i have kept nagging at myself, thinking i needed to come here and exhale. And i’ve had nothing to say, really.
i’m fighting being numb, feeling disconnected.
i can only imagine that it is just as not interesting reading about the misery of fibromyalgia than it is to write it. Or have it, for that matter. i don’t want to hear myself whine and bitch about it. i try for no one to know how bad it is and then find myself here, whining on occasion. 😦
Anyhow, i am always trying to come up with something good about having fibro and can never find one damn thing.
Today, i was finished with a paper and turned on some music while i cited it. i found a Dido mix on youtube and i used to have several of her albums. When she started singing, “Look No Further” i could have cried. It was my song to my nephews. i could nearly feel Gabe’s silky curls against my cheek and the warmth of Jacob on my chest, our bodies intertwined.
It was the first time in my life, with them, that my life was not dominated by a feeling of wanderlust.
This is the second time.
All of the minutes and hours before always had this longing to be somewhere else.
i miss people, sure, but there isn’t that constant presence of wanting to take flight, travel, see something new, yearning for a place that felt like home.
The only good thing i can think of about having fibro is it has kept me from having a child of my own. i’m fairly sure i would have done it, come what may, if i were healthy. It would have changed my life entirely, of course, as children do. Maybe because she knows i’d never do it, not in this lifetime, Sir Raven said she would have supported me in having a child. It doesn’t matter, not really, except to me. It matters to me that she would have allowed me that gift, if we could have. Hugely.
Anyhow, the universe is unfolding as it should, right?
Oh, speaking of the universe working shit out, the Marine has found a free reader for me. i don’t know any details but it would be an enormous gift to have that. Somehow, anything to do with technology for the blind is very expensive. Sir Raven will allow me to accept it, which i appreciate a great deal. i don’t know any details, because my Marine wrote to SR about it but i can wait. i’m super excited and so full of gratitude for something new that could help.
i spent much of yesterday sleeping so i have all of Monday chores to do and killed the morning sleeping in with Sir Raven. i wish the water would get hot because i’d about kill for a shower right now and the goodliest Master is finally going to dye my hair! Yay! i am sick to death of white hair. It was funny when i started turning grey at 21, but at 35, its not funny anymore. Her black won’t crack and mine is! Boo! Boo Hoo Hoo Hoo! i have to use face creams and stuff now, because sheesh. It’s a lot of pressure when you are standing next to her sexy ass. Just sayin’
Oh…we have been invited to do some demo thing for the Lesbians. It should be easy enough for me to get what i want out of it, namely to make at least one of the Welsley girls to barf or cry during it. Or both. That would be fine also. They are so fucking uptight, i swear. So, it should be pretty easy for them to freak out if we just treated the demo like a fun Saturday night. 😛 We haven’t had one of those in a minute and even though we both agreed we need it, well meh. i feel pretty much nothing, which could be where the numb/disconnected feelings are coming from. i’m not sure it’s better than the stages of grief happening inside of me. i’m not sure it’s worse either.
It’s better for her.