Mentally and emotionally, i’m feeling fatigued.
i sleep lightly with dark dreams, disconnected dreams, and wake with my mind stuffed with thoughts.
So, today i made myself some french press, lit a soft pink candle, turned on the soundscape channel and came here.
i can’t sort out how i’m feeling from what i’m thinking. All i know for sure is that when those things are in opposition, i feel unsure.
We went to the Master/slave Conference and the classes were really good, for the most part. i’m not sure if there is some kind of etiquette against typing up and posting class notes that i took. i’ll ask Sir Raven if that is okay. i’m sure i’ll be referencing a couple of the classes a lot and i’m sure that, at least, is just fine.
i can’t get to that, just yet, because i’m not in a good place. i’m just not.
i realize that the price of having an interdependent relationship is needing to develop a high degree of tolerance for uncertainty. i don’t feel certain that i matter right now. i need to feel like we will keep working on greatness in our relationship, no matter what.
One class Sir Raven and i took together was about developing a TPE/ O/p relationship style. They preferred the term “absolute commitment.” So, they went down a list of reasons Masters and slaves gave for being in this kind of relationship, having been invested in it for 15 years or more.
Each reason resonated with me. i was very strongly six out of six. Sir Raven has given all four reasons Masters give for doing this. Then, they said it would take years to make it happen. And i thought, “well, hell, we are already here.” So, then they list reasons to not pursue this kind of relationship style. One reason was if one or both people were unable or unwilling to make a lifetime commitment to each other.
i’m pragmatic enough to realize that half of marriages fail. i get that. i’m not sure what the statistics would be for the small segment of the BDSM community who lives like we do are but when you look around MaST, it’s not especially comforting.
i got, from hearing the slave talk, that he moved from relying on his integrity for making his part of the relationship work to his vulnerability.
And i thought, “Well damn, of course that makes sense. Of course i feel totally raw and exposed and hurt at times. It’s because i’m actually vulnerable and i don’t have that wall i always put up before to protect me.”
The lifetime commitment part is the safety net. i’d guess for both people. i am in this relationship in a way that i’ve never been in anything before in my life. In other relationships, i always had an exit plan in my mind, always had a part of me prepared for things to end, a part of me i kept unable to be emotionally open to anyone. i was a control freak. i was always looking for proof that the other person could not manage me and if you are looking for the other person to fail, you will find it.
My grandmother always said to marry a man who loved you a little more than you loved him. That it would keep him motivated. That i give too much and don’t know how to put a person in their place. Love would do it for me. That magic ingredient that would motivate the other person to do what was right, stay invested, because i couldn’t figure out where the dog house was or how to use it.
What i found was people who were obsessed with me. You know what is a better motivator than love? Obsession. Except that it’s a drug. i was a drug. i had people tell me exactly that. You know how drug addiction works, you will do anything to get your fix. And you will always need more. It made people paranoid, like any good drug should do. It made me free to be distant a little here and there, to threaten to take away their fix, to watch them cry and feel nothing except desperation to have some distance. The shame would wash over me later when i stole a moment to cry in the shower. i thought it was me, that i was a bad thing, that i pushed people away and hurt them. It wasn’t me. It was that fix.
i’m not a drug anymore.
i’m just a woman, someone people can take or leave.
And i think i do love more than i’m loved. i act “as if” even when i’m not feeling it, even when it hurts or i’m angry or i’m tired. i know that actions count and that actions explain feelings and that doing the action can change the emotion. The act of smiling causes changes. The act of making myself reach out, touch, and keep reaching out even when i’m moved away is a kind of proof. i’m here. i exist. i love.
You know what a drug doesn’t feel?
You know what one of the reasons the Master gave for needing this kind of relationship style? Trust. He said it’s like crack for him.
If trust is the drug and not the person, then the thing you are obsessed with is the relationship and you will walk through hell and back to secure that trust.
When i feel disconnected from Sir Raven, i don’t feel a high degree of trust. How can i feel trusting when i feel like she isn’t present? There are things i trust with absolute conviction about her. i could make a lengthy list and, actually, i will…but not here.
Maybe the cycle is about me removing absolute, blanket trust in the absence of feeling loved and connected. If that is a fundamental need of the Master, to have that trust, then not feeling it would create disharmony.
What i have learned to trust in life is feeling needed. i don’t feel needed. i feel optional. She has said it once that she needs me, and i have it recorded carefully in my head, because i think it was one of the most honest things she ever said. It wasn’t planned, it was damn near choked with emotion. Maybe i need to trust that.
The more i think about it, the more i’m wondering if we don’t speak a different trust language. The things that i trust, which are HUGE, are things she has promised to never do like make me homeless. There isn’t a way to fact check that. i just trust her promise. In fact, i trust in anything she has directly promised me. i trust her to be a responsible Master. After all, i’m not running about trying to collect proof that she paid the rent note or the light bill. Maybe, when i’m trying to communicate that i need her to be present with me, it has the effect of saying that i don’t trust her to go away in her head and come back to me.
I would have to say that for Sir Raven, trust and faith are linked together. Trust is demonstrated through having faith in the absence of any proof something will work.
For me, trust and love are linked together as well as faith. Love is expressed. Faith isn’t.
Maybe we need to talk about the language of trust and what communicates trust.
i know those things i’ve been promised by Sir Raven are what i trust in. If i had to guess, i’d say what communicates trust to her is not asking (to show me or tell me i’m loved or needed or wanted or lasting).
Can you really ask a person to promise to stay with you throughout your lifetimes -twice? Can you really ask a person to promise to love you forever? Can you really ask for a lifetime commitment?