Reflections following the Master/slave Conference

i’ve been reflecting since the Master/slave Conference. i noticed that Sir Raven and i have fallen into a pattern of sorts. It seems that when we are alone, and i can call her Daddy, she feels the softness from me and we are more in tune.

When in public, i default to calling her Sir Raven or affectionate terms of endearment.

Since we made it a goal to socialize and enjoy the Conference this year, rather than run from class to class, i had some time to notice some patterns.

Sir Raven responds with intention to slaves in high protocol. Additionally, she has a visceral reaction to hearing, “yes, Master” following orders. Every time a slave did that in her presence, she subtley stood taller and paid attention to that slave. She tuned out when she heard the same reply with the word “Sir” rather than “Master.”

i think Sir Raven might have reached that point in her journey where she is mentally ready for that switch to occur. She admires Masters and is humble enough to maybe not have wanted to place herself among their ranks, even if it was a term of address. Even if it was me, and she knew for sure that she is always my Master.

i am thinking i should bring this to her attention, that maybe one way we could avoid diconnecting and for her to feel my softness is if we used a higher protocol and let me call her Master more often.

Sir Raven has always said that i can call her whatever i want but she has always shied away before from the word Master. Now, something have shifted, and she was responding to hearing it.

One of my goals is to figure out how to not get disconnected from each other and asking for a higher protocol while acknowledging her as Master might help.

i’ve tried saying “Yes, Sir” but we both still associate that with someone else, something else. It doesn’t build closeness. She reacts with some anger,

i’ve tried saying “Yes, Sir Raven” but she seems to tune it out often. Indeed, i will sometimes have to call her several times that way before she will respond. i thought this wasn’t conscious on her part, nor was her responding and paying attention to the word Master.

She is my Master and my Daddy. i am quite inclined to use either term with pride and deference. i always feel humble when i say i am her slave or that she is my Master. This could be a useful way to avoid sounding too forward as well. Sir Raven says that i will sometimes be happily quoting research and be unaware that i sounding like i am speaking “from a seat of power.” That would be rather hard to do if you are feeling humble to begin with.

Maybe it’s a transition she would like for the both of us. i’ve thought about it for a few days, and it seems like it might help with some stumbling blocks we have encountered.

From my perspective, she doesn’t always want to feel close and warm with me. And that is fine, if thats the case. What i am not fine with is feeling suddenly disconnected.

Watching high protocol is like watching a beautiful dance. Like all beautiful dances, the people have to be tuned into each other, have to be focused and aware. Maybe the change of address to “yes, Master” would help the both of us, when she needs a bit of emotional distance to do what needs to be done and we still want to be aware and connected to each other.

One thing i’d really like to have specifically addressed is when i should be speaking. i’m really okay to revert back to being seen and not heard. From what i understand, though, Sir Raven wants to me participate in conversations. Still, there are times she directl tells me to be quiet but then doesn’t think to let me know i can talk again. Later, she will privately tell me what she means is for me to talk less or pause or get my energy together. It seems like it would be helpful if i just knew for sure when to stop and start again rather than trying to figure that out myself.

One slave noted that when she was in high protocol, she was aware of it because she wore additional wrist cuffs. The visual aid might work well for both of us, because it is often a good thing for us to have visual and kinestetic feedback. i wouldn’t have thought of that as an idea. i figured people just said, ‘hey, we are going to be in high protocol in these situations…” or whatever. We are both visual people and kinestetic people. Maybe we need to develop our own hanky code way to communicate on this.

It would be helpful for me to have a way to indicate that i might be aware that i need to be on a shorter leash at times as well.

Speaking of a shorter leash….school has started up again. i’m aware that i am going to need greater support, in light of last semester. It’s a huge blow and i’m feeling insecure. i tried to talk to her about it, about needing to understand how that will work. Basically, i was looking for greater structure and what works for me in this regard is punishment. i’ll figure out how to avoid the strap, even when i’m pretty damn sure that the paper i’m writing is crap. All Sir Raven said was that i should be able to do it on my own, basically.

The theme of this Master/slave Conference was “Creating Our Reality” and what i heard from every Master and slave couple was that if a slave needed something to give the Master all of them, the slave got that security. One Master remarked that she did not use punishment because her slave needed the security that he wouldn’t be punished for being ADHD. Another remarked that he did because that is what worked for his slave. They both had ADHD but had different needs for feeling secure. In the latter case, the Master said that the slave was never punished for having ADHD but for not using the tools available and that work (a list, a chart, their shared calendar). Hearing this helped me forgive myself for being human and having needs of my own. i didn’t realize that i had some teeny place there that still felt bad when something i need requires effort from my Master.

These kinds of relationships are work. i can’t feel guilty for asking her to work at it any more than i would want her to feel guilty for asking me to work at it. We are both responsible for the energy and intent we bring to our interactions.

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One thought on “Reflections following the Master/slave Conference

  1. karida says:

    “i can’t feel guilty for asking her to work at it any more than i would want her to feel guilty for asking me to work at it. We are both responsible for the energy and intent we bring to our interactions.”

    Some of the most important things I have learned and have come to understand have come to me through time and conversations at either MAsT or at the LeatherFirst Book Club meetings. I remember asking Sir Josh to explain to me the concept of “fair” vs. “equal” at one of the book club meetings. He said something to the effect that in hierarchical relationships the power or authority is purposely unbalanced and that it was fair as long as both persons needs were being taken care of. I am sure this realization totally doomed a relationship I had at that time… 😛

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