before he verbalizes them.”

Towards the end, she explains, “As a slave, you do not give up your will. You learn to attune it to another person’s, until the two are as one. This is the real source of that “second sense” that some experienced slaves have: they know their Owners so well that they experience the Owners’ needs and desires as their own. In a sense, then, rather than giving up responsibility, a slave becomes doubly accountable.”

  1.  Do we agree with this idea?  The fantasy, of course, is that slaves give up responsibility.  The reality may be that we accept the responsibility for attuning our wills to match our Masters will and actively absorb their value system.  A lot of the work of “experiencing the Owners needs and desires as our own” is internal, deliberate, mindful work.  To me, everything else I do stems from this main task, having internalized her needs and wants as my own.  When something occurs that does not match up, it is infrequent, and intensely disturbing to me.  How typical is that experience?   

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 4282). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“It is a sad fact that many submissives, so adept at caring for others, neglect their own well-being.”

  1. Ms. Abernathy suggests that trainers should teach good self-care skills and that the responsibility for self-care is of ongoing importance.  How often is good self-care skills stressed in your M/s relationship?  Whose responsibility is it to ensure the slave is caring for themselves?

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 275-276). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“Nothing is more disappointing to a submissive than an inattentive dominant.”

  1. This comment received more highlights on the kindle edition that almost any other reference in the book.  How important is it that our Master’s are attentive?  What are we looking for that informs us that they are being attentive?

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 295-296). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“Physical discipline may prove useful for slaves who are physically and psychically able to withstand it.”

  1. Can an M/s relationship exist without discipline?
  2. Ms. Abernathy asks slaves-in-training several questions that relate to childhood feelings about being punished.  Is this important to consider?  Does childhood experiences of punishment factor in to an M/s dynamic?
  3. The quote above makes it seem like the slaves ability to withstand are going to determine discipline and punishments.  It struck me as backward thinking.  Thoughts?

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 447-448). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“Slaves prove their love and devotion at every turn, in the small acts of service that make up their day, but loyalty in times of trouble is the best measure of a slave’s devotion.”

  1.  This might be my favorite quote in the book.  When life gives us trouble, any hint of fantasy is removed, and you learn what you have in each other.  I think that “loyalty in times of trouble” show the devotion of a Master as well.  While my Master may not be devoted to me as a woman, she is devoted to the dynamic.  Should a slave actively consider the loyalty of any Master they might accept the collar from?

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 559). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“Group scenes do bring up the matter of jealousy, and it would be unwise to ignore it. Dominant/submissive relationships are by definition possessive, and it is not uncommon for a dominant to resent the attention his slave pays to another dominant (even if it has been negotiated) or for a slave to feel wounded at the sight of “her” dominant with another).”

  1.  Do we agree that D/s relationship “are by definition possessive”?
  2.  What would motivate a Master to set up a situation for their slave to pay attention to someone else if they are going to feel resentful?  What would some purposes be for going ahead with group scenes, loaning a slave out, or developing poly relationships anyhow?

 

 

“A dominant must be both teacher and student, able to learn from her peers and from her slaves.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 707-708). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  What are some things Masters have learned from their slaves? 

“The key aspect of a mistress or master is authority, and especially authority based on personal achievement.”

  1.  What are some examples of authority based on personal achievement?

 

“Another role is that of the trainer. Trainers often model themselves after athletic, military, or animal trainers; they are often primarily concerned with performance. The trainer is the natural complement to the pet; a butler in the middle position of supervising other slaves may also act as a trainer.”

  1.  Here, the role of trainer is defined as primarily concerned with performance rather than on personal achievement.  What are some differences that arise between a primary motivator of the owner being “personal achievement” and “performance”?  Are those separate goals?  Why or why not?

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 746). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

“Love and acceptance are the basis of such a union. A submissive should be first and foremost a trusted companion to the dominant. Obedience, which often stands firmly at the center of any spoken or written contract between a dominant and a slave, grows out of the trust established by love.”

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 787-788). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

  1.  Does obedience grow out of love?  It sounds like Ms. Abernathy is suggesting that love begets trust.  Then, Trust develops into obedience.  How accurate is that in your relationship?  Was love, friendship, trust, honor, or obedience stated goals for your relationship?

 

 

“Courtesy is, at base, a matter of respect. If we respect another person’s time, personal space, and rights, then we will naturally act in a way that expresses that respect.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 818). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  Do we agree with this?  I find it very to communicate about things that are about respecting time, personal space, etc. because they are often subtly manipulated and tested rather than overt, belligerent gestures.  Does someone touching you (or insisting you hug) after you have said you do not want that communicate a lack of respect for the slave?  How about for the slaves Owner?

 

“We must, in all humility, respect our own needs for food, rest, privacy, recreation and the like. It is a discourtesy to others to be discourteous to oneself, in that denying our own human needs makes us all the more likely to disappoint our friend by being incapable or exhausted.”

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 823-824). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

  1.  Should this advice go for Master’s as well?  They are often not wanting to let anyone down any more than a slave, but if they become incapable and exhausted, what happens to the relationship?

 

 

“There are three models for a live-in relationship: marital, dependent, and employee.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 945). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  What are some thoughts about these models?  Does your relationship fit one of these?

 

 

“People change more quickly than contracts, so it is inadvisable to sign a contract for more than a year at a time.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 1004-1005). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  Does anyone use contracts?  Has anyone had experience with the concept of a “lifetime” contract?  It sounds as if a yearly renegotiation will be taking place if a new contract is done each year.  Is this correct?

 

 

One way of expressing submission is through specific acts of service performed for the benefit or pleasure of a dominant. In performing these acts of devotion for another, submissives also serve their own deepest desires and highest purpose. In short, service is their vocation.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 1158-1159). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  I am overjoyed to not hear about acts of slavery and service related to sexual reward or genital stimulation.  A vocation is something which should be treated with respect, by all parties.  Relating service to a sex act alone cheapens what is, for some, a higher purpose and calling.   Is the attitude that slaves are disposable a result of not having an inherent respect for the condition of slavery and service as a vocation?

 

 

“The thrill the dominant experiences is directly proportional to the submissive’s effort and dedicationNo matter how technically correct the execution of a task may be, without the inner sense of earnest dedication a submissive brings to the work, the result is worthless.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 1168). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  As much as Master’s say things like, “I don’t care how it is done, I just want the glass of water,” one would think that this statement would not be too accurate.  However, it seems to not be a matter of form over function in this case.  Is the “inner sense of dedication” a meaningful part of any task?

 

 

“For a slave, speech is a privilege, not a right.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 1711). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  Do Owners and slaves agree or disagree with this statement?

 

“At its best, sex work can become a spiritual calling, a vocation in the highest sense. Sex workers are healers and priestesses.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 2400). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  Does viewing sex as a service change it’s relative importance?  Does sex heal?

 

 

“Physical intimacy is often equated with vulnerability in our sexual economy.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Locations 2415-2416). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  We don’t often openly consider that Owners may experience vulnerability with sex.  However, if we live in a culture that treats sex as a vulnerable act, then we are all effected by this.  How can slaves ensure this is a safe space for Owners?

 

 

“The term “class” more properly refers to a complex set of beliefs, feelings, and assumptions that influence how we function socially.  Generally you will need to appear as his or her social equal and so you should strive to match your public presentation (dress style, tone of speech, etc.) to the dominant’s.”

 

Abernathy, Christina (2011-08-01). Erotic Slavehood (Kindle Location 3871). SCB Distributors. Kindle Edition.

 

  1.  Though Ms. Abernathy is speaking of the role of the Escort, in most M/s relationships, all slaves function in this capacity.  To what extent did you discuss class backgrounds and differences?  Do slaves try to match the social status of the Master?  Given that the rules of class are often hidden, how important is it to discuss class backgrounds?

 

The intersection of spirituality and TTWD

Sir Raven and i went to listen to a panel discussion on faith, spirituality, religion, and kink.

i find it is highly relevant to examine the question: 

Where are you going, and where have you been?

The formative experience of being Catholic has had a strong influence on my expression of S/m, on how i look at myself and my relationship.  Though it has been many years since i was a “good Catholic,” it has also been years since it caused me great pain to no longer take part in the Mass.

i do attribute to Catholicism my need to act out penance, punishment, and redemption in concrete ways.  Try as i might to separate these needs from my Self, the need simply returns with greater urgency, greater strength.

One person on the panel mentioned that he felt the greatest punishment he could give was to withdraw all attention, that even a whipping given in anger keeps the Master and slave connected.  For me, i know that the opposite of love is not hate.  It’s indifference.  

Total Withdraw feels profoundly indifferent to me and i internalize this as not being loved, which should never be used a punishment as this practice erodes trust.  That stands in stark contrast to physically being punished because that is trust-building to me.  It informs me that i can trust my Master with the worst parts of me as well as the best, that i am good enough to receive redemption, that i am worthy enough to not spend time dwelling on what i have done wrong and getting lost in self recrimination.  Because i will get lost.  Every time.  Unless i know there is a true beginning and ending, i find the Catholic-laced guilt of not being a “good girl” too much to bare, and it erodes me.

i am a good girl.  Yep.  i am all of the things i was taught a good girl should be, and it is a major influence on my life and choices.  

There are as of late, with an addition, much joking about who is good and who is bad.  i am finding myself somewhat desensitized to it, to these words, these ideas.  At the same time, i wonder what it means to my inner child to constantly hear that i am not good.   

From Paganism, i learned to embrace the Goddess inside of me, to cease the hatred of my body, because in it lies the eternal wisdom of the Goddess.  If She is truth, wisdom, intrigue, sensuality, and strength then i am the physical embodiment of these things.  My full hips, thick thighs, large breasts….they delight the Goddess.  When she merges with me, my body feels at home.  I am wisdom, beauty, and grace, so long as i remember to embrace myself with the strength that i embrace others.

I am comfortable acting as Sir Raven’s muse, vessel, altar, whore.  

This day, i embrace each part of me and meditate on manifesting our deepest desires as one, once again.

Edge Play

The Marine and i went without Sir Raven to see Raven Kaldera and Joshua’s presentation on Edge play.  It was really excellent, for a number of reasons.  What stood out, to me, was some things Raven K said about his relationship and the value of edge play in it.

He said that he could be a Daddy, but not what people think about when they hear that word.  He said he could be the Daddy of your nightmares.  The moment he said that, I grinned, and wished Sir Raven was there with us and not at her Mentor’s fiftieth birthday party.  

Raven K talked about having his own issues from childhood and it being highly important for him to be able to pull those things out-and put them away- on his own terms.  That he needed to trust Joshua more than any other human being to be able to do that and that he relied on Joshua to look him in the eyes later and tell him he is a good man.

i needed to hear that because Sir Raven and i consciously play with dark things together.  It is a byproduct of trusting her in a way i never trusted anyone else.  i crave what we call her “Bad Daddy.”  And i crave wrapping my arms around her the next morning and being the one person she trusts will tell her the truth, that she is a good man.  Every time we go to that dark place, i truly love her more.  

i love her more because she is trusting me with the gift of seeing her, all parts of her, even the Daddy born of nightmares.  That part of her is less concerned if i can get up and fix a meal afterwards.  It’s playing without that safety net, the one normally present that makes sure i won’t be too far gone to pour the wine.  Bad Daddy would just shrug and fix his own damn sandwich.  

It is a comfort in life, for a person to see you as you are and not flinch.

She doesn’t shrink away from seeing me in a ball, pleading, sobbing.  i love her for that.  She isn’t afraid of me.  i can’t do anything to make her stop, which is exactly what i need in the first place.  i love that i can be legitimately afraid in the moment of what is happening or will happen, but never afraid of the person.  

i love that it isn’t held against me that i’m a person who needs that fear in the back of my mind.  In the midst of my perfectionism bullshit going on, wanting to not forget anything important for her day, wanting it to be just right, she picked up her strap.  She was just setting her laptop back down in front of it, where it always is, but the strap must have been in the way.  

My blood ran cold for a moment.  i couldn’t stop staring at her hands, even as i tried to arrange my face into something less like panic and more like nonchalance.  It was all i could do to keep my body still.  It was then i realized i had a guilty conscious, about the perfectionism stuff.  i spent some time meditating, cultivating calm energy, and letting go.

 The thing is, i had cut myself off from feeling fear during my childhood.  Fear turns to ice cold rage, deadly calm, very quickly in me.  So it is a gift, of sorts, to be able to feel fear again.  In an interesting way, fear tells me i’m safe with Sir Raven, because i have to be safe to experience that emotion.  

i was raised by and with a sociopath.  If they smell fear, it becomes a game of epic proportions.  It makes things go out of control.

Here, i can’t make things go out of control.  i don’t have that worry because i’m not in control to begin with.  When the hard shell, the armor I have had life-long, comes off…i felt whole for the first time.  I had always been afraid it would leave me defenseless, and I always felt I had to be prepared to walk away from anyone at any time.  I suppose I may have lived with one foot out of the door in life, so nothing else could hurt me.

Here, I am all in.  All in.  There is no part of me planning or waiting or expecting  to have to walk away.  I am not capable of walking away from her.  I do believe we have reached the point that she wouldn’t let me anyhow, which makes me feel very safe and contained.  Dare I say, Loved.

Edge play is the personification of what is always there, under the surface, waiting.  It is the physical manifestation of being Master and slave, Owner and property.  We trust each other and it made total sense to me when Raven K asserted that need. Sometimes, it is nice to hear that what you did purely out of instinct was the right thing to do.  

She is the embodiment of every fantasy I’ve ever had: bought, borrowed, or mine.

The fantasy, to me, was to be authentic.  To play with real fear, real need, real pain. Real.

Bad Daddy, i love you.