Truth …and other things

Here’s the deal….

Can the truth hurt?  

My answer is that it depends.

Let’s look at it this way:

My weight has fluctuated over my life.  At one point, i was over 300 pounds and this is on a five foot two frame.  That was years ago but i won’t ever quite forget how invisible i was at that weight.  It’s an irony that the larger you are, the less anyone sees you.  It’s humiliating.  

i’m working against biology, and against chronic pain, but i have some measure of control over never letting my weight spiral to such an out of control area.  Did it hurt to be called fat?  Yes.  You know why?  Because it was (one of the times) my fault.  i wasn’t doing anything about it.  It wasn’t the weight comments that hurt, it was fact that i could change it.  

And i did.

i’m never going to be the tall, waif thin, tiny breasted women i most admire for their beautiful lines.  i’m curvy, feminine, round like the Goddess.  i have control over how i feel about myself.

Being called fat now would make me feel nothing, unless it was one of two people saying it.  i don’t know a single woman who doesn’t have some body issues from time-to-time.  Unfortunately, it’s a part of being female in this culture.  

Overwhelmingly, though, i don’t let those moments define me.  i made the changes i could make and then i decided i’d love myself no matter what.  So that truth?  That i’m overweight?  It’s a medical fact.  I feel nothing about that.  Hell, at doctors, I am the one who brings it up.  Not them.

What i was really hurt over wasn’t ever the weight.  What really hurt was that i wasn’t making the changes i needed to in order to feel that who i wanted to be and who i was matched up.

When it did, the power was mine.  No one could make me feel like shit about myself again.  I understood that what they were really pointing out was about them and not about me.  

i picked out this example because it highlights how i think, in a very logical manner.  If someone tells me a truth about myself and i don’t like it, then i figure it is on me to change that.  My looks are always going to be a thing that i have two thoughts over.  One of them is that i’m beautiful, in a quiet way.  The other is the disgrace that was placed on me for failing to live up to standards when i had no control over that.   What i tell myself about this is my choice.  Making peace with my body was damn hard work and while i have days of set-backs, my beauty is mine.  

On the other hand, hearing the truth in things i can’t control hurts, and that hurt can only be managed but not erased.  i’m slow and i hear that i’m slow constantly.  It makes me feel unattractive, not sexy, disabled.  But that is on me, that i let myself go there.  The truth is simply that i can’t control this.  i’m blind, something else i can’t control, and it takes time for me to navigate through crowds because either i’m invisible or people stare like i have four heads (which i feel, duh).  Does it hurt?  Hell Yeah.  Because i can’t fix it.  i can’t make a plan, change it, reorder my life.  Worse, i’m not the only person stuck with it.  Sir Raven is too.  And that?  That hurts in places that don’t even have a name.  

So, that is how i look at the truth and if i let it hurt me.  

i don’t feel its so cut-and-dried that the truth should never hurt.  If its a truth you don’t like and can change it, then work to change it.  Take your power back.  Make sure it isn’t true anymore, and move on.  We are all works-in-progress.  We all have to hear difficult truths and decide how to handle it.  

Most of the ways i was described my entire life would crush me, if i let it.  I am the only person who can decide what is true or false based on my behaviors.  Some things are just true, that I’m awkward, it’s true.  I kind of like that about myself.  It’s just me.  i’m a study in contrasts and I like that, too.  

I’ll add to this to say, my ability to use logical over feelings is perhaps unusual.  But if the feeling isn’t serving me in some way, making me better, or telling me something important, then why indulge it?  



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