Faith

She asked me to have faith.
Faith isn’t something you can try to do or give.

It is the hardest thing for her to have asked me for.

She was right, of course.

i’ve been unwell for awhile, days building painfully, always feeling like my body is trying to fight something. As strange as it may seem, that has helped because it does literally make me vulnerable. Physically and eventually emotionally, as it takes it’s tole on me.

She asked for faith and vulnerability.
For my little girl to come back.

She asked for faith about the collar, about changes she has planned that i don’t know anything about.

It helped tremendously that the collar is back, tarnished as it may be from me and our combined pain.
Hopefully, it will be replaced. In the meantime, i have faith.

My trusting, whole-hearted, adoring little girl is back.
The house is full of laughter again.

Our walls have started to come down and i realize that this means she is vulnerable too.

i feel a sense of responsibility for making sure she doesn’t get hurt.
i tried to explain this, on the train, and did a lousy job of it. And i’m too tired to do a better job, here.

She asked for the hardest thing and i gave it to her.
It took me time and i imagine she had to have some faith, too. That i would or could come back inside.

It helped that she beat me and i cried a little. It wasn’t the cathartic jump off the cliff we both need but it was a strong step in that direction. It’s a very hard thing to make me cry. i love that she is able to moreso than any other person i’ve ever known.

Maybe we are done suffering for each other and are able to move forward.

When we went to a drum together, i could feel her across the room, watching me and feeling joy. Pride. i think that helped as well because a life without experiencing spirituality is no life at all, to me. i just think that there are endless ways a person can experience spirituality and few have to do with anything organized.

How can you have faith without your spirit?

Things are getting better day by day, despite a lot of little girl disappointments.
Sir Raven was actually going to take me to Build-a-bear. i wanted a wolf with a message she recorded for me, so that when i needed to hear something positive or loving, it was there. And they sold out of the wolves!
We missed the Chrysanthemum show (my favorite) and the haunted pumpkin garden.
The library had the nerve to be closed today, when Sir Raven surprised me by agreeing to go into the Shop and see if they had a lion stuffy for me. Boo!
We did have a nice lunch together and that was far, far, far better than running back for the train after the doctor’s appointment. My meds are being adjusted to help me deal with the pain, so that is great news. My doctor seems to like us now and orders a new MRI at Sir Raven’s request. That’s good news too, though i detest having that done. The meds change is making me feel a bit more hopeful.

i gained back all of the weight i lost, plus 6 pounds. i need to have faith that i can relax and trust my body to heal and help me.

When we got home, Sir Raven put me in bed and made me take a nap. i took a really long nap and then worked on house chores and laundry. She surprised me by making yummy breakfast for dinner and cleaned up so i could focus on work. i really appreciate this tonight, more than i can say.

Everything is getting a better, bit by bit, once i let go again. It was more pain and more anger than i could hold onto and still breathe. i needed to let go of those things and have faith in her, in us.
Sometimes, you just have to have faith. 😀

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2 thoughts on “Faith

  1. sofia says:

    O, i’m so, so, so glad for you!! For you both really. Doing the happy dance down here in Where-i-Live!!

    much love and hugs…

    sofia

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