Dear Fibro: F*ck You.

It’s been a bad few days of what is known as a fibro flare. It’s like having the flu after running a marathon and being brain dead at the same time. Fun times.

On a positive note, i do get bragging rights for having the best Master in. the. world.

Truly, just having her home makes me feel more peaceful. She has taught me to rest when i need to and accept what is. Sir Raven came home and noted my fever and labored movement and ran a bath for me. She even put some tea candles in there and my favorite bath salts (lotus blossom). i have learned to accept her care of me, which was pretty damn hard for a long time for me. She tucked me in bed early and even washed dishes that night, which is a semi-annual event around here. 🙂

i do my best to put on a brave face during the day but at night, i give up the ghost. Evidently, i made a grab to play princess-in-the-pea with *all* of the stolen blankets and whined and moaned in my sleep at her furtive efforts to help or at least gain some covers for herself. This is a part of why i do believe it is far harder to love someone with a chronic illness than to be the person with it. In our case, she experiences some sympathy pains as well and has described it as feeling like she has full blown back labor.

i was dropping everything i touched too. Unfortunately, that included the french press and ended up causing burns which may well scar. Yep. It’s been lovely. We even had to cancel a doctor appointment because i just couldn’t make it.

i think that people think of M/s as a rigid thing when the truth is my Master is very gentle and loving with me when it counts the most. She is my safety and peace in an out-of-control situation. She let me go outside yesterday and shop for food and wine, make a roast with mashed potatoes, and some extra meals for her lunches. It’s getting a bit better day by day.

i pray for the miracle that a cure would be and would be really happy if they could figure out why our immune systems seemx to attack itself. In the meantime, i pray for the grace to endure and the strength of my Master to continue. It’s funny that of all of the things i have written about here, writing about being ill is the most vulnerable for me.

Live. Love. Learn.

I have been remiss in writing as of late. Life is going along. Sir Raven and i are in a really good place and we are working jointly on a little project about our journey, which is fun.

I passed statistics and am delighted that she graded the final on a curve, so i ended up with a better grade than i earned. i must have been doing better than i thought all along.

I had four delicious days off of school, which was really marvelous. It’s been about three months since I haven’t had my classes arranged so that one class began the very day after the previous class ended. Oh, the bliss of four days. Sir Raven and I celebrated one of them by staying in bed all day, watching movies and eating junk food for dinner, and goofing off together. She even played an online game with me and let me have donuts and cookies at the MAsT social. Speaking of which, it was actually nice and not as overwhelming to me as it was last year. I was happy to set up the snack table and it made me feel utterly cheerful when one lovely Lady remarked to those of us working, “oh, it looks nice, girls.” 🙂

Sir Raven was having a conversation with another Master, and I distinctly heard the word “strap” several times from across the room and was trying to figure out if I needed to run away from home or join her conversation. I was flinching from the word, and made my way over to hopefully work some charm in her direction. I heard the tail end of her saying, “and now I have no choice but to use it” and spent hours in a low level anxiety state and a guilty conscious, which was eased slightly when i shoved sweet snacks into my mouth with reckless abandon. She refuses to provide further details about the content of her conversation but she tends to say that she thinks punishment should occur immediately and i am still able to sit after a bit of a dumb move recently so i imagine i’m safe, even though frankly, i likely deserved it.

I’m such a Daddy’s girl today that i wish she was home. Since I had a pretty good day yesterday, fibromyalgia rules state that my sleep last night suck and my bones ache today. 80 percent humidity isn’t helping. My skin hurts and i’m grumpy. I managed to make myself call old doctors back and stuff though for the upcoming appointment and have worked on the copious notes provided by the new professor. You know, so we can read a book of APA formatting stuff and a twenty page syllabus committed to memory before we get out text. Heh. My brain is kind of not working, which i resent, but it is what it is. I need to go out anyhow and run some errands and do laundry soon.

Sir Raven works late tonight so i still have time to get it together. I’m so very proud of how she has adjusted to her promotion and delighted that she comes home happier and calmer, despite the amount of work. It really is wonderful that she is less drained now. It goes to show how much energy she was spending to have so much responsibility without total control. It makes a huge difference to her day and fills me with joy that she is doing so well. Not that I am surprised a bit. She amazes me in many ways all of the time.

My focus right now in life seems to be to learn how to best cultivate and rest inside of contentment. I realize that should perhaps come naturally but it is something I have to work at sometimes. I’m learning to enjoy it and am trying to rework my mind to need it. Fortunately, I’m pre-wired to be attracted to things that make the people I’m attached to happy, regardless of my previous thought or feelings. It’s not just a s/m or sex thing to me. It’s a life value that encompasses everything. I finally stopped thinking I was failing somehow in some ill-defined manner when Sir Raven was simply basking in a moment of enjoying her work with me and us and contentment is a good thing. It means I am doing well enough most of the time per her standards that she is free to enjoy it. That is a huge shift inside of me….to see that. Thankfully, we were talking recently to prepare our joint project, and we talked about this shift.

The only thing not content right now is about the Marine. She is sort of MIA, due to work and other things but it is just draining to never know when we will see her again or what to expect. It may not make sense on paper, but i find i have to compartmentalize somewhat because of how I feel about her. I miss her but I have to put it to the side. I’ve seen her only briefly in recent weeks and won’t see her again until this weekend. I’ve just noticed that i used entirely female pronouns here, when i tend to mix them easily and comfortably with her, because of her strong male and strong female energy. Yeah. I’m compartmentalizing. The lack of balance there is a lot to deal with, for me.

I’m going to try and start writing more, I think. I think I had to stop for awhile because there were things that were bothering me that I’m not comfortable writing too much about here.

I’m going to do what I can to make myself more cozy for an hour and then get busy.