i was dreaming about her vividly this morning, when i felt her perfect-shaped, soft lips on mine. i wondered if it was a part of the dream, for a moment, in that space where you are not sure which reality matters more and both realities are real.
In a quantum sense, all realities are equal.
This morning, i listened to a meditation about paying attention to the intentions we put out to the Universe with our thoughts. This idea, which rings true to me, stands in stark contrast with the idea the best predictor of what a person will do in the future is what they have done in the past.
There isn’t room for both as accepted truths.
One must go.
I have been working hard on letting go of the idea that the past predicts the future.
Holding that as a truth gets in the way of making room for a better future.
It seems i have been learning this the hard way, in this strange new land.
i made an offhand remark to Sir Raven that she had never played with me on a work night. Her reaction was hurt. It wasn’t my intent. Not at all. In my logically way, devoid of emotion, i was only stating a piece of factual information without a value-judgement.
My Master works hard and i can appreciate that.
In speaking that, though, i negated how hard she works for us in our relationship. i know, in my true heart, that she is always thinking about her Mastery and my slavery and how to make it better. i also know that if she had the energy left over, there would be no doubt that she would enjoy using me more.
My words didn’t convey that and it didn’t make room in the Universe for more of what matters to us.
i am learning how to let go of hurts, deep wounds, and live in the present and in the expectation that we will keep coming together as strong and sure as the ocean waves. I’ve never looked at the sea and questioned that the waves would keep rolling in. Never watched high tide and pointedly commented that low-tide has happened as well.
Against all logical odds, we have found each other in this lifetime and what i know for sure is that it isn’t our first. It is my deepest wish, intention, and belief that we will continue across all space and time, that our souls will always find each other. I trust in that.
And when you trust in something that big, the rest seems trivial, like focusing on a single speck of sand at the bottom of the ocean floor. Why would you want to examine that so closely? It is just something tiny. It’s real, like the hurt was, but it isn’t the whole of anything.
So, over the weekend, I discovered Pinterest and made a page for Her. To show her all of the ways i want to become who she wants to mold me into. To show all of the beauty I see in her and our lives together. To show her my intentions.
The board is full of images: the NYPL with candles going up the stairs, a deep tub overlooking the city, the dresses she spends so much time finding for me, the Butch swagger, a poem that was meant to say i want to understand better, movies that made us cry, cuff links from Tiffany’s and hand engraved rings of Ravens. I included Mr. Darcy’s speech of love and my reply: a white rose covered in blood.
The images matter because it is imagery that informs intent.
There is no room for looking at the past for doubt because it just doesn’t matter.
i made my choice, to be Hers entirely, and have never spent a single second regretting this.
i didn’t know it then, but i also chose to live in faith, to live with being vulnerable. And so the things that do not belong on that board of intentions, living in our combined memory and future, just don’t matter. This is the beauty of Consensual Non Consent. This is the beauty of being hers.
i do have faith. i do. i just couldn’t find a way to show that without pictures. Art has always been another way that you loved me. I want to return the favor. Thank you for giving me a way to reach back and for making my life an extraordinary place.