i think i have a little bit of the little girl blues today.
i’m frustrated with myself because i can’t seem to meet all of my goals every day. i try and focus on all that i do get accomplished and really if Sir Raven is happy, then i have a right to be too.
The meds are creating a situation that i basically need a daily nap now, like a small child. i’ve learned to do that if i need to because i will become so exhausted that i literally have no choice and it ends up being a bigger deal than it should be. The nap always makes me feel tremendous gratitude that Sir Raven is my Master because she actively insists that i rest, nap, or take breaks as i need to. It is kind of ha, ha funny that one of the hardest things to obey is around respecting my bodily limitations and to practice self-care. It seems odd, perhaps, that a nap reinforces that i am hers. But it does.
And really, the only thing i didn’t get done on my list today was laundry. Sir Raven went out first thing this morning, on her day off and before i could fix her breakfast even, to replace a fuse. It blew the night before and is some weird fuse i’ve never seen before. But she went out and fixed it by herself, earning a heart-felt song from me while i made the bed, “My Master’s better than your Master, my Master’s better than yooouuuurrrrs. My Master fixes fuses so we have the internet!”
i was totally impressed. i offered to quit singing and show her how impressed i was but she sent me off to make her eggs, sausage, and toasted bagel instead. 🙂
Everything is good here. We made it a year into our O/p and no one died, not even once. i bought her cufflinks with real books pages from “Pride and Prejudice” inside of them, with the Mr. Darcy quote about his love. They are really nice. i wrote a long note in a card, which unfortunately was a re purposed Valentine’s Day card because i was not allowed to leave the house for my own safety in the bad weather for a couple of days. Fortunately, i already had her cufflinks and a box of her favorite chocolates. i bought a little cheesecake and managed to not eat it myself. Heh. When she asked me what i wanted, i reminded her that she is my gift, every day.
We went out and met a friend of hers for dinner and drinks and to a God-awful class teaching lesbians how to talk dirty. i always feel like i’ve fallen into a kinky version of “Mona Lisa Smile” in that group. The Marine was there, and i wasn’t expecting that. i felt a little like i was punched when i heard her voice and realized she was sitting one seat away from me. i was physically in pain by that point from all of the sitting and the room felt too hot. i went to the bathroom and stood outside while it wrapped up. i needed to get my medicine in me and get some water on my neck and get the hell out of that room.
The next day, the Marine came over for about ten minutes to pick up things she had left here, like her pillow and big crock pot. And it was odd, having her in the apartment. It felt final. i stared at Sir Raven for some signal, to tell me if i was supposed to hug her or what. She gestured for me to stand up and do it, but instead of our normal long embrace, i just placed on hand on her back in a strange half hug. We had not seen her since the day she left abruptly, without a goodbye, so it was strained a bit for me. i don’t have words for this.
i am just glad that Sir Raven and i are back to being us, lighthearted and silly and loving us.
The weekend has left me with a bit of the little girl blues, because i was in a celebratory mood, happy to be where i was in life and not expecting the reminder of the Marine. i didn’t have my guard up for that, exactly. i wasn’t expecting it. It’s fine and i’m fine.
The other thing is, my brothers birthday is tomorrow. This one hurts. It hurts because my baby brother is turning 30 and it’s amazing that both of us survived to being 30. i’m 35 and still wondering how in the hell i lived to be 30. We never expected that to occur, for either of us, so i wish there was some way to reach out safely to him. But there truly isn’t. And that makes me feel very sad. That my biological family is so fucked up that i can’t even reach out for this milestone. The worst crime you could commit in that family was to forget. It was a familiar refrain from my mother, about how people hurt us and then moved on, never thinking of us again.
i hate that this will hurt him. But i am a ghost as far as they are concerned.
For my nephews birthday, my sweet angel Gabe, i bought a Disney balloon put all of my good wishes for him and released it into the sky. It felt good.
For my brother, i don’t feel anything like that. i don’t have any bad wishes for him, but any thought of him is painful and my first is always the hope that he isn’t hurting anyone else. He is the only person who can understand what we lived through and have shared a strange intimacy as adults. Nothing will fix him. And really there isn’t anything i care to say, other than “i would never forget you.” If he knows me, he knows that. i can’t make him understand why i have to live as a ghost, in hiding, if he doesn’t understand already.
My life and my safety are here, with Sir Raven. No good could ever come from dealing with my bio family, it never has. i’ve been dreaming about my mother a lot lately, feverish dreams that wake me up all night. It reminds me that my only safety is here, with my Daddy. i reach over to her, snuggle closer when she lets me, and then the nightmares calm down.
My adult self is very focused right now on a lot of important things. The little girl inside hurts a bit but Sir Raven is wonderful and will give me peace at some point, when she is ready and wants to.
i’m going to do better about writing here and will quit using my yoga CD as a coffee coaster at some point. Heh. Love you, Daddy! 😛