Every step

We are taking steps to keep our rituals going, which is great.  Sir Raven is doing lovely things still, like texting me every day just to see how i am.  i really appreciate it, that she takes the time in her busy day to let me know she is thinking of me.  

Speaking of a busy day, i’ve had one so far.  i’m slow cooking ribs so we have dinner when we get home.  i cleaned out the frig, cleaned the bathroom, made the bed, started working on my very last paper, cleaned the kitchen, and showered.  i needed time for my hair to dry before i go out to meet Sir Raven.

i’m so proud of her.  She is planning so many exciting programs at her branch and i’m delighted to be supporting her tonight.  i had to work all night to get to go today, but it is so worth it.  

Everything is getting better, all of the time.  i think we pay more conscious attention to each other, laugh every day, and depend on each other more.  We also have more s/m and spend time “talking”, as Sir Raven put it.  

Last weekend was really great.  We had a long session that came pretty close to tears for me and this sense of release as all of my tension left my body and soul.  Somehow, finishing this degree seems to have left many of us feeling a bit nostalgic, and many students described their feelings as bittersweet.  i’m surprised to agree with that.  One phase of my journey is ending and a new one beginning.  

i looked up the shelter director this week and called her to thank her for her support.  When i said my name she said, “Oh, yes, I remember you.  You were b…” and I thought she was going to say, “blind” but finished the sentence with “brilliant.”  lol.  We had a lovely chat and caught up.  She is pioneering a pilot program that has supervised visitation for parents who are dealing with domestic violence.  i got to brag about my amazing Sir Raven, and it was all true.  She is the love of my life, and the best relationship i’ve ever been in.  i really wanted to thank her for keeping me in the shelter longer than what was customary and that her work mattered.  She asked if she could send an email out to everyone and thanked me for the cards I send every year.  Of course, i wanted everyone who helped me on this journey to receive my thanks, so I agreed to the email that will go out to shelter staff.  

i feel that Sir Raven and i have put the past pains of poly stuff behind us and are moving forward together.  We are both working hard career wise and have been conscious of keeping each other in the loop about how new experiences are working out for us.  

i was surprised, and delighted beyond words, that Sir Raven is trying to plan to join me for my first residency.  i wasn’t sure how i would manage being away from her for a whole week.  i know, i know.  i’m a Daddy’s girl.  So what!  It will be really comforting to know she is right there and it will be lovely to get to spend time just away together.  In a nice hotel, removed from the constant bustle of daily life.  I know I will be working all day, but it will be so wonderful to come back to her and our normal rituals.  Not to mention, I’m sure I will appreciate being able to blow off steam with her by, uh, “talking” and hopefully some s/m in the mix.  

In other news,

i’m thinking seriously about changing my name legally.  i am having some anxiety issues from having to put my name out there in the public eye, leaving me able to be found again.  i can’t chance that.  Plus, I’m thinking from a professional point of view, that it might be a good thing to be known by a single name.  i dislike the idea of every person knowing me by one name, with another legal name that is very distinctive.  i don’t know.  Sir Raven will decide whatever is best, but i’ve expressed my concerns and we go to great lengths to conceal my identity from past abusers.  

i want to have one single identity, you know?  i was never one to have a “scene name” and all of that.  i’m not ashamed of my life or my sexuality.  i could use a mentor in this regard at this point, i think.  i’m unsure how far i can have a professional life and a scene life within the same identity.  i think that it would feel unhealthy to me to separate them more than what is ethically and morally necessary (like crossing roles with a client or whatever).  

i’ve ever considered going back to my legal name in the scene, should SR decide to not change my name legally.  i’m just putting it in her hands and trusting she will decide what is best for me and us.  

That is true in all ways.  i do trust her to know what is best, or give it thought and make the best decision she can.  i know that i can count on her to help us live with the outcome of her choices, and that i can trust her to make a different decision when things don’t work out as she planned.  

i appreciate all of the work she puts into our relationship.  All of the little things, like buying expensive shampoo and conditioner for me when she noticed i was running low.  Who notices such small details?  Those sorts of things make me feel really lucky.  Not to mention, every time she calls me “baby girl,” my heart melts and feels full of love.  

i have faith in us.  We will keep taking steps, and moving together on our journey.  There is no one i’d rather be on the journey of life with.  i think, in some ways, that the trials we went through have made us stronger now.  More dedicated.  Faster to laugh and forgive small moments.  She shares her feelings more.  We both do.  I can’t imagine my life without her.  

In a few short years, I have accomplished so many dreams and often she was the only person who believed in me.  Well, i believed in myself and i believe in her.  Thank you, Master, for all of your support and guidance.  In three days, i will be the youngest woman in my family to have my degree and be earning a graduate degree.  When i think of that, it is huge, and i’m excited for our future.  

Every step I took in faith has paid off.  

Thank you for being such a good man, for standing by me, and for keeping control and leading me no matter what.  i adore you.

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2 thoughts on “Every step

  1. sofia says:

    Hey, sweet Jade,

    Sorry i’ve been MIA here – i have been reading though, and am so, so glad that you and Sir Raven are on track and exploring new space. 🙂

    much love,

    sofia

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