Girl

i was pretty exhausted today after so much running around and cleaning the last few days.  Poor Sir Raven looks like i feel when she arrives home, later  than usual  for a Saturday evening.  i took her bag and coat, poured her wine and water, as always.  She came home with more plants from her library.  Some of the patrons are babysitting plants too, which is wonderful.  After she has dinner and is settled, i ask if i can clean her boots.  i evidently missed my “get pretty for Daddy” alarm on my cell, set to remind me an hour before she is off work, so i have time to do my make-up, straighten the house, meditate, or run any last minute errands.  i wouldn’t want to come home to a woman who looked like a mess.  i figure the goodliest Master doesn’t either.  Today, i simply pulled my hair back in a loose bun at the base of my neck so i wouldn’t get it into the saddle soap.  When Sir Raven places her foot on my shoulder so i can finish each boot, a dirty mess is left behind all over me.  i smile, though i am intimately acquainted with the filth we walk on in our city streets.  “You are a dirty girl.  Pour some more wine for me and get in the shower.”  I laughed.  New York is the real dirty girl around here.

Since i know she was having a hard week, i arrived at the door one day wearing my apron (thanks, Karida) and a pair of leather cuffs.  i have been practicing with them for awhile because i thought it would please her if i could find a way to not immediately have a panic attack whenever i was restrained.  Being kidnapped and chained to a bed for two years can do that to a girl.  i was determined to work through it.  At first, i couldn’t wear them longer than a few minutes, even though they weren’t locked on.  i had to think of female energy, the Goddess, anything to calm me enough to meditate.  She bust out laughing when she came home to me in the apron and cuffs, clearly enjoying it and the surprise.  “You know,” she says, “it’s not really working through it until they are locked.  It’s not as if you are chained down to the bed after i throw you down.” “No,” i had agreed smiling, “but i could be.”  “Go and get my wine, dirty girl” she tries to sound serious, but laughs instead.

This year, on the 29th, i celebrated my new life starting after leaving the shelter.  This year, i asked an artist if she would do something special for Sir Raven and i.  It’s an idea Sir Raven had but i lack the ability to do.  i thought it was a bit of poetic justice to ask Delia Day to do the sketch.  i imagine she could understand a thing or two about actually feeling dirty inside and about the courage it takes to feel the sun again.

Good Things

To my way of thinking, all good things in life are due to my Master.  Yesterday, she let me out to do laundry and go to the pharmacy to pick up our medicine.  i was happy, having been kept in during the worst of the ice.  Sir Raven checked herself to be sure i won’t fall and will be able to navigate safely.  That is the issue-my safety-not really my comfort per se.  i have been sent out in hideous weather to get her wine, or smokes, or pie from the Farmer’s Market.  But too much ice is not something she is willing to chance.  It was a good thing to be able to finish the house, the errands, and have dinner waiting when she got home.

Today, i was let out for a rare treat.  i got to travel a new way all by myself to meet Karida for shopping and lunch.  We had an amazing time, as always.  i texted Sir Raven from the train, letting her know i made it safely.  i texted again when Karida and i met up at the designated spot.  i texted a third time as soon as i had arrived home and took off my slushy boots.

Thankfully, despite the snow and muddy mess all over the place, the day was warmer than what we have had.  The sky seemed heavy when i was waiting for the first bus.  A man who was having beer for breakfast helped me get on the bus, and the driver promised to let me know where i needed to exit.  But Mr. Cheerful Drinker repeated the same instructions to the driver and pointed out an empty seat.  i do love New York and our neighborhood.

i was dressed in layers and plenty warm, which i always think about in icky weather.  It’s because of her that i know warm, even in the worst weather.  It’s because of her that i can enjoy winter here.

Karida and i had a great time, going in and out of the small shops that dot the small streets in China Town.  There was something in particular i was after besides our yummy lunch.  i kept seeing Hello Kitty everywhere!  The best was Hello Kitty in glasses.  i remembered Sir Raven’s warning that any new stuffies would mean another one would have to die.  So no Hello Kitty for me today.  We did find a cheap pair of earrings, which i really needed.  i only have one good pair and my pearl came off the backing.  i nearly cried, i was so beside myself when it occurred.  Karida found soft pink matching sweaters, on a great sale.  Any time i buy anything, i am always thankful and always mindful of Sir Raven’s tastes and preferences.  Pink is not her preference but does allow it because the shade i like is a blush or baby pink.  It was ten dollars, which makes me thrilled.

Normally, when i purchase anything that isn’t a typical purchase, i show her each item with tags still attached and wait for her to allow it or not.  i don’t get too attached to anything until it has her approval.  i’ve gotten good at what would please her and it’s my default.  i genuinely wouldn’t want to keep or have anything she didn’t like on me.  i donate my clothes when she changes her mind, mostly when it no longer fits properly.

i was so pleased Sir Raven let me out.  i had kept my face neutral and my tone even when i asked.  i was really surprised when she permitted me to go.  It feels great, like i’ve accomplished something important, even if it is just a date with Karida.  It’s been awhile since we have gone on an adventure and am really thankful for the chance, for her patience, and for her ability to take care of me with such generosity.  i don’t know how she doesn’t get frustrated with me but that is so nice and really lets me relax and enjoy the new experience.  Even if i do walk carefully, like i have a body that belongs to someone else-because i do.

A few blocks away from the house, i have a massive pain spike, and a woman grabs her small child and moves away from me like i can blind her child.  i feel hurt for a moment, shame and sadness washing over me.  But then i think of the source of my pride and identity-that i am my Master’s slave-and i pull my shoulders back and head up for the rest of the trip home.

Once i arrive, i’m delighted that i cleaned everything before i left this morning.  Whew am i tired.  Happy-very happy-but tired.  i made the bed, cleaned the bathroom, washed ashtrays, put away the clean dishes, washed down the table and sink, placed Sir Raven’s slippers by her chair, and went through emails before i headed out.  i did it because it’s the right thing to do but a side benefit is being able to relax now while i await my Owner’s return.

Blizzard

The Owner is Masterfully snoring in her sleep.  i’ve been up for awhile, meditated, made french press, and read a blog or two.  i thought i heard the super’s voice out in the hall and i softly padded back into the bedroom to dress.  i’m wearing the new wrap dress and baby blue sweater Sir Raven bought me.  i also have on my warmest socks and leggins because it’s very cold in the livingroom.  From what i heard outside, it’s still snowing.  i’m used to Tennessee snow, which for some reason has larger and fatter snowflakes than New York.  i often can’t see the snow, which is pretty sad for a little girl who grew up in Florida.

i’m delighted we have electricity and internet.  Yay!  i’m thankful that my adopted Auntie made sure i knew to freeze quartz sized bags with water overnight so i had a way to not loose food if we lost electric.  i would have never thought of that which is why she checked in on me.  My Jewish family checked in too, sending prayers for safety.  It’s nice to be remembered.  We are all people who met because of the scene but learned so much more from each other than what we do in the dungeon.

i’ve gotten some difficult news from my school that i’m still trying to process.  They somehow don’t grasp that a person with fibromyalgia takes longer to heal from sickness and injury.  It’s very frustrating.  i hate how fibro makes me feel like less of a person, less competent and able, less understood.  Sir Raven and Karida get it because they have lived with me and watched how much effort it is for me to get through chores, shopping, homework.  They have also been around when i can hardly move.  The only thing good about fibro is it ties me closer to Sir Raven.  No one else would put up with this in a slave.  i’m hoping that medical pot happens quickly here so i can get some relief.

My family relied on my needing the pain relief and controlled me through pot for years.  i have never purchased it myself and don’t even know how to roll a joint.  They had a live in servant so it was in their best interests to keep me out of too much pain to function.  i tied my survival to my mother and her happiness.

Now, i link my survival to my Master and her happiness.  That’s job security. Heh.  Provided she is mostly pleased with me and i don’t require too much work, i never worry about being replaced or cast aside.  Frankly, i’ve never known feeling certain that i wouldn’t be abandoned before Sir Raven.  i’ve never known for sure that i would be cared for no matter what.  It’s amazing what energy i have to put into her because i feel secure in my place.  It’s amazing what an emotional time sucking bastard it is to not have these kinds of certainties.  Her drug of choice, as it were, is control and she gets that need met through me.  She gets obedience, cheerfulness, adoration, service.  i wait on her hand and foot.  There is nothing in my life prioritized over her.  i am willing and have shown that i will turn myself inside out for her.  i find it far easier to accept that my life before her was abusive because it left me bare in many ways, without a sense of purpose if i wasn’t of service, without a sense that i should have my own ideas or wants constantly.  It saved her some work, i suppose.

i think i was hardwired for this life anyhow.  There are people who came from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and instead of ending up like me became something the opposite.  i just have fewer boundaries than most.  i think, actually, that Sir Raven has more boundaries for me than what i would have for myself.  Recently, in a podcast, the question was tossed out about if a slave has some right to their sexuality.  i jumped in pretty quickly and asserted that i don’t have that right.  For one thing, if i did, we’d have tons more sex.  i am more inclined to initiate, if i was permitted to, but there are restrictions about how i can touch her unless invited.  Beyond that, though, i wouldn’t think much of it if she told me to fuck a man.  i’d figure she had already ascertained his health and had a plan to make sure i wouldn’t be knocked up.  i don’t even have to think about if i would do it.  Would that make me not a lesbian?  No.  That part i don’t think anyone can change.  But on an emotional register, its rather like doc martins.  The first fall we went boot shopping, i was surprised when she wanted to purchase those for me.  i wrinkled up my nose and protested that i wasn’t a boy.  Today, i find them incredibly sexy because they are sexy to Sir Raven.  i’m just wired that way.  If she finds something sexy, i will develop a taste for it, even if i actively disliked the thing itself.  We talked about this a few days ago and she asked me if that would be true of the strap.  Yes.  It would.  All she has to do is link it to sex and tell me she is happy and proud of me and i’ll develop a desire for it, even as i continue to actively hate it.

She is thinking of trying it out, i think.  Her voice got excited by the idea and she made this sound that she doesn’t know she makes…which is what one would make after a particularly delicious meal.  Logically speaking, it would be a good thing for her to use the strap for reasons other than punishment because it would help with her feelings of being conflicted.  i find that feelings of confliction in a Master are best worked out, even as i’m aware that if she does successfully work it out, i could reasonably expect to be punished more frequently.  Neither of us like that but she does like the especially docile girl that emerges on the other side.  i am always more eager than normal, if that is possible, to please her.  Desperate to please her.

Nothing else matters.

Here’s to us

We had a nice and quiet Anniversary weekend.  Friday, we went over to a friend’s house, ordered in sushi, and played “Cards Against Humanity.”  Well, everyone else played while i listened.  It was a good time for everyone, i think.  Sir Raven got a chance to work on her presentation with Daddy Ben.  i’m nervous about it, frankly.  i always tense up and i’m not sure why, except for the topic.

Saturday morning, Sir Raven made a delicious breakfast of sausage and grits.  She makes the best grits in the whole, wide world.  🙂  We enjoyed a quiet day at home.  She curled up in her chair with her laptop and i curled up on my playpen with mine.  We shared stories and pictures and giggles.  i gave her new pj’s, which i think she liked.  She is always surprised when i give her a gift on our Anniversary, which is funny.  It’s the least i could do.

Sunday was pretty good.  i got all of the clothes washed with minimum stress at the laundry mat.  Yay!  i walked home carefully with fresh bread and turkey, cigarettes and chips along with the bundle of two loads of laundry.  When i got everything put away, Sir Raven reminded me about learning how to use Second Life.  We did the topic of gratitude, which was lovely.  i wanted to do it for a podcast but was outvoted by the Masters.  It was actually a nice chat.  i was surprised, like i always am, to hear s-types discuss their frank annoyance at orders, or the need to get things done.  i don’t think i ever had the sense that i wasn’t supposed to be actively looking for work to do, finding ways to be pleasing, adapting to the wants of people around me.  Even with things that are hard for me, like having no chocolate or treats or extra coffee without explicit permission is something that i just remind myself that this is an opportunity to submit with grace.  What good is my submission to her will if most of it is easy?

Slavery isn’t about easy.  It’s not about sexy fun times.  It’s me going out before a blizzard to gather anything Sir Raven may want in the next few days and standing on line for two hours.  It’s me obeying, even when i think i can handle doing a task myself and her desire is to do it instead.  It’s being conscious of Sir Raven all of the time.  It’s sweat, toil, mindfulness, flexibility.  It’s removing disappointment by focusing on gratitude.  It’s silence when i want to speak.  It’s creating calm energy when i feel bouncy.

There were a lot of walls that were ripped down long before i met Sir Raven.  Sometimes, i wonder if she would have torn them down herself.  i don’t think much of things like marital rape, personal space, individuality when it relates to me.  It wouldn’t occur to me to be bad, even though Sir Raven teases me about this on occasion.  The truth is that i long to hear “good girl” or “I’m proud of you” or “You made me happy.”  Ironically, Sir Raven is disinclined to tell me these things often.  She might say one of them a couple times a year.

i knock myself out for her without the praise.  It’s my job to adapt to her.  So, when we were talking on Sunday about her desire for more formality in public (less of me calling her “honey” like i do at home), she said what would make her happy is to only hear “Sir Raven.”  Then, she asked me what i wanted to call her and it ended up a weird, circular conversation.  She doesn’t always answer to Sir Raven but does always hear me when I say “Master.”  She is my Master, my Owner, and i feel nothing but pride and adoration when i say so.  i had questioned if i might call her Master more often.  But then she commented about what would make her happy, and my ideas didn’t matter any longer, even if i feel very confident that it would do good things for our relationship.  i don’t often make suggestions and tend to do so after a very prolonged period of testing out a theory or idea.  Anyhow, by the time i do make a suggestion, i’m pretty convinced it is an important matter and a way to give what is needed.

After the talk, and the interesting adventure that is Second Life, i napped and Sir Raven surprised me again by cooking dinner.  She really pampered me by also cleaning up the kitchen, which i appreciated perhaps more than the meal itself.  i was so exhausted yesterday.  She opened the bottle of Korbel and we toasted each other.  i was having some sexy time thoughts until i was slapped with facing the reality that she had to work today, when i thought she was off work.   We are facing a Blizzard here in New York and all over New England, so i’m sending out a prayer that everyone is safe.

Getting it together

Her house is clean, except for the bathroom, which i clean after i shower.  i am waiting for some hot water and trying to decide if i can chance washing my hair before heading out to the laundry mat.  Sir Raven observed the clean bedroom for a moment yesterday, her eyes naturally gravitating to the one thing left undone.  “The room is clean?” she asked.  She likes to toy with my perfectionism, i think.  She reminded me, again, to only carry one load down to the laundry at a time.  i’d kill for my own washer and dryer.

The last couple of weeks, she has left me to my insomnia, where i fritter away the hours reading, messing about on facebook, and watching television.  She tends to make these kinds of allowances for a short bit and then pulls the reins back.  Last night, rather than announcing she was going to bed, she said simply, “Bed, girl.”  She roughly grabs my arm and pins it down to the bed with her own arm at night, sort of a human tether.  It’s more comfortable than when she does the same thing with my hair. 😀

i lay there for at least an hour in the dark, feeling her breathing change, trying to will myself to sleep.  It’s peaceful, at least, which is indicative of how cold it is outside.  It’s too cold for arguments on the street corner which is the upside to a snowy forecast.

i got permission to take an extra cymbalta today because the quick change in weather causes misery.  i’m on my second cup of coffee and wanting my third.  Since we are going over to a friends home after work, i need to ration it out for later in the day so i don’t fall asleep sitting at my Master’s feet.  i’m not sure that i’m in less pain but i feel a little detached from it, if that makes sense.  i’ve also noticed that it also increases my sex drive.  The Masterly One purchased a one hundred and fifty dollar toy so i can diddle myself.  She is very thoughtful that way.  Yep.  The thing is though that what i’m craving isn’t an orgasm by itself but with her.  i need the pain of her inside of me, filling me up.

We both need to reconnect and feed each other’s needs for pain.  Hers to give, mine to receive.

Tomorrow marks another milestone in our journey-our anniversary.  i bought a bottle of champagne and commissioned a friend to make an original art piece for her.  i am really lucky to belong to her and never forget that fact.  i have no life without her firm hand, full heart, and control over my life.  i thank her daily, both in word and deed, but that hardly seems enough gratitude for all she does to keep us on our path together.

And so it begins…

Sir Raven didn’t forget about the diet, uh-lifestyle-change in place for me.  She is a person who loves salty snacks, so i try and keep a variety in the house for her.  Thankfully, i’m rarely tempted by chips, though i favor the same kettle kind she likes.  When i said i wanted to “steal a chip” she said that that was over.  That any of that snacking stuff was over.  i’m a person who turns to carbs and sugar rather than the kind of snacking she likes, thank God.

i went food shopping yesterday and felt relieved to not be so tempted by the cookies and candy.  i bought apples, oranges, bananas and salad.  i am trying to eat during the day because i’ve shut my metabolism down by eating once a day, late in the evening.  i need to take better care of myself and i’m glad she is interested in the process.  That will keep me from mindlessly going from not eating to over indulging when i’m anxious or angry.

Her reason for getting involved has nothing to do with how i look but that i freaked out over my weight and was talking about it too much.  i am so lucky that she thinks i’m beautiful just like i am, even though i forget that.

i want to continue to feel thankful for her interest and not get upset by not being able to shove my feeling away with food.  To that end, i’m paying attention to being more mindful and keeping my energy small and quiet, the way she likes it.

Hopefully, the loud construction stuff will be done soon because it’s nearly impossible for me to get what i need to done without having a nap during the day.  i read the same thing over and over, unable to comprehend it or put together ideas.  i’m trying to be patient with myself on that and accept what the situation is.  i am doing the best i can, even though that isn’t good enough right now.

The last two days have been a particular challenge on the fibro front.  Still, the house is clean and dusted.  i purchased the groceries yesterday, carried them home, and cooked a meal she enjoyed.  i put on a clean dress and fixed my makeup.  The harder i have to struggle to push through for my Master, the more pleased i feel with getting it done.  i tried to send a list and it didn’t send.  Sometimes my email is just weird.  Even though sending a daily list isn’t a rule-yet-i know she likes receiving them and plan to do it daily.  i feel that one way i can show gratitude for her dominance is to look for ways to be pleasing.  So, i try out new recipes or have her foot soak all set up when she comes home or make lists.

On another note, we are looking for ideas for the podcasts, topics that we can all discuss.  i wanted to do one on gratitude and it’s role in an M/s dynamic but was vetoed by the Masters.  i think so often we focus on what is hard about M/s that it might be nice to focus on the good things that come from this kind of relationship.  Or maybe it’s just me-i tend to think, write, and speak about gratitude often.  i find it’s just as easy to look for reasons to express that as it is to spend that energy on what isn’t working in life.

My other idea for a topic was if O/p style relationships were a journey or a destination.  In either case, how do you know you when you have “arrived”?

Does anyone have any other ideas on podcasts?  Or ways to make a sweet tooth go away?  🙂

Balance

Sir Raven accompanied me to my follow-up at the clinic.  All of my blood work was good, except for my vitamin D.  i take a multi vitamin with over 200% of the RDV of vitamin D but was still very low, so my doctor gave me a once a week 50,000 unit.  That might help out a lot.

Sir Raven and i also talked about my weight, and how i have literally been obsessing about it.  i’m feeling unattractive and anxious, as the anorexic part of my brain does battle with the bulimic parts.  And so i starve myself and then eventually binge.  i can’t seem to control it and the weight gain is stressing me out.  Sir Raven said she was going to take control of the eating and i’ve had a few days to think about it.  i wasn’t sure she was serious or if she understood how obsessed and anxious i feel.  i felt more anxious to begin with and then my logical brain kicked in and i remembered what a relief it was to have someone else in control while my brain got a chance to reset itself in the past.  The anxiety is because i know i fought before when other partners have tried to take control of it, even when i realized i was out of control on my own.  i know in this area of my life, i can’t just cheerfully acquiesce, and for the most part that is what my Master has come to expect from me.

Right now, she is under her own stress.  Her branch is going to get some needed renovations and the sense of being out of control has been hard for her.  It makes me acutely aware of how important it is for her to have me, the thing she has control over.  She has been home since Friday and went back to work this morning.  i was happy, as always, to have her home.  i know we were both needing some extended play time since we haven’t had that since New Year’s Eve.  She just wasn’t in a place to do it physically and i worked on homework, cooked, and tried to pamper her a little.  i know she was feeling badly because i usually have to beg to draw her bath, give her a foot soak, or heat up the lavender scented heating pad.  i also kept myself still, physically and emotionally.  The house is a total wreck, dusty and messy, but what she needed was not a frantic slave who was all over the house cleaning.  What she needed was me parked on my playpen (“chained,” she said) working or reading.  Actually, it would have been easier if i had been literally chained.  Heh.  i had to remind myself that a good slave obeys, a good slave gives her Master what she needs graciously.

Today, my list of chores is long.  Speaking of which, i need to go back to making lists daily, now that i am more-or-less well.  It mattered to Sir Raven more than i had thought it did.

She joked yesterday that she was going to blog about my naps.  One thing that has been really hard on me the last few weeks is the construction going on all around our building, making it impossible for me to nap during the day.  By Sunday, i was exhausted and since there was no workmen about, i took a much needed rest.  Sir Raven teased about how i railed against the machine but obviously needed to nap daily.  Yep, she is right.

And on that note, right one cue, a drill is ongoing in the apartment next door.  Ugh.