Ebb and Flow

My life is the same as any other woman’s…
except, i am usually smiling when i’m working hard, happy to be of use.

Someone suggested, and i love her for saying this, that i feel a need inside of me to do that for anyone astounds her. i have to be of use. It drives me. i need the control tight around me, something unspoken of in words.

The first time our fingers touched, i knew we had been together in another lifetime. i was beautiful then.

Master, i am endlessly thankful that you are such a wonderful provider. It’s hard to stop thinking of money as something that is scary to spend on myself, but i’m working on it. And i haven’t smuggled in extra cleaning bottles since you are not a micromanager but control the shit out of that and that is the one thing i’d be inclined to buy constantly because i do clean a lot. And i like variety.

She tells me to put something in my wish list, and i comply with curvy girl models in little baby dolls and nighties. Heh. What the hell, frankly i walk around in them 90 percent of the time in the summer. She likes variety too.

My life is full of moments of laughter, and our hands reaching across the table, my hand quietly resting on her thigh on the train when it seems safe enough, deep talk and silly gossip. We hug each other with a new knowing, and touch each other with a longing. i think about how i want to paint her body every day.

She sees me in pain, in exquisite angry pain that leaves me exhausted. She gets sympathy pain and i spend time in meditation and there is still so much joy in my life. Sir Raven amazes me all of the time. i have always felt so proud and humble to say i was her slave, her property, her wife. The joy i feel in those words. Sometimes, she says “baby girl” and “good girl” and i melt. i’d walk through hell in back to hear it.

i have.

It was worth it to be home, safe, contained, cherished, and loved.

There are times that it is logistically difficult because i can’t decide anything on my own. i have input. i do research. i find deals. But i don’t decide anything of any significance. (And i don’t determine the significance). i don’t want to or need to. There are times that i think it must be frustrating, being The Decider. i’m happy to do the background work. She tells me she doesn’t care one bit about the sales i find, but i figure saved money makes sense.

Also, i’ve seriously got to get it together. i’m gaining weight, i’m freaking out about it, and i’m having some anxiety issues about the pain. Still, i’m very happy in my life other than that and school.

It’s an odd mix, maybe, but i feel gratitude daily.
i also have wonderful friends, who reach out and call me, and forgive the fact that i can sometimes be too shy to call first, even if i’m thinking about them. i’m very lucky.


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