“I’m the Decider” – Sir Raven

i walked the mile and a half or so to the pharmacy. i went into a shoe store because i’m needing some new shoes. i know Sir Raven’s basic parameters for shoes for me (check the tread, the heel needs to be a wedge type) but not well enough to buy them even if they can be returned if the Decider doesn’t approve. i’m tense walking the aisles, frustrated in an unfamiliar store, unable to see prices or find help. i leave without shoes.

She sent me out for bed sheets a few weeks ago and we were totally disappointed. i dug through TJ Maxx and found organic cotton, 500 thread count sheets at an excellent price. Delighted, i purchase them, along with some small things for Sir Raven. i found a great leather-bound book for note taking at MSC that reads “Notes for World Domination” on the cover. You have to have a sense of humor! 🙂
i leave everything in the bag, and i always feel a bit nervous somehow, awaiting her pronouncement that she will allow whatever i have bought. Until then, it sits in the bag, awaiting approval.

She is a person whose love languages are service and tokens, so it matters to me to choose well, and buy things she will really enjoy having. i found a really nice leather travel kit for her and our upcoming MSC trip.

i don’t often buy things unusual or not expressly needed for her or the house. She teases me when i do and i feel slightly embarrassed, even though i have spent time considering carefully if i think she will be pleased about everything i buy. Even the food or cleaning supplies or bath products. i buy for her sensibilities, smell preferences, rules on how many cleaning supplies i should have in the house at a time.

i was delighted beyond words that there is a Starbucks i can walk to now, and i was even happier that i had not gone over my three cup quota and could get a frappe. Fantastic.

My days are consumed with thoughts of her pleasure, her wishes, her rules, her. It is as it should be.
i doubt she realizes how much effort i put into the running of her home, adjusting my ideas of what is sensible or attractive to match hers. Because i’m always thinking about money, i often buy her tiny treats, and keep bits of her favorite chocolates and snacks by her chair. TJ Maxx may require a lot of digging but you can find very nice things so i’m glad it is there so i can get her treats that aren’t food or bought online. i never feel like i could do enough to show her the depth of my adoration and love. i make sure she knows and i know that my work and service communicate love to her. There is just no way to match my feelings and gratitude for her Mastery.

Every night, in bed, i thank her for something. Last night, i just told her that i’m a lucky woman, and i know it. 🙂

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Thoughts on rules

Karida asked me about my rules the other day and it led me to think about it a lot. Basically, what we have most of here is expectations. When those aren’t met the way Sir Raven intends, there are rules put in place to change the outcome.

The prime directive is to protect the property and comes before everything else except to serve the dynamic first.

So, if Sir Raven would like to have extra bottles of water in the house but i can’t carry them that day, i am protecting the property and it’s a perfectly valid reason to not do it.

Many rules, as i said, came about when she discovered i needed specific direction to follow an expectation. As a result, there are a lot of rules around my health because just telling me to take care of my health left me with too much wiggle room to avoid things like eating during the day, sleeping enough, or getting my meds before the 11th hour. Those things became rules.

Protocols and rituals help support the dynamic, overall, because they don’t exist independent of the other person and their ability to take that moment and notice. i can remember attending a Boot Camp for Tops and bottoms when the question of “what is a protocol?” left damn near everyone stymied. Suddenly, we were a group of forty strong afraid to raise our hands and give the wrong answer.

Sir Raven defines a protocol as “When X happens, do Y.”
So, i walk to her right side whenever we leave the house.
When i get off the train, i pause and wait for direction from her, even if i know where we are going.

Rituals support our dynamic, and while we don’t have a ton of them, they serve to bring us together and are my way of clearly showing her that i value her control.
Each day, i have an alarm on my phone, that we call the “get ready for Daddy!” alarm. It is set to give me a reminder an hour before her homecoming and one that is aligned with her leaving work. i check on the house, light altar candles, fix my make up and hair, shower again if i need to, meditate, and greet her with a kiss, chilled white wine and ice water.

i spend time sitting at her feet, offer her slippers, and listen to her day and am prepared to recite the details of my own day.

It brings us closer, in part because she knows exactly what to expect, and my focus is entirely on her.

I have morning, afternoon, and evening chores so my day is divided and gives me a chance for breaks, homework, exercise, and meditations. It also gives Sir Raven a predictable outcome because she knows if i plan on doing anything different, for example, needing to go to the pharmacy. She gives approval for unusual events, but otherwise i’m free to do my normal errands and chores.

i always thought that because each person is different, it didn’t make sense to create a one-size-fits-all approach to rules, protocols, or rituals. It makes sense to me that Sir Raven has a single vision, for example, for the Household to support the health and harmony of all members. There isn’t a way for the Household to enjoy good health is a single member isn’t healthy. The rules to support that health should vary according to what the member needs, even though the expectation is that all household members report their needs to the Master, at all times.

i have to report health issues, big or small, daily. Even when it bothered me when Sir Raven said i “complained more” in the humidity of the Summer months. i strive to never complain and it can be hard for me to just say i’m not feeling well because it feels like a complaint. So, it’s a rule to report, no matter what i feel about being polite and not mentioning that i feel like i’ve been run down in by a semi truck that day.

For someone else, it could be a rule to support their health by finding good health care or taking the time to journal every day. All of these things support the overall vision but keeps Sir Raven in control. A one size fits all approach tends to diminish the control of the Master and leaves little time to figure out what each person needs to align themselves to the vision of the Household.

Afterall, a Master doesn’t want to end up a slave to their own manual. 😛

Ebb and Flow

My life is the same as any other woman’s…
except, i am usually smiling when i’m working hard, happy to be of use.

Someone suggested, and i love her for saying this, that i feel a need inside of me to do that for anyone astounds her. i have to be of use. It drives me. i need the control tight around me, something unspoken of in words.

The first time our fingers touched, i knew we had been together in another lifetime. i was beautiful then.

Master, i am endlessly thankful that you are such a wonderful provider. It’s hard to stop thinking of money as something that is scary to spend on myself, but i’m working on it. And i haven’t smuggled in extra cleaning bottles since you are not a micromanager but control the shit out of that and that is the one thing i’d be inclined to buy constantly because i do clean a lot. And i like variety.

She tells me to put something in my wish list, and i comply with curvy girl models in little baby dolls and nighties. Heh. What the hell, frankly i walk around in them 90 percent of the time in the summer. She likes variety too.
😛

My life is full of moments of laughter, and our hands reaching across the table, my hand quietly resting on her thigh on the train when it seems safe enough, deep talk and silly gossip. We hug each other with a new knowing, and touch each other with a longing. i think about how i want to paint her body every day.

She sees me in pain, in exquisite angry pain that leaves me exhausted. She gets sympathy pain and i spend time in meditation and there is still so much joy in my life. Sir Raven amazes me all of the time. i have always felt so proud and humble to say i was her slave, her property, her wife. The joy i feel in those words. Sometimes, she says “baby girl” and “good girl” and i melt. i’d walk through hell in back to hear it.

i have.

It was worth it to be home, safe, contained, cherished, and loved.

There are times that it is logistically difficult because i can’t decide anything on my own. i have input. i do research. i find deals. But i don’t decide anything of any significance. (And i don’t determine the significance). i don’t want to or need to. There are times that i think it must be frustrating, being The Decider. i’m happy to do the background work. She tells me she doesn’t care one bit about the sales i find, but i figure saved money makes sense.

Also, i’ve seriously got to get it together. i’m gaining weight, i’m freaking out about it, and i’m having some anxiety issues about the pain. Still, i’m very happy in my life other than that and school.

It’s an odd mix, maybe, but i feel gratitude daily.
i also have wonderful friends, who reach out and call me, and forgive the fact that i can sometimes be too shy to call first, even if i’m thinking about them. i’m very lucky.

Lucky

At our last MAsT meeting, the slaves ended up talking about the idea of luck. i pointed out my personal view point, which i give intellectual credit to Maya Angelou, that luck is, “when preparation meets opportunity.”

Sir Raven and i have often mused that had we not done the work when we were alone, we would have never been ready when opportunity comes our way. i’d add to that to say that if i had met Sir Raven five years earlier, i would not have been ready.

i was deliberate to take months of total solitude to my advantage because it was the first time in my life that i had the time to actually focus on me, on what i wanted, liked, needed, wanted to work on. i had several relationships, that i knew going in, were learning steps and not lifelong mates. i’ve been lucky to have a few friends and some people i draw inspiration from daily.

My Master inspires me to want to be better.

i have always felt lucky to be hers, always felt tremendous pride and humility at being hers.

We went through something excruciatingly painful some time back, something i am disinclined to share openly. i think, and Sir Raven agrees, that it has-and will continue to-make us stronger. We are doing the work together.

There is laughter every day, and silly banter, hugs, kisses, warmth, passion, care, warmth, honesty. i am lucky.

i’ve gone out of my way, here, to point out my shortcomings and days that are too long and hard. It’s life and everything in life has an ebb and a flow to it. i feel my pulse, and the ebb and flow of us is there.

i have a life that is one better than i ever imagined for myself, in every way possible. The things that i longed for as a child, i have. Except for children, which i think it would be unfair to them to have with my health conditions. Not to mention, i’m on too many medications to risk a pregnancy.

i think, though, that a part of what i am longing for is a forever family. i think that you can build that without children. i try to focus on the benefits of not having a child on my breast, even if i could, and i know the exhaustion that comes with it. And the price you pay, as a couple, for making that choice. i enjoyed every moment of being a mother to my first child, a blue-eyed boy that what the light of my life, for fifteen years. He couldn’t have been more mine if he had come out of my body. And i felt lucky, to gain the wisdom that comes with being a mother, when i was only 18.

My nephews were my paradise.
i think that my heart longs for them, and i pray that we get that chance in my next lifetime, married to Sir Raven and bearing her children. i also ask for health and wealth for us in this lifetime and the next. i’m never greedy but i feel there is no compunction about asking for help remaining stable.
Sir Raven is an excellent provider, and i’m very lucky in that. She would not have taken a slave here if she could not have provided. There are a lot of luxuries in my life. Access to health care and the ability to buy real fruit and veggies is luxury. i never have to worry about bills being unpaid. i never have to worry about the lights being shut off. i’m thankful for that. And i voice it all of the time. At least once a week, i thank her for being a wonderful provider and tell her how much i appreciate how hard she works.

She always reminds me that i work just as hard for her.

i think this is a major reason i think of us as a team. Even if i am the part of the team who needs a beating to get back on track now and then. 😛

i have a ton of work to do but i needed to come here, let my mind wander, and calm the stress i was feeling. The best way i know to do that is to breathe and remind myself of all of the wonderful things in my life.

i’m safe, on my pink playpen, with my special pillow and blankets and stuffed animals.

When i feel anxiety rise, it calms me to remind myself that i can trust her to make the final call. All i need to do is obey, be more open, and do what i can to make myself more comfortable. Sometimes, that means a meds change. Right now, that means some rest.

The tell

Sir Raven and i have been talking about her giving me “a tell.”

My Master gets a ton of credit and trust from me because there are ways that she knows me better than i know myself.

She says i have “a tell” for pain, for exhaustion, for pleasure, and in my sleep.

To even more credit due her, i know her’s as well.
i think that we have become very adept at knowing what the other person needs or what would make their day brighter.

For her, it’s my service, and that fills me with more joy and pride than anything in my life. This is the first relationship where there was absolutely nothing more important to me than my relationship.

No children (though i will always have a longing there, which i handle by reminding myself that she would allow it, knowing i never would).

i have less than zero interest in having any friendships that are not with people who live, or want to live, as i do.

i will cut off people who are critical of it. Realistic is good, important even, becomes everyone needs a mirror from other people they trust. Necessary, even. i love friends who love me enough to tell me i was wrong. i see that as a sign of trust in a way nothing else can. You can be realistic, i think, but not critical.

In “my sleep” i literally tell. i talk, moan, whimper.
Move around. Readjust. Sometimes, like last night, i was up and down five or six times. i thought about sleeping on my playpen, but quickly rejected that ideas because i know she expects me back in her bed.

i do give everything i have and i think she does as well.

Even in dark days, she still had control, took control, was responsible, took care of me. Even when i didn’t deserve her protection.

There have been many times, i thought later quietly, “i would have just beat that girl just now if i was Sir Raven,” as i tried to make myself invisible and get of the way.

i see it in her eye’s now, in a different way.
Something intense. Plus, she is so stunning to look at, it’s hard to put into words to me. She is smart, funny, an excellent provider.

i’m pampered.
Expensive jewelry, sunflowers in all of their glory, shoulder massages, being sent out for a pedicure and manicures, access to fresh produce, a home.
This is the only place i’ve ever been that felt like a home in my whole life.

Sir Raven is my home. i hope my eyes always show that. i enjoy so many laughs, jokes, hugs, touches, silly movies, caresses, doing the “work” with you. My life is full of wonderful moments, great experiences, quiet moments where we have a smoke together, watch New York go by, and hold hands. My life is full of moments that she grabs me, roughly, or the gravel in her voice tells me she is warning me. i don’t try to push on that wall. i’m not going to win. And i love her for that.

i’m lucky and i think that every single day.
Plus, she has mad cane skills and a ruthless desire, at times, to push me past tears. You have to push with deliberate attempt and a strong stomach to carry that off. It’s a huge act of trust for me. i trust her to do that again, in her own due time.

i did buy red lipstick last week, a forbidden item unless she buys it, and she never has. i put it on and paraded around that house in that and little else. She leans back on her chair, i feel her exhale, she is flipping the channels and i feel her looking at me. When, finally, she asks about the red lipstick i said, sweetly, “Oh, that, Daddy? That’s my tell.”

She roughly fucked me later, wiping the lipstick off with her thumb, not pleased. In this house, that is practically a coo. Heh.
Master, i love you, adore you, and respect you.