Peace

The last few days, i’ve felt a bit pensive and grumpy. i suppose it’s my process when i’m trying to work with competing sides of me and i have to work my way around to how Sir Raven wants me to speak, to live, to think, to emote. When something else is added, especially in regards to how i speak, i feel myself want to dig my heels in.

It’s ridiculous.

In my head, the tape starts, the one where i was entirely isolated from outsiders and then told for years that i was likely autistic. And i want to take to my bed for a few days like i used to as a child. i wasn’t alone then. i had books and they were my friends. Knowledge was my friend.

i have a hard time not sharing knowledge because i believe that hording it is a kind of sin.

It’s hard for me to recognize that not everyone is interested in the history of the thing in question.

i think i’m better on the page.

Today, a slowly dawning idea. Somewhere between the sweaty walk to the post office and the botanical gardens for the farmer’s market, i understand. She will always tweak me. It doesn’t mean i did something bad. It’s about her, her need for control, her need for being hard on me (which is at least equal to my need for that level of determination).

It is the way she says i love you.

It is a way i understand, like her belt across my ass, her beautiful marks down my legs.

i made her sauce, and the house smells warm. Italian. A mix of tomatoes, wine, basil, cleaners and candles fill the air.

i fixed my hair, put on some blush and lipstick, mediated, and felt flooded in peace.

i am profoundly humbled to serve my Master. i am genuinely thankful for her corrections, even when i need a minute to wrap my mind around what i need to do. We have come a long way together, in remaking me, rebuilding me.

Sometimes, i look around myself and wonder how we got so far so soon.

i am the sculpture inside that she wants most of all.
i am fighting to get out, longing for the blow that will free me entirely, when i will be her perfect creation.

And then i will offer myself again, for her pleasure.

Thy will be done.

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Night

i am tired but know from experience i won’t be able to sleep yet. Not yet. The feeling of fire running down my back keeps me up, despite the comforting night time sounds all around me. Karida is on our playpen, sleeping soundly. Sir Raven is in our bed, also sleeping. The building has its normal night sounds: other showers running, the upstairs neighbors getting their dog settled down, our television turned down low and another television from below.

My Master kindly let me sleep in this morning and i woke and silently padded into the kitchen for french press. i noted she must have been up for awhile because the french press was tepid. When she was ready to speak to me, she asked how i slept. i offered to fix her eggs but she wanted a greek yogurt instead. We spent some time talking, in part about how i need to work more on my communication skills, paying closer attention to making my tone soft and sweet all of the time. It’s frustrating to me and i want to crawl back into my silence and stop trying. It’s silly and i know that. i just have to work my way around to communicating in ways that please her all of the time. i’ve learned a lot but need to perfect my approach in groups, not letting myself get excited, even if everyone else is.

i think about this off and on as i go about my morning chores. By the time i have washed and put away the clean dishes, swept the house, made the bed twice, scrubbed the bathroom, washed the ashtrays, dusted the living room, and mopped each room carefully, i’ve worked off most of the frustration.

i ate lunch with Sir Raven and took more cold medicine. Then, i went out to do my afternoon chores, which are errands. i go to the pharmacy and get our medicine so we don’t run out of anything and are ready for the Master-slave Conference. i remember some small items i wanted to bring, like the individually wrapped chocolates for when we play and gum to help with car sickness. i remembered to make a trip to the liquor store for Saki to bring and rum for her Ancestors. i took the bus home and stopped at our closer store for the wine Sir Raven likes and put some in the freezer so it would be ready when she wanted dinner.

i spent some time reading Fet, blogs i love, and playing farm heroes. Then i got the evening meal finished, greeted Karida who came home and helped with the corn, and did my evening chores. i got the kitchen cleaned and swept, made Sir Raven’s lunch, set up french press for the morning, brought Sir Raven her medicine and water for the bedside. i was sweaty and heading for the shower when Sir Raven snapped her fingers and i immediately sat at her feet. She tossed down a pillow for me to sit on and waited for me to still myself and my energy before i placed my head on her leg. We both seemed a bit short tempered today. She had an exhausting day yesterday and i’m still sick with a cold, so it was nice to just sit by her for awhile and be still.

When she headed to bed, i did not follow as i usually do. Instead, i went to shower and try to wash away the small frustrations of the day. i checked on her and asked for permission to go the the Farmer’s Market tomorrow and asked if she wanted anything special, other than her weekly strawberry pie. She made sure i had enough money and checked the house card as well and fell asleep right after i thanked her for taking care of me.

Tomorrow, i need to clean out the frig, make sauce, and work on the list for the Master-slave conference. Karida and i need to work out the schedule. i need to prepare lists of what to pack for us and what snacks still need to be purchased to bring with us. i’m hoping the weather is good and that my head doesn’t feel miserable tomorrow and we can take the tram through the gardens. As many times as i’ve been there, i’ve never done that.

Time to settle down, since i’ve just taken more cold medicine (ugh), and see what awaits us tomorrow. Besides pie. And how could the day not go great with pie for Sir Raven? 🙂

Starve a fever, beat a cold…

i’ve been fighting a yucky cold for days. Sir Raven threatened to leave me home when we had plans to go out and have dinner with our M/s friends. She sounds stern when she says, “You will be staying home, girl, if you don’t get better by tonight.” So, i dumped cold meds down all day, got some extra rest, and looked decent enough that she agreed i could go.

i didn’t feel too well, just bad enough to not want to spend the night alone, so i was pleased when she let me go.

Sir Raven had taken me to the big grocery store earlier in the day, so we could find gluten-free cookies to bring for our gluten-free friend. We shopped quickly in the too-crowded store and made our way back home. She didn’t have to do this for me, and i appreciated it, because it was highly unlikely i’d have found a gluten free desert by myself in our normal grocery and that was what i had been asked to bring.

We shared a vegetarian meal of kale and couscous, which was delightful. There was a pretty interesting conversation about fears of loosing your identity when you become a slave, and i think that the difference could be in part if your dynamic is consensual non consent or not. Sir Raven and i are CNC and i discovered that my identity, preferences, values, and pleasures have become so closely aligned with hers that i only have a vague awareness of the likes i had three years ago, before we found each other. Those things don’t matter. What i feel when i think about how i have moved from expressing, “ugh! i’m not a boy!” to my surprised realization that Sir Raven was intending to purchase Doc Martin’s for me three years ago to “Oh! Yay! They are sexy!” now is pride that i have aligned myself “correctly.” It’s a good feeling. A success.

i am surprised, at times, around couples that are not CNC because i accept that how life works here doesn’t include asking my opinion often. i forget that other people do this routinely and expect it as a commonplace event. It’s not that Sir Raven never asks my opinion. She does. But she is is free to ignore it and tell me we are still going to do it her way.

Mostly, it works out really well.

We stayed up talking with our friends til 3am and i made her a breakfast of bacon and waffles when we got home. Alone, we both expressed surprise when we see people behave in ways that would be ordinary, i guess, if they weren’t M/s. We are just really used to me obeying that its a major event when i hesitate.

i was surprised when Sir Raven let me have a single cup of coffee the next day, admitting she felt hung over, but said that it was our Sunday alone and that meant back to bed for a beating. “After I beat you without mercy,” she declared, “you will go out for more bacon because I don’t want sausage.”
Being the greedy Bad Daddy that she is, at long last, meant she changed her mind and enjoyed her eggs, sausage, and bagel hours later, when she was done.
She went to grab for my throat while whipping me and i instinctively bared my throat, accustomed to her grabbing me by the collar, and felt her pull me by the hair across the bed instead. We needed this, the pain, the letting go into each other. Today, my body still carries the beautiful marks.
i love my Bad Daddy, i do. 🙂

Last night, Karida spent the night after work and noted my thighs and then asked to see my ass. Her response, a gasp, made me laugh until she stuck her thumb into various welts and asked, “Does that hurt?” Heh. What are sisters for? She cleaned up the kitchen last night, which i really appreciated, and we watched a movie together. i am always happy to see her. We are making plans for out next adventures, next week, while she is off of work and i’m off school on break. Sir Raven already agreed to it, so we are excited! So are our new build-a-bear sisters, who are coming with us for the fun.

i have to start my afternoon chores late because Sir Raven let me sleep in this morning. The house is clean and dinner is started but i need to do some shopping. She needs wine and i need some veggies to mix in the couscous and chicken i’m making for dinner. i’m going to ask if she thinks i’m well enough today to do some laundry before i go to slave-hell or something but suspect she will tell me no. The goodliest Master wants me well and to not overdo anything while i’m still sick. i’m thankful she cares and takes such good care of me.

Gratitude

Today, i have gratitude for Sir Raven, because she is a good man. A decent, hardworking, brilliant, sexy, funny woman. i have never not loved her. i have never stopped worshiping the Highest Form of who she is. i have never stopped believing in her or having Faith in Her. Quite simply, i literally adore the woman.

And i have gratitude for Karida, who looks simply marvelous in the tub i prepared with the expensive bath salts. She wore her tiara in the tub, and i love her for that, and so many other things.

Then, we wore our Build-a-Bears in matching backpacks all over the streets of Manhattan and gushed over the bling we coveted, in excited detail, all of the way home. We kept laughing, smiling, and it was such a lovely day.

i’m grateful for have enough money to enjoy an entire day, and knowing if i needed to take a cab home. Frankly, with one ring on that was perfection, i felt myself swoon and begin want to BUY THAT BLING. i felt like i needed air. i was actually standing there, mentally calculating what that could mean with the strap, and for a few out of body experience moments i wanted it. Heh. And then i took it off and was thankful for all of the things i have that money cannot buy (and enough luxuries in my life that keep me always thanking her).

Mostly, though, i give thanks for all that money cannot buy, because i know what a gilded cage feels like in life several times over. It’s still a cage.

i am more free here, because i almost always know what to expect.

Today, she was practically smug when i teased her all day about buying random stuff via picture texts. i was totally put out to discover that she never thought i’d do it. Heh.

It’s time for cheesecake

Unfolding

This morning is unfolding slowly, like a lazy Sunday morning spent at home. We luxuriate in the day together. We have shared giggles, about me trying to make the bed like a secret ninja, while she is in the bathroom. i have quiet moments, where i light candles on the house Altars, and i know we are both listening and feeling similar thoughts. We pray for each other, in our own way.

i usually serve her breakfast in bed on a Sunday and always serve snacks during the day. i make sure her water and wine glass are full, ashtrays are dumped and washed, the bathroom is recleaned during the day, the kitchen stays clean, but am otherwise free of chores for the day.

She is a very kind Master. i often think that, actually. i know that she realizes we both had a bad night sleep, because of me. i woke up all night in pain. Evidently the monster made an appearance in surround sound. She might have dimples and curly hair. And might have a name that rhymes with Blade.
i’m not too sure.

There are households i have been in where the unspoken rule was to work from about seven am until midnight, about three quarters of my time. i would have kept working, actually, until i was told to go to bed. i also worked in my education and long, lingering calls to Sir Raven, when we both got too little sleep and woke up with each other on our minds.

Her mind woke up set to S/m.
It still does.
We will make a space for that when the time is right and that will linger too.

i think the extended fibro flare (again!) is why we haven’t. Well, that, and we have been busy. Lots of fun, interesting experiences of couples in the apartments for hours on end. We enjoyed it, but it is a lot for three introverts.

i meditate and consider that this is a service, as much as anything else i do.
i write, and since i share better in writing, that is good too.

i think about random, floating things like,
the way her lips feel on mine and the joy i feel at every touch between us.
She exhilarates me…and

i love that there are books in every room, because i believe they contain energy, both theirs and our own. Knowledge contains energy. This is a physics concept, not really “woo” for me, despite the fact that i also comfortably engage in Ancestor worship (Hers, not my own, except for my Grandmother).

i could not become a Priest in her faith for a variety of reasons, one of them being that should my mother pass into the next life, i would have to make her plates, and i can’t imagine it’s a lovely thing to do that begrudgingly. i don’t want to think of her for that long, for one thing. i waited on her hand and foot for thirty devoted years. i did my time.

i have learned how to let thoughts like that happen, come and go like clouds, without obsession about it. It is what it is.

i feel lucky that i have time to think deeply and feel deeply. i feel lucky to be alive, to be in love, to have good friends that are family.

i feel lucky to get to spend Karida’s birthday tomorrow and we are going to have breakfast in front of Tiffany’s. Yes. i love New York. i say that in every season, every temperature, every pain day, every obnoxious train ride and hour on line. It is work, living here, a different kind of work than Florida. The return is a place that constantly inspires me, makes me feel alive, contains so many happy memories, so many silly traditions.

There have been years that we celebrated every holiday with S/m. i think i may have messed that one up when i wanted her to hurt me on Valentine’s day. Um. Oops. We celebrated Un-Valentine’s Day the next day, which was grand. You give a butch a box of chocolates and a smooshy card (well, okay, there may have been some dick sucking going on too) and they suddenly want to do things. All the things that i love, there was a knife involved, i believe.

And on that note, i have laundry to sort and get washed, a frig to clean out, dusting the house, mopping the house, and dinner prep to take care of. i need to make a list of what i need to purchase for MSC, pick up meds at the pharmacy, and get ready for tomorrow. Yay!

Introversion

We are two introverts, but our home is clearly where two artists live and love. i love that about us and really miss having the time and tools to create together again.

There is a painting i’ve been working on for months in my mind.

This Sunday, though, is finally for rest.

We have coffee in the dark living room. She is in her chair and i’m in my chaise/playpen across the room. She is writing and spends time on the phone with friends. The television is on with the volume turned down, so she isn’t disturbed during her call. i serve her refreshments and wait to clean one room while she is in the others.

This is the silent service that is easy and comfortable.
There is no one i enjoy talking to more than Sir Raven but i also am happy to offer companionable silence. i know there are times she needs that from me. i love hearing her laughter from another room while she is on the phone. She has friends who make her laugh and laughter is definitely a service everyone should offer.

My favorite moment of all time with Karida was when we finally had gotten through several tiny kitchen nightmares together and we were both drenched in sweat and turned to hug each other in a sisterly “i’m so sorry if i was just a total bitch.”

i had turned around over the steaming waffle iron in tremendous Summer heat to note Sir Raven and two other people with her inside of this clausterphobic kitchen. i would have lost it, blurted something like “GET OUT!” softly, if i wasn’t her slave. Instead, i quietly observe that she is “challenging my ability to have a pleasant demeanor.” i finish the sentence before i can stop it coming from my mouth, point out i have already set a plate for her Ancestors, and pass the finished plates to the closet slave, who was fabulous at getting something important done without adding to the stress of that tiny kitchen.

i washed everything up when i was done, while guests ate, and Karida helped with that too. Amazing. i had expected her to sit and picked a moment of ability to get across the room with less people to use the bathroom and fix my hair and powder my face. No one wants to look at a haggard slave, after all. Heh.

i have naturally curly hair that is down to the top of my ass. So it’s quite a fiasco to tamp that down after a sauna. Ha.

We spent today reading, playing games on facebook, writing, resting, talking, and eating humus and fresh fruits.

i love that even though i desperately didn’t want to do stairs today, when we needed smokes there was no question of who would go. i love that even when i am sick, the same standards she applies exist unless she orders me to rest.

She is a kindly Master and sometimes chooses to not send me out to stand on line for an hour for her chips. But we are also both aware she is Master and i have, many times, done exactly that. It makes me happy that she does as she will.

It makes me happy to serve her, wait on her every desire, and quietly enjoy that she is enjoying her day.

Reflecting

This year, i got to help with Sir Raven’s Spiritual Birthday more than ever before. i felt very humbled to do these tasks because i believe that love is a verb, and it mattered deeply to me to be able to express to her, and her Orisha, how thankful i am that i have a family.

Sir Raven is the priest in our home and i care for her Elders, her Family, in the same ways i would if they were still alive on this plane. It is my honor to do so.

i am careful to ask exactly how she wants everything done and pay attention to the smallest details. In this dance, we flow easily, simply, and while i know that it turns her on to watch me absorbed completely in her will, we must wait to be able to have our own private expressions.

There are times that i take the pain as a spiritual act, though we could not plan such a thing out. It happens on it’s own, as the best magic always does. Our intention is intense focus on each other, every breathe and bead of sweat a prayer. The rest just happens.

i can see my improvements from last year to this. i am more confident in my service, calmer, more graceful. i know, because i can feel her eyes on me, quietly proud. That is how we are.

Owing to her Mastery, there is always something to improve, to tweak, to bend.
When i thank her for her efforts in telling me how to be better, i am thankful.
i think of the sculpture of Michaelangelo, and meditate on how i will be revealed best by watching the unneeded parts smoothed away.

We have had many new guests in our home, and last night in bed, i thank her for giving me a home and of so many things to be proud of. There is nothing i am more proud of in my life than being Her’s.

Today, i woke with a migraine. i put on my darker glasses, muddled my way through coffee and a long chat with Karida. i finally remembered to take my migraine pill and we crawled back into the big bed to snuggle and rest. i must have fallen asleep for a bit because she was gone when i woke. She had washed the french press and our bowls and cups. i appreciate her efforts.

After a second migraine pill, i feel i can face the day, and set to work at mopping the floors. i took down a large bag of recycling and shopped for the evening meal, tomorrows meals, and the wine. i had wanted to dust the house and do the laundry today as well, but i know Sir Raven’s priorities and they have become my own. A good wife would have done those other chores. A good slave, at least in this house, obeys her Master’s will.

i am fortunate that my Master cares enough about me to insist i rest and if i had taken the whole day to myself, she would have allowed it. We have had a busy few weeks and little down time to speak of. Even the days she told me to rest i managed to do errands. i really have enjoyed having friends in the house, especially her Godfather and people who are M/s couples.

It matters to me that people we are friends with can see how we live, see our home, and who we are. Even if i did run around flustered yesterday after a long day of errands to make a small buffet of snacks and drinks and ask Sir Raven to please get out from underneath my feet while i mopped the kitchen floor(!)…it was worth it to watch her sit back and enjoy her evening.

It’s funny, but if we were not M/s, it would matter a little less to me to.