Our little home has felt sadness over the last two weeks. Sir Raven has a spiritual family, which i consider a part of my family as well, and two people have crossed over, one right after the other.
i have done my best to be balanced, quiet, and supportive. People who are not psychic consider it to be something amazing, and while it is amazing and a gift, it comes with a lot of work. It is very hard to be an empath and to maintain a balance of good energy when everyone is understandably sad. Sir Raven and i are both empathic and introverts, so i naturally tend to give space and quiet when she is hurting. i also try to make her laugh and remember to touch her often for just a few moments.
There is a part of me that wants to curl up next to her and hold on tight. Death around you makes you more aware of loss and how precious life is. i keep thinking of Brenne Brown, who said,
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown
I am also thinking of her recounting the common experience of the parent watching their perfect child sleeping, full of joy, and then thinking of all of the things that could go wrong and the fear of losing something they love more than they ever imagined possible.
Like a child, i want Sir Raven to tell me she will never leave me and that our souls will always find each other, no matter what. i want us to vow that we will find each other for all of our lifetimes.
And she won’t.
i don’t know why. The reasons don’t really matter. i know with all of me that my soul will always want to find hers and there are times my joy struggles in the face of her lack of reassurance. It’s silly, i’m silly. i know.
So, i’m trying to hold my balance in the face of fear. i’m trying to make the house feel sweet and calm, because that is one of my most important responsibilities to Sir Raven.
i’m also trying to self-soothe and not need anything. In the midst of the rest of this, i graduated and have the rest of this week to relax and let my brain calm down from the constant pressure of school before it starts up again. At least in this next program, there are scheduled breaks, unlike the last two years of my life. 🙂 i want to be happy about this but it seems to be overshadowed by mild anxiety.
i’ve had to be extra careful, because i have found that anxiety in me leads to impulsiveness. Yesterday, i struggled to obey and wait for a text allowing me to run a few brief errands in the snow. i’ve struggled to stay focused on applying for scholarships, do some required busy work, and get ready for my residency in the end of April.
We have had two nice days this year and i determined to make a picnic for Sir Raven on one of them, last weekend. Thankfully, i went to look at the grassy knoll, and found that while the dirty piles of snow had melted on the sidewalks my picnic plans were dashed by pure white snow all over the ground. i’m from Florida so ….oops. i’m glad i checked before i came home to drag her out of bed. We had a picnic in bed instead.
The weather has been frigid. We all long for Spring, the return of warmth. It seems that every time i clean her boots, it snows the next day to replace the grime. i cleaned them last night because it won’t get above freezing today and she needs to wear them for the funeral. i wanted to do something for her anyhow and it makes her feel good to have her boots cared for.
i am not familiar with the customs of mourning in her spirituality and she prefers that i not join her today. i long to support her and if staying home is better then i must accept that.
i may sage the house once she leaves, to cleanse and prepare for the end of sadness and return to more joy.
i know we need to reconnect in our way, together, and am trying to emotionally prepare myself for the pain that will come. i know it would help but am reluctant to ask right now.
Instead, i wait and hold the balance.