Balance

Sir Raven accompanied me to my follow-up at the clinic.  All of my blood work was good, except for my vitamin D.  i take a multi vitamin with over 200% of the RDV of vitamin D but was still very low, so my doctor gave me a once a week 50,000 unit.  That might help out a lot.

Sir Raven and i also talked about my weight, and how i have literally been obsessing about it.  i’m feeling unattractive and anxious, as the anorexic part of my brain does battle with the bulimic parts.  And so i starve myself and then eventually binge.  i can’t seem to control it and the weight gain is stressing me out.  Sir Raven said she was going to take control of the eating and i’ve had a few days to think about it.  i wasn’t sure she was serious or if she understood how obsessed and anxious i feel.  i felt more anxious to begin with and then my logical brain kicked in and i remembered what a relief it was to have someone else in control while my brain got a chance to reset itself in the past.  The anxiety is because i know i fought before when other partners have tried to take control of it, even when i realized i was out of control on my own.  i know in this area of my life, i can’t just cheerfully acquiesce, and for the most part that is what my Master has come to expect from me.

Right now, she is under her own stress.  Her branch is going to get some needed renovations and the sense of being out of control has been hard for her.  It makes me acutely aware of how important it is for her to have me, the thing she has control over.  She has been home since Friday and went back to work this morning.  i was happy, as always, to have her home.  i know we were both needing some extended play time since we haven’t had that since New Year’s Eve.  She just wasn’t in a place to do it physically and i worked on homework, cooked, and tried to pamper her a little.  i know she was feeling badly because i usually have to beg to draw her bath, give her a foot soak, or heat up the lavender scented heating pad.  i also kept myself still, physically and emotionally.  The house is a total wreck, dusty and messy, but what she needed was not a frantic slave who was all over the house cleaning.  What she needed was me parked on my playpen (“chained,” she said) working or reading.  Actually, it would have been easier if i had been literally chained.  Heh.  i had to remind myself that a good slave obeys, a good slave gives her Master what she needs graciously.

Today, my list of chores is long.  Speaking of which, i need to go back to making lists daily, now that i am more-or-less well.  It mattered to Sir Raven more than i had thought it did.

She joked yesterday that she was going to blog about my naps.  One thing that has been really hard on me the last few weeks is the construction going on all around our building, making it impossible for me to nap during the day.  By Sunday, i was exhausted and since there was no workmen about, i took a much needed rest.  Sir Raven teased about how i railed against the machine but obviously needed to nap daily.  Yep, she is right.

And on that note, right one cue, a drill is ongoing in the apartment next door.  Ugh.

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