i woke with a restless mind. i’ve got Rhianna’s “Stay” blasting in my ears. There is an Altar here and hands-down my favorite is the crown of my Master. She says, at times, she longs to be selfish and cold. That it would be easier to just slap me, silence me, ignore me. It isn’t the way of her crown. The same deliberate, always watching, possessive energy resides in the both of them. My sense is they have learned from each other over the years but were always the same-cut from the same cloth.
She said once that deep inside, she is the kind of person who wants to set fire to the building and ask questions later.
It made me laugh out loud, in recognition. i have often said that had I been born a man, I’d be a cruel son of a bitch if I was crossed. I’d also be a great husband, a great father, but I don’t think I would have ever evolved past the setting fire to the building part.
I think of this as Sir Raven and I leave the doctor’s office. If I feel angry, If I want to grab the woman up by her lab coat and shake her and make her do something, what does Sir Raven feel? Every time we leave the doctor, I think that Sir Raven goes through hell for me. It must be hellish, for her, to have no control over what the doctor decides to do. Unlike me, her behavior itself isn’t an issue for my Master. I feel like i’m talking to the damn wall. What I always want to do is tell her how shitty she is going to feel when they finally figure out what fibromyalgia really is, how we have to live, how no one wants to be less than, how i live with uncertainty and so does my spouse, and that she needs to get it together and at least keep me comfortable. Right. Fucking. Now.
Instead, I feel intimidated and am passive me. Trying to sound calm and reasonable when I feel anything but. During the exam, I half come flying off of the table and tamp down the urge to hit her. The pain is so bad that it floods my system before my mind can produce rational thought. The lizard part of my brain screams, “attack!”
I wonder what lesson there is for me in this. Patience? Forcing me to rely on her?
Underneath everything, I suspect that the disabilities serve our dynamic in the sense that I do think she would keep me because I am prey and ignite her predator and protector instinct. Also, she has no doubt how hard I work to please her both in my service and my attitude. It isn’t the easiest thing in the world to have a pleasant demeanor when you are running another fever, are frustrated and can’t think, and in pain. Those times, all of them, I’m never quite sure if I want her to beat me or hold me more.
She is stronger than I am. Finer. Smarter. Better.
Many weeks ago, Sir Raven said that if she was just a reader of this blog, she wouldn’t have the sense that we are totally committed to each other. i felt like i had been punched in the stomach. i was shocked. She acknowledged that i am always saying, writing, and showing her that i adore and love her. She wasn’t questioning my commitment or her own but didn’t think it showed up here, in writing. The truth is simply that i view my commitment to being Hers past death and desire that i might be her slave and her wife in every lifetime, come what may. Indeed, this is not our first lifetime together as lovers or Master/slave, which i find unusual. From my experience, people called into several lifetimes together often change relationships-from lover in one life to father or brother in another, for example. That is not the case with us. Honestly, though we have already sealed this in another life, i’d jump at the chance to handfast with her for all of our lifetimes again. That is the level of the depth of my desire to always be by her side. That we found each other again and she chose me, despite many things not being ideal, speaks for itself. It seems very obvious, to me, that we need each other and will uphold our commitments.
I think that anything else would represent the biggest failure of my life. We would both feel like failures permanently and nether of us is inclined to go through life that way.
After all, I could never point to her and say, “This woman is not a real Master,” just as she could never point to me and say that i am not a slave. This is generally what occurs when a M/s break-up happens. That wouldn’t and couldn’t happen here.
We are very much devoted and i’m even glad for the painful time, because it proved something to me about myself and about us. It never once crossed my mind that we would not figure it out or that her control would change. She has me and i thank God for that blessing every day.