Sir Raven and i have been talking about her giving me “a tell.”
My Master gets a ton of credit and trust from me because there are ways that she knows me better than i know myself.
She says i have “a tell” for pain, for exhaustion, for pleasure, and in my sleep.
To even more credit due her, i know her’s as well.
i think that we have become very adept at knowing what the other person needs or what would make their day brighter.
For her, it’s my service, and that fills me with more joy and pride than anything in my life. This is the first relationship where there was absolutely nothing more important to me than my relationship.
No children (though i will always have a longing there, which i handle by reminding myself that she would allow it, knowing i never would).
i have less than zero interest in having any friendships that are not with people who live, or want to live, as i do.
i will cut off people who are critical of it. Realistic is good, important even, becomes everyone needs a mirror from other people they trust. Necessary, even. i love friends who love me enough to tell me i was wrong. i see that as a sign of trust in a way nothing else can. You can be realistic, i think, but not critical.
In “my sleep” i literally tell. i talk, moan, whimper.
Move around. Readjust. Sometimes, like last night, i was up and down five or six times. i thought about sleeping on my playpen, but quickly rejected that ideas because i know she expects me back in her bed.
i do give everything i have and i think she does as well.
Even in dark days, she still had control, took control, was responsible, took care of me. Even when i didn’t deserve her protection.
There have been many times, i thought later quietly, “i would have just beat that girl just now if i was Sir Raven,” as i tried to make myself invisible and get of the way.
i see it in her eye’s now, in a different way.
Something intense. Plus, she is so stunning to look at, it’s hard to put into words to me. She is smart, funny, an excellent provider.
Expensive jewelry, sunflowers in all of their glory, shoulder massages, being sent out for a pedicure and manicures, access to fresh produce, a home.
This is the only place i’ve ever been that felt like a home in my whole life.
Sir Raven is my home. i hope my eyes always show that. i enjoy so many laughs, jokes, hugs, touches, silly movies, caresses, doing the “work” with you. My life is full of wonderful moments, great experiences, quiet moments where we have a smoke together, watch New York go by, and hold hands. My life is full of moments that she grabs me, roughly, or the gravel in her voice tells me she is warning me. i don’t try to push on that wall. i’m not going to win. And i love her for that.
i’m lucky and i think that every single day.
Plus, she has mad cane skills and a ruthless desire, at times, to push me past tears. You have to push with deliberate attempt and a strong stomach to carry that off. It’s a huge act of trust for me. i trust her to do that again, in her own due time.
i did buy red lipstick last week, a forbidden item unless she buys it, and she never has. i put it on and paraded around that house in that and little else. She leans back on her chair, i feel her exhale, she is flipping the channels and i feel her looking at me. When, finally, she asks about the red lipstick i said, sweetly, “Oh, that, Daddy? That’s my tell.”
She roughly fucked me later, wiping the lipstick off with her thumb, not pleased. In this house, that is practically a coo. Heh.
Master, i love you, adore you, and respect you.