Held Safe

Sir Raven mentioned some changes that have occurred recently and that not a lot changes in her house.  Maybe that is why all of the changes seem really large.  i’m overwhelmingly thankful for them because they are helping me feel safe and recognize her as my safety, anchor, and rock while changes happen around us.

Sir Raven has an impressive mind and it seems that once she decides something, things fall quickly into place.  She has gotten several projects done in the house lately, for which I am thankful.  The kitchen sink was particularly frustrating for me, since it leaked onto the floor in little puddles several times a week.  The shower isn’t dripping anymore and the potty flushes better.  The new container was really nice and one of the things she did for me last year, while i was packing up my little suitcases to move home for good.  “You have to have a place for your girl things, jade.  This is your home now,” she had said.  

Sir Raven has also gone back to texting me during the day.  It lets me know she is thinking of me, which is special, all by itself.

In the mornings, rather than listen to the news, she watches only what is needed (the weather and train reports) and then turns on soft music.  We sit in the livingroom together, sometimes chatting, sometimes not.  We don’t have to be talking to enjoy each other’s company.  She sometimes lights candles on the white table or I light candles for the home earlier rather than waiting.

In the evening, she tells me to bring my floor pillow over and i sit at her feet.  She asks me what i did, asks a lot more details, pays closer attention.  It makes me feel safe, this little report, and that i can’t gloss over what i’m feeling as easily as i had been used to.  i did it to spare her from having to directly deal with difficult fibro days or my confusing emotional states in regards to stuff outside of us.  i also thought that she was asking about what i did, not how i was, which are two different questions entirely.

Several mornings, she emailed me my horoscope.  It’s been pretty accurate lately.  

i’ve been given less leeway in bad weather where i was used to figuring out for myself if i was okay to walk in it.  So, she has been more proactive in making suggestions about when to carry out tasks like laundry, which is safer to carry when it’s not slippery.

i’m also very aware now that she is not going to just sit around while i fail at things.  i was putting things off, getting way too lost in my head or emotions, way too lost into pain and letting things slide somewhat.  That makes me feel safe, actually and strangely cared for. LIke i matter too much.  She said once, in MAsT, that she is West Indian, and she beats me because she loves me.  i think it is true.  

Right now, it is all working together and i’m feeling safer than i have in awhile.  When she said she was keeping me on a short leash, she clearly meant it.  It makes me feel calmer because i was feeling like my submission was a burden sometimes before and that i had too much weight on me for every outcome.  Now, it feels more shared and balanced.

This week, i thanked her for all of the things she provides and that we have a house that is warm (five degree temps!).  She thanked me for making it a home and my heart was so full that i was speechless.  She forgets, i think, that she is the center of my Universe and there would be no reason to make a home without her. 


2 thoughts on “Held Safe

  1. sofia says:

    And here you are, sounding happy and whole. i’m so glad. ❤


  2. jadescastle says:

    Yes, i’m feeling both happy and whole. It’s a good place.

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