i’ve been wanting to write here for weeks. It’s just been so busy, while i was trying to keep my head above water scholastically. Grad work is not hard per se, but time management with so much to do really is. i’ve had a few glorious days off, and i have noticed how stressed my brain is. i keep thinking, with a panic feeling, “something is due. Something is due.” And then i blissfully recall that nothing is due.
i’ve been off for less time than my classmates, because i needed extra time for finishing a term paper, for the first time ever. i ended up needing to take one class over (groan) and made a “B” in the other. i was nearly weak with relief when i saw the “B.” Funny, coming from a perfectionist.
Sir Raven has done a tremendous amount to help take my stress level down over time.
She expressed a desire to have me be fully open, fully vulnerable, to her again. i wondered how i would do this and i worried that i would not be able. Right on cue, though i’m thinking it’s part coincidental, my back went out in rare form. i could barely walk, get out of chairs, or bend. The first day, i pushed through, and we went to a friend’s house. It’s a good thing we went, as they gave me some medicine that let me keep moving a little bit. Sir Raven had to help me do most everything for about a week. We live in a walk-up building, and i couldn’t get down the stairs for days. It’s pretty hard to not feel vulnerable when you need another person to help you do almost everything. i was in too much pain to feel anything but gratitude for Sir Raven. i mused that another person may not be willing to help me or deal with a person who does little bit curl up in a ball and pray for three days.
Sir Raven rented a car as well and we shopped for food together, which was a rare treat. She wanted me to be able to do the trip in relative comfort and wanted to buy heavier items and meats in bulk, so i needed to carry less and make fewer grocery shopping trips. She also let me go down the cleaning supplies isle and choose what i wanted. Oh, the bliss. i happen to *love* cleaning supplies.
We also talked about the part of us that is Daddy/girl. i asked if a visual cue might help us, so that i know i can ask for affection and not be pushed away. i can handle that as a woman. My inner five year old, however, is hurt when it happens too often. So, she bought me a lovely blingy bracelet with charms and pink beads to wear. We are still trying it out. i’m a bit gunshy about asking for too much affection but have noticed that it reminds me, at least, to keep my heart open.
We kind of got goaded into an unfortunately long conversation with a friend, who pushed to find out what it was like for me to get physically pushed away. Who wanted to know what it felt like and if i ever got held. i realized, too late, that the conversation wasn’t productive for us. i find that when faced with a problem, i focus on the problem exclusively. i don’t think to verbalize credit where credit is due, because i reason that i do this on a daily basis (and i do). i don’t consider emotions when i’m thinking about a problem. It ends up hurting her, making her feel invalidated. i need to work on that. It certainly did nothing to make her want to hold me, which is what would mean to most to me when i’m sick and in pain.
Honestly, since my wall has come down, and i’m vulnerable again, Sir Raven has responded with frequent touch. Quick hugs or squeezes, touching my hair, holding my hand. It’s very nice, and very noticed. i really should have pointed these things out, rather than focusing on what or when she doesn’t do something. When she calls me “baby girl” or tells me i’m beautiful, i absolutely melt inside. It’s like my cryptonite.
She also noted how much i do around here, which was pretty obvious when i was out of commission for days. The recycling and garbage piled up. The tub was dirty. The floors dirty. Everything was dusty. It was a real mess in just a few days. It made me feel good that she noticed because i do work hard daily to keep her home the way she likes it. She also pitched in and helped, making the bed and cooking dinners. It was hard for me to accept, actually, and the only way i could do it was to think of her as my Daddy. Somehow, that made it a bit more okay.
Sir Raven also planned the perfect date yesterday. We went out together, alone, to the Lion’s Library. It’s one of my favorite places in New York. i like thinking about the men who were locked inside with their fancy cigars until they saw the light. i like thinking of Carrie, in her tremendous wedding dress, coming down the marble stairs. i like thinking of that we are in one of the safest buildings in New York, one that would survive a long time after people, should we all die out.
i love the Lions, and always remind her that i married the Beast and got this library. Heh.
i also love their gift shop, which is where Sir Raven buys Christmas gifts for me. Yesterday, she replaced my ring i can no longer where (chemical sensitivity issue from the meds reacting in a way that makes the finger raw). She chose a lovely wedding band, a posey ring that reads, “You, and no other” in 15th Century French. It’s perfect. i was also thrilled that they had exactly one stuffie Lion, which is now ALL MINE. We decided he must be Fortitude, since i already have Patience. i’m so delighted. They also had the full cast of Classic Pooh, and for a moment it was hard to choose. Daddy said i can only have one, while i had my arms full of friends, hugging all of them at once. Classic Pooh and Classic Eyeore are the cutest! However, i had to choose the Lion, since i’ve been waiting for it for three years. We saw one on our first trip there but i evidently had less girl charms that day or something. Heh.
Since Sir Raven doesn’t believe in Christmas, i get my gifts early! Horrah! She let me carry my lion with me in my hands, and we sat outside the building later. She put my ring on my finger, and we joked about it’s meaning. i suggested it meant i was the only wife she could have (me, and no other). She joked it means that she will share me with no one (true that). i get her, and no other. It kind of delights me, her possession of me, even if there are moments that i’d love to explore outside of us. It passes. The feeling of being totally taken, that she owns me, that my body exists only for her pleasure….that is the kind of thing that always feels good, that kind of possession feels like love. It’s the reason i love wearing a locked collar. i love the symbols of being, of existing, only for her.
When i engraved her cuff, i chose the same sentiment. i don’t know if she thought of that at all, when she choose this particular ring for me.
She is the One for me.
Then, we met friends for sushi and sake. We haven’t done that in quite awhile, and it is such a relief to be around friends who naturally “get us.” i don’t have any non M/s people in my life, but there are degrees of M/s. So, being in the company of another Master and slave who are CNC feels good. It’s nice to feel comfortable as we have similar protocols. She gets away with more, because she is more like a boy, and boys will be boys. Heh. It was just a really nice, hours long, lunch. If Sir Raven had not had to work today, we’d have ordered more saki, and drank til she wanted nothing more than to come home to beat and fuck me. We had to stop short of that (boo!) but she did graciously allow me two sodas! And frozen yogurt, once the Master’s conversation lingered the better part of an hour after we left the sushi place. The upside of the large tips the Master’s leave is that we are left in peace to eat and drink and talk for hours on end inside. Eventually, however, they needed the table and we took our leave. The Master in our company suggested the frozen yogurt shop, because he knows i love it, and it gave us all a place to sit and continue the talk. i think we met them around 3pm, and we got home at ten. Thankfully, i had cleaned up the house before we left and gone shopping. That way, Sir Raven had her favorite snacks on hand to nibble on when we got home and wound down a little bit before we went to bed.
i took my new, soft stuffie to bed and had him in one arm, and Frederick in the other. i am one spoiled little girl! And best of all, in the middle of the night, when i woke, her arms were around all of us tightly.
Thank you, Master.
i am indeed Yours, and no other’s.
i’m so glad you made me open back up to you and your will.
i love and adore you.