At our last MAsT meeting, the slaves ended up talking about the idea of luck. i pointed out my personal view point, which i give intellectual credit to Maya Angelou, that luck is, “when preparation meets opportunity.”
Sir Raven and i have often mused that had we not done the work when we were alone, we would have never been ready when opportunity comes our way. i’d add to that to say that if i had met Sir Raven five years earlier, i would not have been ready.
i was deliberate to take months of total solitude to my advantage because it was the first time in my life that i had the time to actually focus on me, on what i wanted, liked, needed, wanted to work on. i had several relationships, that i knew going in, were learning steps and not lifelong mates. i’ve been lucky to have a few friends and some people i draw inspiration from daily.
My Master inspires me to want to be better.
i have always felt lucky to be hers, always felt tremendous pride and humility at being hers.
We went through something excruciatingly painful some time back, something i am disinclined to share openly. i think, and Sir Raven agrees, that it has-and will continue to-make us stronger. We are doing the work together.
There is laughter every day, and silly banter, hugs, kisses, warmth, passion, care, warmth, honesty. i am lucky.
i’ve gone out of my way, here, to point out my shortcomings and days that are too long and hard. It’s life and everything in life has an ebb and a flow to it. i feel my pulse, and the ebb and flow of us is there.
i have a life that is one better than i ever imagined for myself, in every way possible. The things that i longed for as a child, i have. Except for children, which i think it would be unfair to them to have with my health conditions. Not to mention, i’m on too many medications to risk a pregnancy.
i think, though, that a part of what i am longing for is a forever family. i think that you can build that without children. i try to focus on the benefits of not having a child on my breast, even if i could, and i know the exhaustion that comes with it. And the price you pay, as a couple, for making that choice. i enjoyed every moment of being a mother to my first child, a blue-eyed boy that what the light of my life, for fifteen years. He couldn’t have been more mine if he had come out of my body. And i felt lucky, to gain the wisdom that comes with being a mother, when i was only 18.
My nephews were my paradise.
i think that my heart longs for them, and i pray that we get that chance in my next lifetime, married to Sir Raven and bearing her children. i also ask for health and wealth for us in this lifetime and the next. i’m never greedy but i feel there is no compunction about asking for help remaining stable.
Sir Raven is an excellent provider, and i’m very lucky in that. She would not have taken a slave here if she could not have provided. There are a lot of luxuries in my life. Access to health care and the ability to buy real fruit and veggies is luxury. i never have to worry about bills being unpaid. i never have to worry about the lights being shut off. i’m thankful for that. And i voice it all of the time. At least once a week, i thank her for being a wonderful provider and tell her how much i appreciate how hard she works.
She always reminds me that i work just as hard for her.
i think this is a major reason i think of us as a team. Even if i am the part of the team who needs a beating to get back on track now and then. 😛
i have a ton of work to do but i needed to come here, let my mind wander, and calm the stress i was feeling. The best way i know to do that is to breathe and remind myself of all of the wonderful things in my life.
i’m safe, on my pink playpen, with my special pillow and blankets and stuffed animals.
When i feel anxiety rise, it calms me to remind myself that i can trust her to make the final call. All i need to do is obey, be more open, and do what i can to make myself more comfortable. Sometimes, that means a meds change. Right now, that means some rest.