Got Pride?

We had a glorious, if too short, weekend.  Poor Sir Raven had to work Saturday and came home tired.  i had a sudden silly inspiration before she came home to set up a table in the living room, so we could eat at a candle lit table together.  i had been thinking that she might enjoy it and, if she did, i could do it on Saturday’s for her.  She eyed the table with suspicion, for a moment, as if waiting for me to confess some naughty behavior like the time i broke her Depression-Era glass bowl.  

We enjoyed our meal and just spending quiet time together, talking.  Afterwards, i took off the table cloth and returned the folding table to it’s place in the kitchen.  She had to help, because the legs are hard to close, but she didn’t mind.  🙂

Sunday, we had a late breakfast and Sir Raven streamed pride from NYC and San Francisco, letting me watch the finer points while getting homework done.  i poured her white wine and made a snack plate of cheese, crackers, grapes, and summer sausage.  i made brownies, for later, and had her favorite gelato in the frig.  She enjoyed time on the phone with friends and watching pride.  When i started to take a break from work and a shower, she called me to her.  “What are you doing, girl?”  i stopped, mid way from taking my nightie off and faced her, wondering what the right answer was.  “I was going to shower but…” and let my voice trail off.

Her hand went around my throat for a delicious moment, her teeth grazed my shoulder, and she led me to the bed.  She ripped my lace panties down the ass and began to warm my skin with her heavy flogger.  Unused to the sensation, but enjoying the warmth turning to heat inside, i let myself relax into it.  Her canes hit with deliberation and it felt like welts were forming when she calmed me with her hands.  Even though she hit me with her hands, it made me calmer, relaxed me back down so i was ready for more pain.  It felt so good, so right, so us.  i never saw the knife, but felt her cut my panties off, exposing me for more.  Expertly, she made me cum so fast and hard that i could not manage to speak for several minutes, which she took advantage of by beating me harder.  

After, i got her shower ready and waited my turn.  The shower was sheer bliss, reviving me after our fun.  We went back to watching Pride, having snacks, and enjoying our day.  i also did homework before i asked for a break.  Sir Raven brought home Disney’s “Frozen” for me and we had brownies, fresh strawberries, and vanilla ice cream in bed.  After I cleaned up the kitchen again, i dropped off Rasberry Iced tea and laughed at the remains of my panties, on the floor.  i told her she should take a photo because with the panties, wine glass, candles, and bits of uneaten strawberries in a chocolate glaze on the plate told about one way to celebrate pride.

There was a poem about Lesbians, enjoying their love on the fourth of July, called, “Lesbian Bed Day” and i thought of it as i cleaned up and put the roasted chicken in the oven for dinner.  We had lovely day and hope everyone felt the same love and pride we feel in each other.

Thank you, Master.

Broken Open

i’ve been thinking, for several weeks, about coming home here to write.  Sir Raven has made mention a few times that i should get back to blogging.  It helps tremendously.

i feel obligated that i should somehow explain my long absence but all i can bring myself to say is that i was stuck inside of a tremendous nightmare for awhile: terrified, sick, shamed, sinking down without end.  In my fevered state, my blind fear, i finally got one breathe of air which i used it to cry out to my Master.

And she saved me.

i had to work to get well again, of course.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  

 Sir Raven watched me carefully, day and night, eager to offer me aid any time i stirred even a little.  She held me when i cried, took me to the dentist and oral surgeon to remove a very painful abscess, and monitored my health.  She carefully allowed me out of the house after a time because she was concerned about the lack of fresh air or outside interactions.  It all worked together and i slowly began eating, sleeping, speaking again.

My health is getting better, slowly.  When i am exhausted suddenly, i wryly remember “long is the way, and hard is the road, that leads from the darkness to the light.”  And that is where i have been.  Moving.  From the darkness to the light.

Every day, now, there are moments that i am thinking that i’m glad to be alive again.  

Simple moments.

Kneeling at her feet each night, cooking in the sunny kitchen, her hands in my hair, when she reaches out to hold my hand on the train, her body reaching out for me in our sleep again.

i love my Master and i need her.  

Lots of lovely things have happened in the last several weeks.

i helped my best friend move (yeah, with the abscess) and she surprised me with an early birthday gift of a pandora bracelet and a “forever friends” charm we share.  i was so touched that i got teary in the store.  It was so lovely of her and it’s special to share something tangible together.  

On the train, little girls were talking about their friendship bracelets and we looked at each other and giggled, because we were both thinking the same thing: our’s were so much better!

Karida took me to the Met on my birthday, which was my first trip ever.  It was so amazing, especially because they put real effort into programs for people with various forms of disability.  As a result, i got to touch sculptures!  Yes.  It was pretty funny, because a non disabled older women was aggressively and loudly complaining about “how it wasn’t fair.”  My guide went over to her and very quietly told her that what actually wasn’t fair was the i was legally blind and having someone complain about my attempt to enjoy my own birthday.  Heh.  Karida was a wonderful and sensitive guide, which had to be hard in a strange and crowded place, but she never complained.  My heart is so full of love for her doing this for me.

Sir Raven made good on her extra special treat offer to take us to Alice’s Tea House, one of my favorite places in NYC.  She was in a leather-induced frenzy state from Karida and i doing her chaps when she made the offer.  Sort of like when you blurt out things in the heat of passion except with two littles involved.  It was really a lovely tea, with fresh scones, and i got wings this time!!  😀  Karida took pictures and Sir Raven floored me with birthday gifts: charms for my bracelet which she bought herself.  Let me explain why this is a big deal.  Her Butchness will not even go into Sephora but will summon the woman from the door to get her lotion and then go to pay.  So, imagine her in the estrogen infused environment that is Pandora!  She choose two blingy spacers, a tea pot, and (my favorite) a teddy bear.  Karida, who had already done so much for me, bought me a tea cup charm so i could always remember our special day.  

i’m so spoiled!  

We also spent the weekend before together, going to LPN and Folsom!  What fun!  My friends helped me get through the crowd while Sir Raven held court at the MAsT table and i managed to secretly get her a leather bow tie!  How sexy is that?  

i packed a extra yummy picnic with summer sausage, cheese, carrots, grapes, strawberries, humus, crackers, and white wine.  We enjoyed our little picnic and, of course, the views!  It was a really nice crowd.

LPN was hot too, but in a different way.  We enjoyed ourselves and all of the hard work others put into making it a success.  We got close enough to the stage for me to see some of the drag queen bling.  i do so enjoy watching Sir Raven, totally at ease with her masculinity, complimenting the queens.  

With all of the fun, there has also been work.  A few hard conversations.  An appointment made for a therapist.  Medicine changes.  i’m very, very behind in school and am honestly struggling hard.  My focus isn’t at the level it needs to be.  i know in my heart i deserve to be punished for several things and it takes all of my strength to not beg her on my knees for the strap.  She isn’t ready yet and i have to steel myself to wait.  In the meantime, i’m trying to do the best i can and be gentle with myself for it not being fast enough or good enough.  We have talked about it and Sir Raven has agreed to move back into that direction, because it is what is best for our relationship.  We are also looking forward to some down-time soon for some over-due s/m fun.  😀

i’d like to give a shout out to Karida, who has started her own blog, and it’s fantastic!

http://submissionandthecity.com/