For Everything, there is a season…

Our little home has felt sadness over the last two weeks.  Sir Raven has a spiritual family, which i consider a part of my family as well, and two people have crossed over, one right after the other.

i have done my best to be balanced, quiet, and supportive.  People who are not psychic consider it to be something amazing, and while it is amazing and a gift, it comes with a lot of work.  It is very hard to be an empath and to maintain a balance of good energy when everyone is understandably sad.  Sir Raven and i are both empathic and introverts, so i naturally tend to give space and quiet when she is hurting.  i also try to make her laugh and remember to touch her often for just a few moments.

There is a part of me that wants to curl up next to her and hold on tight.  Death around you makes you more aware of loss and how precious life is.  i keep thinking of Brenne Brown, who said, 

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

I am also thinking of her recounting the common experience of the parent watching their perfect child sleeping, full of joy, and then thinking of all of the things that could go wrong and the fear of losing something they love more than they ever imagined possible.

Yeah.  

Like a child, i want Sir Raven to tell me she will never leave me and that our souls will always find each other, no matter what.  i want us to vow that we will find each other for all of our lifetimes.

And she won’t.

i don’t know why.  The reasons don’t really matter.  i know with all of me that my soul will always want to find hers and there are times my joy struggles in the face of her lack of reassurance.  It’s silly,  i’m silly.  i know.

So, i’m trying to hold my balance in the face of fear.  i’m trying to make the house feel sweet and calm, because that is one of my most important responsibilities to Sir Raven.  

i’m also trying to self-soothe and not need anything.  In the midst of the rest of this, i graduated and have the rest of this week to relax and let my brain calm down from the constant pressure of school before it starts up again.  At least in this next program, there are scheduled breaks, unlike the last two years of my life.  🙂  i want to be happy about this but it seems to be overshadowed by mild anxiety.  

i’ve had to be extra careful, because i have found that anxiety in me leads to impulsiveness.  Yesterday, i struggled to obey and wait for a text allowing me to run a few brief errands in the snow.  i’ve struggled to stay focused on applying for scholarships, do some required busy work, and get ready for my residency in the end of April.  

We have had two nice days this year and i determined to make a picnic for Sir Raven on one of them, last weekend.  Thankfully, i went to look at the grassy knoll, and found that while the dirty piles of snow had melted on the sidewalks my picnic plans were dashed by pure white snow all over the ground.  i’m from Florida so ….oops.  i’m glad i checked before i came home to drag her out of bed.  We had a picnic in bed instead.  

The weather has been frigid.  We all long for Spring, the return of warmth.  It seems that every time i clean her boots, it snows the next day to replace the grime.  i cleaned them last night because it won’t get above freezing today and she needs to wear them for the funeral.  i wanted to do something for her anyhow and it makes her feel good to have her boots cared for.  

i am not familiar with the customs of mourning in her spirituality and she prefers that i not join her today.  i long to support her and if staying home is better then i must accept that.  

i may sage the house once she leaves, to cleanse and prepare for the end of sadness and return to more joy.  

i know we need to reconnect in our way, together, and am trying to emotionally prepare myself for the pain that will come.  i know it would help but am reluctant to ask right now.  

Instead, i wait and hold the balance.

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Every step

We are taking steps to keep our rituals going, which is great.  Sir Raven is doing lovely things still, like texting me every day just to see how i am.  i really appreciate it, that she takes the time in her busy day to let me know she is thinking of me.  

Speaking of a busy day, i’ve had one so far.  i’m slow cooking ribs so we have dinner when we get home.  i cleaned out the frig, cleaned the bathroom, made the bed, started working on my very last paper, cleaned the kitchen, and showered.  i needed time for my hair to dry before i go out to meet Sir Raven.

i’m so proud of her.  She is planning so many exciting programs at her branch and i’m delighted to be supporting her tonight.  i had to work all night to get to go today, but it is so worth it.  

Everything is getting better, all of the time.  i think we pay more conscious attention to each other, laugh every day, and depend on each other more.  We also have more s/m and spend time “talking”, as Sir Raven put it.  

Last weekend was really great.  We had a long session that came pretty close to tears for me and this sense of release as all of my tension left my body and soul.  Somehow, finishing this degree seems to have left many of us feeling a bit nostalgic, and many students described their feelings as bittersweet.  i’m surprised to agree with that.  One phase of my journey is ending and a new one beginning.  

i looked up the shelter director this week and called her to thank her for her support.  When i said my name she said, “Oh, yes, I remember you.  You were b…” and I thought she was going to say, “blind” but finished the sentence with “brilliant.”  lol.  We had a lovely chat and caught up.  She is pioneering a pilot program that has supervised visitation for parents who are dealing with domestic violence.  i got to brag about my amazing Sir Raven, and it was all true.  She is the love of my life, and the best relationship i’ve ever been in.  i really wanted to thank her for keeping me in the shelter longer than what was customary and that her work mattered.  She asked if she could send an email out to everyone and thanked me for the cards I send every year.  Of course, i wanted everyone who helped me on this journey to receive my thanks, so I agreed to the email that will go out to shelter staff.  

i feel that Sir Raven and i have put the past pains of poly stuff behind us and are moving forward together.  We are both working hard career wise and have been conscious of keeping each other in the loop about how new experiences are working out for us.  

i was surprised, and delighted beyond words, that Sir Raven is trying to plan to join me for my first residency.  i wasn’t sure how i would manage being away from her for a whole week.  i know, i know.  i’m a Daddy’s girl.  So what!  It will be really comforting to know she is right there and it will be lovely to get to spend time just away together.  In a nice hotel, removed from the constant bustle of daily life.  I know I will be working all day, but it will be so wonderful to come back to her and our normal rituals.  Not to mention, I’m sure I will appreciate being able to blow off steam with her by, uh, “talking” and hopefully some s/m in the mix.  

In other news,

i’m thinking seriously about changing my name legally.  i am having some anxiety issues from having to put my name out there in the public eye, leaving me able to be found again.  i can’t chance that.  Plus, I’m thinking from a professional point of view, that it might be a good thing to be known by a single name.  i dislike the idea of every person knowing me by one name, with another legal name that is very distinctive.  i don’t know.  Sir Raven will decide whatever is best, but i’ve expressed my concerns and we go to great lengths to conceal my identity from past abusers.  

i want to have one single identity, you know?  i was never one to have a “scene name” and all of that.  i’m not ashamed of my life or my sexuality.  i could use a mentor in this regard at this point, i think.  i’m unsure how far i can have a professional life and a scene life within the same identity.  i think that it would feel unhealthy to me to separate them more than what is ethically and morally necessary (like crossing roles with a client or whatever).  

i’ve ever considered going back to my legal name in the scene, should SR decide to not change my name legally.  i’m just putting it in her hands and trusting she will decide what is best for me and us.  

That is true in all ways.  i do trust her to know what is best, or give it thought and make the best decision she can.  i know that i can count on her to help us live with the outcome of her choices, and that i can trust her to make a different decision when things don’t work out as she planned.  

i appreciate all of the work she puts into our relationship.  All of the little things, like buying expensive shampoo and conditioner for me when she noticed i was running low.  Who notices such small details?  Those sorts of things make me feel really lucky.  Not to mention, every time she calls me “baby girl,” my heart melts and feels full of love.  

i have faith in us.  We will keep taking steps, and moving together on our journey.  There is no one i’d rather be on the journey of life with.  i think, in some ways, that the trials we went through have made us stronger now.  More dedicated.  Faster to laugh and forgive small moments.  She shares her feelings more.  We both do.  I can’t imagine my life without her.  

In a few short years, I have accomplished so many dreams and often she was the only person who believed in me.  Well, i believed in myself and i believe in her.  Thank you, Master, for all of your support and guidance.  In three days, i will be the youngest woman in my family to have my degree and be earning a graduate degree.  When i think of that, it is huge, and i’m excited for our future.  

Every step I took in faith has paid off.  

Thank you for being such a good man, for standing by me, and for keeping control and leading me no matter what.  i adore you.

Do not try, Do

It’s been a while and although I was on a roll I’ve not given up writing.

The girl and I have been through some rough times that we are still putting behind us. It’s difficult be doable. We have stuck to our rituals and have been really moving forward on our journey. This month she’s been a buying machine, as I’ve written.here

We have been taking care of some other things last month and this month, which I didn’t think we could be did. We have contributed to some writing projects, continue to do our part at our MAsT meetings all the while focusing on our personal goals. She in the master’s program, which I’m so proud of. And yes that means I’ll be more of a hard ass on her managing her time and assignments, she maybe in the master’s program but I’m the master’s program that she’s in. 🙂

I’m working in my new job position, kicking ass and taking names, thank goodness I had the experience of the fake “community” that taught me a thing or two. I’ve never been one to want to be the Queen bee and I have no interest in puffing up my chest acting as if I’m something I’m not. I learned a long time ago how to lead by following. Yes it sounds odd that a master would use this term, but it works for me at times.

I lead by following the suggestions my slave gives at times, she has great suggestions. The same holds true for my work place, I make it a point to encourage ideas from the staff I work with, and because of that( after they got over the shock that I was the lets try it supervisor) we are doing great things.

This past weekend the girl and I spent a great Saturday together “talking” and sick in bed all day Sunday, we watched the remake of Carrie. The Goddess gives and takes it away. It was all good, we did spend a lot of time in bed together. Monday we were alot better and spent the evening watching the original Carrie. Good times.

Since January I was starting to feel like would couldn’t, but as one of my mentors use to say can’t is an animal that will not try. And as Yoda would say, do not try do.

Yep that’s us Doing!

Good things.

So, i had rose gold steel jewelry engraved and sent to Sir Raven’s work.  i was super excited until i saw it.  It wasn’t what i had in mind at all for the finished product.  The idea was cool, you could engrave pictures you took on the pendants, but her dog tag was too teeny and the necklace for me was too thick.

i don’t know.  It just wasn’t what i had in mind at all.  i did like the cuff bracelet, which i had engraved in 15th century French, “You and no other” on the outside and a private message acknowledging her as my Master inside.  

She always picks out perfect jewelry for me.  She chooses lovely, dainty, simple things that are perfect for me.  i love the juxtaposition between the thick, locked, constant steel collar and the sweet and feminine jewelry.  It seems to make it so clear that this collar is her mark of ownership.  Anyhow, she picks out beautiful things for me, which is hard because i have a strong dislike of showy and loud things.  i like clean lines, simply designs, solitaires.  

i always disliked receiving jewelry from anyone else because they tended to choose stuff that was not about me.  i got to pick out something i actually wanted only twice in life.  

Anyhow, her perfection at choosing gifts for me is genuine.  i try and succeed more than i fail which makes me feel a lot more confident about ordering online and making decisions for gifts for her.  To me, a huge part of the gift, the important part, is telling the person that you know them and value them enough to spend time making them feel good.

 Sir Raven is gracious and responded as my Daddy, who got one of those fantastical child’s paintings are are happy because they tried so hard.  Heh.  i love her, i do.

What i really wanted was to buy a ring for her birthday.  Rose gold looks stunning on her, so if she ever gets her thumb sized i can proceed.  She wants a thumb ring but hasn’t had time to find her size.  It would mean a lot to me to get that done for her.  It will happen in due time and i can make up for the other stuff.  Heh.  i’m thinking we need to go to a jewelry store so she can see it on her, perhaps.  i like the idea of rose gold, since neither of us have ever had that before.  Plus, the color is stunning on her.

Fortunately, my other gifts did not suck.  Well, except for one, but in a good way.  😛

i’ve been kept inside because of all of the ice for a week.  Poor Sir Raven was quite put out when i brought her ice cream and had no brownies Friday night.  She was apparently used to my normal ready-for-the-weekend routine of having clean sheets, something baked, and her favorite snacks in the house.  She took me out briefly Friday, for cigarettes and ice cream.  The snow was piled up and i can’t really tell where you can get through and i can’t see any of the ice or where it is safe to cross well.  i could understand how bad it must have been all week and was more thankful for her care of me.  i knew it was for my safety the whole time and was sick for a couple of days anyhow.  i’m fighting something and am very tired.  By the end of the week though, i was very excited to go out for sushi and see the world outside of the apartment, which had begun to feel like a lovely cage or a locked jewelry box.

i was let out again Sunday, briefly, so i could make brownies and get coffee and crawl back into our warm bed and watch the movie she brought home.  She had her chips and wine and we snuggled.  It was a nice, low-key weekend.  Especially the long beating, that we both needed.  i think we both wanted to do it again Sunday, but she had a headache that wouldn’t allow it.  😦

i had a really rough night sleep and woke up feeling icky.  i took some cold medicine, which is helping a bit.  An hour after Sir Raven said i could go out today, it snowed again, which dashed that hope.  She said she would tell me if i was permitted out and i am waiting.  i’m happy enough to have my warm blankie and a Master who takes care of me.  

i think she could tell i wasn’t well this morning, which could be why i am inside again.  i can’t afford to get any more sick right now.  There is too much to do for this class and she is right that it is better to rest and not push myself too hard with so much to do right now.

i’m so thankful.  

The pain of turning away from the Marine made it clear to me that it really is, and must be, my Master and no other.  i think it made us closer, in a sense.  i’m more aware that my body, my heart, my life, is hers.  It made me aware that i am internally and eternally enslaved.  The pain of it comes in waves at times,  but i am thankful for that pain because it has taught me so much.

Nothing is more important than our bond.  

i have found that i will protect and defend my Master, and our relationship, no matter what.  i have found that i am not capable of not being hers without losing me.  i trust her and i trust myself to honor our commitments.  It feels so good, so right, and we are both happy despite the amount of work it takes and the sacrifices made along the way.

Oh…Sir Raven, the sexiest woman alive, is on https://www.facebook.com/LeatherWomenDocumentary

i can’t believe she choose me.  The funny thing is, she has said the same thing about me a time or two.  

We really are lucky.

i won’t forget that.  Ever.  i promise.

Master, i love and adore you.  Thank you for our lives together and for keeping me as your own.

Six more weeks of winter, oh myyyy

It’s been a winter wonderland here in our little part of the world, the girl had been benched with all the snow. I tend to make sure she stays in because of the ice and that fact that she can’t see the color white. It would seem to those looking in that I’m keeping her away from the things that she usually does, but it’s part of me taking care of her. Do I want the laundry done, wine bought or food in the house? Hell yeah, but her safety comes first. so while I brave the elements and shop for food, buy cigs etc for us she complains that she should be doing these things.

The first Sunday of the month is our MAsT meeting, and we had a great time, the weather was wonderful and although the groundhog did say there would be six more weeks of winter we had no idea that it would kick in on Monday. 🙂 way to go groundhog. 🙂 I was really surprised at the meeting when she kicked off the discussion. She is a wealth of information and I’m always so proud of her when she puts it out there, although she’s a TNGer she has a lot of life experience and finally after a year or  more of attending the meeting I think, she is starting to feel that the meeting is home to her. Before she really settled in here I know she must have thought what most people do about the big city. There must be thousands of things to attend? But the M/s community is very small here, unless you want to party all the time, conversing and being around folks who live the life and talk the talk of M/s the pickings are small. MAsT is one of the only places where we can be around people that are like us, and we live for the first Sunday of the month.

On a side note, the girl has had a few bad pain days, and I had to clamp down on her to take it easy, to rest and focus on her school work. To me that’s more important then having wine in the house and so what if I have to have a sandwich for diner. I remember hearing LS talking about sitting in a MAsT meeting and hearing the male masters talk about how their slave was sick, and they had to wash dishes. OY, big whoop!

As she wrote it was my birthday and I don’t like a lot of fuss, after all I’m not a spring chicken, I’m an old bird or as a few of us call ourselves chicken hawks. But the girl did get me a few things which I’m over the moon about. Cufflinks with book pages from pride nad prejudice and a steampunk pocket watch, how cool is that?

cuffs and watch

Snow Day

Yesterday was my Master’s birthday.  Naturally, i wanted to make a huge fuss over her but wasn’t allowed to.  Boo.  We had MAsT and the presenter didn’t show up so i spent a goodly amount of time talking about obtrusive v. unobtrusive service.  The topic was actually structure, but i was pointing out that the way service is provided does help support the structure of a home.  

And Sir Raven doesn’t like to be overtly fussed over.

Not even on her birthday.

So, i’ve done little things from our anniversary on.  i made chocolate chip cookies and ghiradelli brownies.  i bought her favorite ice cream.  i sent gifts to her work, where she couldn’t yell at me and had time to process it before she came home.  Heh.  It worked beautifully.

Personally, i wanted to do a cupcake bar at MAsT and fill the house with balloons and wrapped gifts.  Instead, i covered her with kisses at midnight and posted for the first time on her facebook page.  

It is about her.  And i know that because i obey, even when my instincts are to be decadent or wild.  i am a  person who has purchased a package for a person to take a hot air balloon and sky diving trip before.  Heh.

We had beautiful weather yesterday, perfect really for a winter day.  It was a lovely break, like the universe celebrated her day by giving us just the right amount of warmth and light.  We made the best of MAsT, sans presenter, and had our normal “post therapy” drink and dinner around the corner.  We toasted her and enjoyed the time.  

My friend noted her new birthday Fossil bag and kept teasing Sir Raven saying, “oh, the person who received that bag for their special day must really love it.  Who could the birthday girl be?”

Sir Raven got the bathroom ceiling fixed, again, this morning.  Woot!  We have having our own person snow day with lots and lots of real snow.  And pizza.  Sir Raven is ordering pizza for dinner because i’m not allowed to go out when it’s slushy outside.

And there is something i designed coming to her work soon.  i’m so super excited!  

Really, she is humoring my inner child a little bit, because i just couldn’t handle doing nothing for her birthday, which is what she said she wanted.  i think she would agree that this approach worked out just fine.

On a related note, she is already thinking about my birthday, which is in June for Pete’s sake.  Heh.  She mentioned a party, which i hope she will not do for a variety of reasons, especially the cost.  Sir Raven was shocked to discover that i haven’t had an actual party for my birthday since i was 10.  i am just hoping to spend the day with her, which i doubt, because she has to do stupid things like work.  😛

i love this woman in a way i’ve never loved anyone before and i am beyond thankful to have gotten to spend her birthday with her again.  i think she will never know how much i truly adore her.  It is so immense that the feeling has no words.  Have you ever seen anything so beautiful that it stopped you, filled you with awe, and made you ache?  It’s like that but stronger because that feeling happens for a blissful moment every day.  i’m a lucky woman and am deeply humbled to be her slave.  

i feel blessed that so many things are happening that are wonderful.  Her promotion and staggering success, my graduation with her help and support, and our commitment to each other which is the most important thing of all.

My life is full of beauty and love because of her.

Okay, so i need a little rest so i can get this paper on depression done.  i am pretty sure i can pull of an “A” and a Summa Cum Laude yet.  Send out positive vibes to the universe, please.  i could use it.