She is my everyday Hero.
Everyday when she comes home and kisses me, everything is perfect in that moment.
She tucks me in on my playpen with her special blanket, the one i think has magic powers to make my unrelenting pain pause for a nap.
When she holds my hand and doesn’t get mad at my slow feet and my cane getting stuck in the cracks in the sidewalk, making me feel safe and cared for
she is my everyday Hero.
Yesterday, she emailed me in response to asking her to print out yet another form to be faxed to my school. She wrote, simply, “I’ve got you, babygirl” and my heart melted because it’s true.
Getting off the train Tuesday afternoon, i had thanked her, for the fact that she is always here for me, has my back, and picks me back up when i fall down.
i truly can’t accomplish any great thing without her in my life, steady and in control. i see how i was failing for months to see this simple truth. When i may have needed more structure, more control, i didn’t ask or even recognize it. i can see now that when i wasn’t vulnerable to her, she felt out of control. And that is my fault. My heart wasn’t fully open, my emotions were shut down, and i felt like i was in a free fall.
i needed my Master, my Spouse, my Daddy, my Hero, and my Best Friend.
i think she needed these things, too.
Laughter is back in our home. Simply joys. Silly jokes. Touches. Cuddles. And, yes, Control.
She noted recently that she will assert herself with micromanagement and s/m when she wants to tighten the leash. That is true. i realize too that i turn to her for more direction, making huge decisions and helping me sort through the outcomes, and asking small things (Daddy, can i take my shower now? Should i wear my mary janes or boots?). i think this is my way of inviting micromanagement and scratching that itch for her?
i also started sending her lists, which i’ve been terrible about the last few days, as i’ve been distracted by a number of things. For one, they are jackhammering outside and it’s an endless drone of noise. i’ve not feeling well at all and had a number of calls that i had to make for school. It has been a huge mess.
My Master still believes in me and in her course of action.
And that is all that matters to me.