My classes started up again yesterday. One class is about Multicultural Counseling, which i am excited about. The other concerns Ethics and the Law. The final project gives me pause, as the instructor wants an autobiographical account of how we developed our sense of ethics, and how that can be incorporated into our practice in the future.
The truth is that i was raised by and with a sociopath. It’s a myth that they categorically have no sense of ethics. They just are not based on a thoughtless or seamless sense of right or wrong based on societal expectations or laws. What ethics do exist may only be there in a self-serving capacity or are only extended to people that have been accepted into their clan.
Recently, i read an autobiographical account on sociopaths and while it contained the expected overblown sense of self, it also had a variety of gems of truth. Basically, i could see my family all over that book. From the author’s account of her mother’s rage at having to even momentarily remove her rose colored glasses to her fathers unexplained rages, i saw us. Clearly. Maybe for the first time. My mother and brother’s propensity to constantly be involved in one-upmanship, always keeping score, always playing chess with my emotions. They both show a lack of fear, a sense of recklessness. i have a learned reaction to fear, in that i learned young (age 4) that showing it provokes greater rage. i learned to not show fear or anger often and to ignore my physical responses to it. It’s not absent, as it is for them, but it isn’t clearly detected often. i label those emotions in myself only as a negative and can fully rationalize those reactions in others most of the time. i have retained the child-like sensibility that if someone is angry, it is likely my fault, and i need to show the correct response or suffer the consequences.
Being in a Consensual-non-consent relationship involves a lot of discussion around ethics. Before i ever came here, i was working to develop an accurate understanding of Sir Raven’s ethical code and was wanting to be quite sure that i could adapt or already had the same moral and ethical codes. In very many ways, we matched up well. That went a long way to understanding each other and not making the other person feel like their back was up against the wall. We have each done something that violated the other’s sense of rightness and it cost us. But it also taught us that we are strong, that we love and are in love, that we fit each other well, and that we need our power exchange to work more than anything else. We might be stronger for it, as it removes any sense of curiosity. We did honor our Domestic Partnership, which we marked as the date we became Owner and property. For me, a great turning point came when she returned her collar to my neck. i found it extremely hard to function without this, feeling that we both needed the validation of who i am to her. i had a strong preference for a new collar, and i still do, but at least i feel like me again.
A friend of mine who is also a slave recently remarked that when things are not right in her dynamic, everything else suffers. Neither of them are able to function at work well, or deal with other obligations, until they deal with whatever is going on and get it right again. That seems to be common, especially the closer you get to living in a CNC relationship because it permeates every area of your life, down to your sense of self. When i lived, or tried to live, outside of CNC, my sense of self was violated. i wasn’t being true to myself or her. i believe Sir Raven could do a better job of explaining this, from her side, but i think it is very similar for her.
We had a breakthrough, of sorts, when i stormed out of therapy in a rage months ago. She responded by taking me home, talking to me, and then beating me with the strap until i was near tears. She didn’t let me violate us by behaving that way. She didn’t violate herself by letting me get away with it. i am very thankful she punished me and got me back on track. It told me i could trust her. Shortly thereafter, she returned the broken collar. i might be broken but i’m hers.
This is a part of our ethics, that we made a commitment to each other and to our dynamic. Hopefully, one day, i won’t be broken anymore. i’ll know that she sees us as unbroken when she replaces the collar or adds something new that locks. We tend to speak of the most important things in tangible ways.
In the meantime, we are a work in progress, like everyone else. We are both working on communication. i am trying to communicate in my own way by writing again. i also asked her last night if i should go back to making daily lists and sending it to her. i am aware i need to stay on track for school and can’t afford to slip up and miss something. i am hoping now that we are more settled and in a better place together that i can devote my energy to better fulfilling my responsibilities. Keeping her aware of my day also makes her more in control of it and makes me more accountable to her. Having her in control, even very tight control, feels good and right to both of us. Control is her drug of choice, and i want to be the drug in her veins, the thing she craves, the smile on her face.