positive energy

For two days, there has been a jackhammer near our window. Inside the building, there is hammering and drilling. It’s sort of like i’ve been trapped in an MRI for days. Perhaps predictably, my body has responded to this with sensory overload and a pain spike to match the noise.

When Sir Raven got home, i took my migraine pill. i don’t like to take it when i’m alone because it makes me feel so weird. Thank God, it works. i fixed her dad’s recipe for pork chops and heated up some noodles. i’m almost never a whining person but i was last night. Sir Raven kind of giggled at it because everything was upsetting me. My clothes itched too much to wear, even my sleep pants. i was too hot and too cold. My socks felt too tight. i had cramps, too and pointed out (again!) how much i resent having to go through this misery monthly when i can’t have a baby. i also told her it was rude to have not knocked me up so i’d have one less thing to complain about.

Then i fed her and cleaned up the kitchen, bringing her more wine on the way back, because i figured it was the least i could do. You know, serve wine for the Master who could tell me to shut up and doesn’t tonight.

She turned on Project Runway, which we both like. Sir Raven decided she liked the name Alyssa for me due to it. i ask her if she still likes it.

“Honey,” she says, “I have good news and bad news.”
i was hoping the good news was that she had a secret chocolate stash.
Nope.
She said, “The good news is that I’m madly in love with you. The bad news is we are not having another conversation about the name change.” Evidently, it’s on me to pick something. She didn’t like the two i matched up and i thought she didn’t like them at all. It’s hard to pick anything until i know for sure she likes it. Apparently, i’m just not able to do it without a shit ton of angst. i’m not programmed to decide things. She’s the Decider. i thought alyssa mia sounded okayish. See? She is the Decider.

At this point, i have a ton of work to do for school. That’s not an exaggeration. i’m ignoring the migraine left-overs, and blasting Weeknd in my ears so i don’t have to hear the damn drilling noise. i was seriously thinking of going to Starbucks to work but they have a locked bathroom that you have to be let in to use. That could be an issue. i have to get to a potty pretty fast and have paranoid thoughts that i’d pee myself waiting for them to get the door for me.

i’m sick to death of the fibro. There are days that i am surprised something can so consume me with pain and not be killing me. i try to keep it to myself but Sir Raven notices more lately. i’m dragging a foot, running another fever, or the look of pain or sheer exhaustion is written on my face. Anyone else would leave me, i swear. Last night, she pulled my arm to her, in my favorite spot where i can feel her breathe, and curled up close to me in her sleep. Just being near her makes me feel safe and loved.

Tomorrow, i’m going to her work to help out and enjoy the day. i have to get all of my work done though, or i can’t go. i desperately need a window of clear thinking and positive energy.

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One thought on “positive energy

  1. sofia says:

    Ahhh, hoping you got the window of clear thinking and positive energy you needed…

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