A wee bit overwhelmed

So, they had us watch a one hour long promo of what is coming at us in the Master’s program, replete with several exhortations to “embrace our new identity.”  It was said so many times that i was thinking that it should become a drinking game.  Which was only funny because i don’t drink generally.  

It made me think of my conversation with Sir Raven last night, and my anxiety surrounding the eventuality of my name and identifying information being available through a google search.  i hate the idea of my mother or the demented ex even knowing where i am, what i’m doing, or anything else in relation to me.  And i don’t know how rational this line of thinking is.  i’d like to think that it would pose me no problems but i haven’t passed the five year mark yet, and that is how long the demented ex waited before to find me again.  So, there is that.  I will trust my mother on the day i learn she is dead, and will require proof of that.  i hope they are all happy, actually, because happy people tend to not be so interested in causing others misery.

i’d like to not have to consider any of this, actually.  i really would.  It’s not as if i don’t have enough to focus on between Codes of Conduct, Professional Comportment (which i imagine does not include drinking games), and the tension that comes from hoping i won’t fuck up anyone’s mental health.  Heh.  No pressure.  

The residency sounds like a real pain in the ass.  i’ve been visualizing it being successful, enjoyable, and being able to control my pain levels enough to not gauge out anyone’s eyeballs in our mock group therapy sessions with each other.  

The only saving grace is my rock, Sir Raven, who will be cozily in a bed on her computer while i work to make her proud.  It has just occurred to me that if i get hauled off for what they are calling “Remedial Skills program” (for the dunce students) she will be aware of that and right there to be pissed.  Yep.  Maybe some more visualizations are in order.  

i imagine that it’s fairly normal to be a bit nervous about all of this.  If i wasn’t concerned about fucking someone’s head up, that probably wouldn’t be a good sign.  Our helpful intro guy said he picked a drug rehab to work in specifically because he figured they had already messed their own lives up enough that he couldn’t hurt them much.  Heh.  He quickly realized that he did have the skills he needed and just had to get past the anxiety the first week or two.  Good to know.  Though i seriously don’t have the patience required for helping addicts.  i’ve done enough of that in life, thanks very much.  

Anyhow, Sir Raven said i could legally change my name if it would help.  It’s such a weird thing to name yourself.  She is zip help in the name department, which i am frustrated by.  i should change my name to Princess, since she said she’d go with anything i picked.  That sounds good, right?  

I was also thinking that i need to figure out a plan to manage my stress levels, which i need to include exercise, yoga, and eating more consciously.  Writing helps as well, so it is a part of my plan.  It’s a rule to take a nap every day and i honestly find it to be a Godsend, even though i have moments of childish irritation at the idea of napping.  Like a baby who doesn’t want to go down for a nap.  Heh.  

i’ve already asked Sir Raven to please consider bringing anything (yes, i mean it) to beat me with because i will likely appreciate that a lot at the residency.  Heh.  It’s six days of intensive stuff and a little decompress would be nice.  i am also hoping she is planning on fucking my brains out at some point because we will actually get to be in a hotel, alone, without outside demands on one of us.  There is a swimming pool, which i’m delighted by.  Super excited about that.  i’m trying to focus on as many positive things as i can because there are times that i feel overwhelmed.  

Name change ideas, anyone?

Is it crazy or what?

(i like Mia, Alexis, or just doing my last name to something less conspicuous).


6 thoughts on “A wee bit overwhelmed

  1. sofia says:

    Omg, i’m such a dumbass – i started reading this and couldn’t figure out why you were going to a program for Master’s – i mean, i figured you were going with SR, but why would you feel overwhelmed about it?


    Ok, having gotten through that – on to the name-picking – hmmm. i don’t care too much for Mia – just makes me think of Mia Farrow or Mamma Mia. yeah. i like Alexis. But i like Jade too. Do you want a certain meaning for your name? i don’t think i know your last name so i can’t help you figure out what goes well with it. But how fun! i like picking names.



  2. jadescastle says:

    (giggles) Oh Sofia! You just made me laugh so hard i almost fell of my playpen (the chaise). Um, if i was going to a M/s Master’s class where they were telling ME to “embrace my new identity”…that would not go over well here with SR.

    Alexis means “helper” and “defender” and i’m both of those things.
    Sir Raven likes Alyssa. It means “joy” or “noble kind.”
    What do you think of Alyssa Jade?
    Alyssa Alexis sounds a bit odd together, right?

    The only thing i don’t love is i can imagine how often people will respond with calling me Melissa, just like they aren’t listening and think i said my name was Jane.
    But oh well.

    I feel a little crazy about the name changing thing but it could be less complicated later for me, right?

  3. Fiona says:

    I think you…YOU have to be comfortable with your name. The people who matter to you will get it right and those that don’t, don’t matter as much what they are calling you as long as they are respectful. I think if changing your name brings you any comfort, any peace of mind, then why not? Is isn’t worth the stress or worry.


    BTW I think you are brilliant to ask for an implement and insane fucking to help with your stress at the residency. I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly!!

    • jadescastle says:

      Oh, so many hugs back at you. Thanks for putting it into a better perspective. i imagine people who don’t have to live in hiding change their name all of the time, too. Here’s to hoping we are both less stressed during the week!
      Thanks for the vote of confidence.

  4. Roze says:

    Even though this is my first time commenting, I do lurk and read your posts. I for a minute or two was also confused about the “Master” context. But got it now. And best of luck for not screwing people up (though I have no doubt you’ll be brilliant). As for name changes, how about Alexis York (Alexis for the meaning you stated and York in honor of your newly adopted state)? I think that sounds more dignified than say…Grand Concourse. 😉

    Peace n hair grease.

    • jadescastle says:

      Huge, huge hugs. Be still my little heart! Could the Goddess be here?
      Who knew you read here??!!??

      So true about grand concourse. Or you know, Big Apple. Heh.

      She likes Alyssa.

      i can’t believe, BTW, that no one but me likes Mia or Maya. Sheesh.
      It i were a boy, i’d have an easier time of this. It would be Roman or Levi.

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